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13 years ago
Mere words follow
You know I worry about myself sometimes. Where I'm going and what I'm doing to myself. I used to think everything was fine in my life. I guess at the moment everything still is, but it just doesn't feel right.
I realise I'm no good with other people. I'm introverted and shy around unfamiliar people (but then I guess everyone is nowadays), and I feel like some of the things I say or do are really not worth the effort I put into them.
Against all odds, I've still got this job. I've had it for 7 months now. I've had this job longer than I've held a relationship, and that's a pretty long time to be dedicated to something you actually enjoy doing. Even though management are trying to squeeze more out of us and are slashing hours, fixing break times and generally being a pain in the butt sometimes, I'm still enjoying the work I do and I'm getting much better at it too.
I still don't feel like myself. I feel disconnected from everyone though. Even my own family. Every Friday night I end up staying out late, and then making a haste decision on whether or not I should stay at a friend's (and often I dump myself on said friend last minute too. Sorry guys) or I just bite the bullet and go home. Normally this is at about 10 or 11 at night, and normally when my blood alcohol concentration is close to 3% and I've said and done things like pretend a fire hose cabinet was the "gateway to Narnia". I've been suffering from sleep deprivation and fatigue, both a combination of a broken body clock (due to working hours constantly being shifted every week) and my inability to keep track of time. I also find that I'm not eating properly, and often skipping lunch altogether, before binging out on god knows what over the weekend when I'm not normally at home. I have this feeling that I'm slowly getting an addiction to alcohol. And I have self-esteem issues.
People are generally nice to me, but why? I'm so damn cold hearted now. I don't need it, or deserve it, but I just get it anyway, and it often ends up with me feeling bad because I never do anything to reciprocate those kind of efforts back to anyone. I keep telling people they don't have to be so nice to me. I guess it's a lot better than the alternative.
It's hard for me to share what I'm truly thinking. The thoughts that pass through my head are a series of jumbled and often interleaved pieces of my memory that don't make any sense.
I hate saying it, because it sounds like I'm whining incessantly, but I do feel worthless sometimes. I feel I have nothing to contribute to anyone or for anyone, and I feel like I can't function in the real world alone.
Guess I'll crack open another cider...
I realise I'm no good with other people. I'm introverted and shy around unfamiliar people (but then I guess everyone is nowadays), and I feel like some of the things I say or do are really not worth the effort I put into them.
Against all odds, I've still got this job. I've had it for 7 months now. I've had this job longer than I've held a relationship, and that's a pretty long time to be dedicated to something you actually enjoy doing. Even though management are trying to squeeze more out of us and are slashing hours, fixing break times and generally being a pain in the butt sometimes, I'm still enjoying the work I do and I'm getting much better at it too.
I still don't feel like myself. I feel disconnected from everyone though. Even my own family. Every Friday night I end up staying out late, and then making a haste decision on whether or not I should stay at a friend's (and often I dump myself on said friend last minute too. Sorry guys) or I just bite the bullet and go home. Normally this is at about 10 or 11 at night, and normally when my blood alcohol concentration is close to 3% and I've said and done things like pretend a fire hose cabinet was the "gateway to Narnia". I've been suffering from sleep deprivation and fatigue, both a combination of a broken body clock (due to working hours constantly being shifted every week) and my inability to keep track of time. I also find that I'm not eating properly, and often skipping lunch altogether, before binging out on god knows what over the weekend when I'm not normally at home. I have this feeling that I'm slowly getting an addiction to alcohol. And I have self-esteem issues.
People are generally nice to me, but why? I'm so damn cold hearted now. I don't need it, or deserve it, but I just get it anyway, and it often ends up with me feeling bad because I never do anything to reciprocate those kind of efforts back to anyone. I keep telling people they don't have to be so nice to me. I guess it's a lot better than the alternative.
It's hard for me to share what I'm truly thinking. The thoughts that pass through my head are a series of jumbled and often interleaved pieces of my memory that don't make any sense.
I hate saying it, because it sounds like I'm whining incessantly, but I do feel worthless sometimes. I feel I have nothing to contribute to anyone or for anyone, and I feel like I can't function in the real world alone.
Guess I'll crack open another cider...
