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*deep, thoughtful, painful sighs*
13 years ago
I depend on these people to survive.
In life there come times when you start to identify the flaws of your person, and to grow, you have no choice but to fix these flaws.
After much experience and observation, I have realized one of my major flaws as well as its source. I am a negative person. My life has primarily consisted of loneliness, fear, betrayal, and punishment for failures. All of these building on each other to produce a broken and faithless man. Looking back I cannot recall any time that I was encouraged, supported, or made to feel loved by my family, and by the time they started to change that, the damage was already too extensive. I am now almost completely incapable of maintaining contact with anyone without fear or suspicion of what's said or thought when I am not around. I await the eventual Exodus of everyone I dare to draw close to. I cannot even bring myself to quantify my own worth as a person to any respectable comparison. These traits virulently feed on one another in a terrible cycle which I struggle with every day, more so now that I've realized them.
Fortunately, I believe that, with this realization, I have also Identified the solution: I believe I need to put myself in a place where I can interact with people better than myself on a regular basis. I need not only to be convinced that people can be trust worthy, but also to have examples of the better person that I would like to be.
I still have griefs that I need to address with some VIP's in my life (something else that brings about major anxiety), but overall, I've found that silence is the most poisonous of options most of the time.
Really, I'm writing this mostly for myself, so that i wont forget it. XD
P.S. Deige, I love you. No matter how big a mess I am, I always love you.
After much experience and observation, I have realized one of my major flaws as well as its source. I am a negative person. My life has primarily consisted of loneliness, fear, betrayal, and punishment for failures. All of these building on each other to produce a broken and faithless man. Looking back I cannot recall any time that I was encouraged, supported, or made to feel loved by my family, and by the time they started to change that, the damage was already too extensive. I am now almost completely incapable of maintaining contact with anyone without fear or suspicion of what's said or thought when I am not around. I await the eventual Exodus of everyone I dare to draw close to. I cannot even bring myself to quantify my own worth as a person to any respectable comparison. These traits virulently feed on one another in a terrible cycle which I struggle with every day, more so now that I've realized them.
Fortunately, I believe that, with this realization, I have also Identified the solution: I believe I need to put myself in a place where I can interact with people better than myself on a regular basis. I need not only to be convinced that people can be trust worthy, but also to have examples of the better person that I would like to be.
I still have griefs that I need to address with some VIP's in my life (something else that brings about major anxiety), but overall, I've found that silence is the most poisonous of options most of the time.
Really, I'm writing this mostly for myself, so that i wont forget it. XD
P.S. Deige, I love you. No matter how big a mess I am, I always love you.
My friends are my life.
Good luck with your journey of self-acceptance. Don't fret if it takes longer than you expect to get into a better emotional state; there's no time limit on healing.