Perspective.

Massive amounts of Perspective.

I can honestly say that I am a little wiser than I was at this time last year. I get things on a level that I didn't get them before, and I feel more hopeful now than I ever have that in spite of my many challenges I can have what I've always wanted. I can have a life in which I live, not merely exist.

You see, I've been applying some spiritual principles that some would dismiss as cultish wishful thinking, but that in my observation have plenty of merit. This ties into some artwork I'll be posting as I finish it. These particular pieces are the culmination of a lesson I've learned, and that lesson is this.

There is nothing more important than feeling good. Every human pursuit is ultimately for the purpose of feeling better, enjoying life more, improving life for others or for oneself. Feeling good is GOOD, and that flies in the face of much of what we're taught about life I think.
That's true in my case anyway; I was always taught that Life was hard work, sacrifice, misery, and that if I did everything right by a little black book with embossed letters on the cover that once I was dead I could start enjoying myself. I think that sucks, personally.

You see, all of the best work I do, all the things that enlighten, uplift, inspire and generally make other people happy, and make me happy in the process, feel great while I'm doing them. If I don't feel good, I can't flow my energy into my artwork and it turns out horrible. Nothing motivates me to flow like feeling good does; even money, the highest pursuit many people will ever know, just isn't worth it. Nothing I ever did just for the money ever wound up being satisfying, and on occasions when I've done things I hated for the promise of a little gold and didn't get paid for them, what did I have in the end?

Now, there are some practices, theories in metaphysics related to a concept called the law of attraction. I can say with certainty that this works in theory: Typically what my attention is on for a long time, or very intensely, ends up popping up at some point. Now, most people who try this stuff miss some key elements that, for whatever reason, make all the difference in my experience. It's incredibly important to meditate on what you want to bring to your experience from a place of positive emotional state. When you really want something, and you feel awesome every time you think about it, and you feel at least a state of contentment most of the time you're not thinking about it, it RACES into your life. My evidence for this is anecdotal, but I had a thought related to this.

Most people seem to have a life of very conditional happiness, if they have any happiness at all. It's based on the conditions of " If I have this thing, this person, this whatever, then I can be happy." But those are nothing but stories that could be summed up this way: " My lack of X is why I cannot be happy now."

So I thought: If feeling good is the most important thing, and all the other awesome stuff I want just seems to come hurtling out of the blue at me when I'm in a place of peace or exhileration or any of a list of my very favorite feelings.... Then why not just focus on the feelings themselves? Why not just do meditations, affirmations, sigils, whatever it takes for me to drop into my groove as quickly as possible every day when I get up and every time something rattles me out of it so I'm in that place of continuous flow for as great a percentage of my time as I possibly can?

And you know what?

It works.

My dominant intention for the last month has been to be in a good mood as much as I possibly can. And I'm noticing that I still have bad moods, bouts of frustration, fury, even rage or despair. But they dissolve so much faster now. I can't stay in a state of fury for more than an hour or two. Something distracts me, I look at it objectively and see how silly it is, and I just... I get over it as quickly as it shows up.
That's not to say there aren't mitigating factors; I do take supplements to help support mood regulation. But for the most part, My mood has been placid or elevated with very brief intervals of frustration for usually very legitimate reasons.

I feel like I'm onto something, I really do, because I think this is what a person is supposed to feel like, for one thing. And for another, I just don't think you can feel this good and not have good things coming up on the horizon. I can see a few of them. Things keep popping up that I expected or didn't expect and they end up being awesome, even when they're frustrating in the moment they keep working in my favor. It's just mind blowing.

I'm not really exercising much, but I'm stretching a lot more. I'm breathing like I used to when I was sparring all the time. I'm sleeping deeply and restfully, I'm finding myself unable to eat enough to gain weight. I'm satisfied with less food, where normally I have a habit of binging when I'm upset. I'm craving movement and healthy things I enjoy. I keep side-eying the trashy parts of my house and feeling compelled to do something about them, and sometimes I do.

This is very unusual for me. And I'm still incredibly frustrated (and rightly so) with many of my circumstances. But I'm finally getting that whole thing where there's nothing I can do, so quit worrying about it, work on what you CAN work on, and let it work itself out with time.

This has been quite an impressive ramble. And what's funny is I spent a large amount of my time this year in a state of profound despair. I realize now that that whole time I was just focused with almost laser-like precision on doing a whole bunch of shit that I either didn't care about, or wasn't interesting to me at all, or worse, that I legitimately didn't want to do. I was doing things that made me miserable, when i was doing anything. Most of it was not productive at all. And during the period of time when I didn't really have a functional computer I realized, " Isn't it funny how we chain ourselves to these little obligations and than use them as excuses for wasting time with what we don't want to do, and act like we don't have the key to unlocking ourselves?" Tumblr, for example. I mean I was spending like ten hours a day shuffling through pointless shit on tumblr. I liked a lot of it but I was letting it suck away my life in favor of not doing other things I was dreading.

And another thing.

Ten years ago today, I bought my first pack of cigarettes. They were Sampoerna X-Tras if anyone's ever heard of them, and they were clove cigarettes. A year or so later I was mostly smoking Marlboro 27's, and then as my income began declining eventually I was smoking cheaper and nastier things at an astonishing (to me) rate, until I was shackled to something I felt like I couldn't put down. My self-image was formed around my smoking habit, and the level to which I mentally destabilized in the absence of my drug had me convinced that I would never be able to quit 'em. I even convinced myself of the medicinal benefits of the cigars and cigarettes, which were legitimate but they were excuses, they were skins of reasons stuffed with lies. I bought a pack of cloves today, and it's the first pack I've bought in a month. I've had about five cigarettes or so in the last thirty days, and I haven't been buying them even though I've had the money, and wanted them pretty badly at times. I know I don't need them to get through the tough times anymore; so I can enjoy them occasionally, and buy good ones that I enjoy on rare occasions. I'm at that point now, and I think I could even turn one down if I had a suitable alternative now. I am using an e-cig, which some people will say isn't really quitting, and those people can go on thinking that because I don't exist to please them and my behavior is for my benefit, not theirs. I got sucked into this on my quirky, eccentric terms and I'm happy to say that I'm ending a ten year long habit on my own quirky, eccentric terms. It's a hell of a ride and I wouldn't have it any other way, as much as I may kick and scream and bitch about it at times.

So here's to another trip around the sun, and may it be even more interesting and enjoyable than the last.

Till then, Now.

Nominus Expers