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Hate rant
13 years ago
Before i begin i write this here only so that i can sleep tonight. If i try to lay back down now i think i will be simply too frustrated to sleep. I'm not really writing this for any one to read just saying it so i can get it off my mind. Please, you don't have to read it, its just me bitching about well..me
It is poorly written and not that well thought out. Just me getting stupid thoughts out of my head
I am a complete idiot. I've said that a couple times now at least i believe so. I am slowly becoming more and more the person i don't want to be. Not to say really a bad person but more so just wasting what i have. I am at the point where i wake up look in the mirror and just hate the person starring at me. Not in a self destructive way or anything, just...disgust. I have been told countless times i have talent, but I'm coming to realize that i don't believe it. I don't feel that im the type of person that makes it in art. I don't feel im the type of person who dates. I don't feel im the type of person a lot of people want to be around. I had athletic talent. I wasted it because i didn't feel i was the type of person who made it in athletics.
As stupid as it is to say i realize now that all the times i have tried to convince myself of the things im good at or that i don't care about others opinions is a lie. I'm still the same kid who had no self esteem in HS.
I am lazy. Far more than i wish to admit. I have things i know i should do to better myself, know that i should do if i really wish to be an artist (which i question now) but simply don't do them. I skip out on things I am sure would help me move forward and dont feel any sort of remorse for it till moments like now. (though a better word would probably be regret) That too is stupid because its my own damn fault.
I hate the image of myself. This is something i only realized recently after a few comments. Mainly im a big guy 6'4 and now that i am done with basketball i kinda don't like it. I hate that a lot of the comments on my size go back to me looking "Scary" or like a "bully" (ya that was a more recent one) I hate that im expected to have confidence when im really shy. I hate that there are very few people that i have to lean on (IRL) That's not to say there aren't people who care but more a person who could carry some of the weight on my mind.
I hate that connecting with people is hard for me. I have friends sure but i only generally make a couple. Other times im too shy or get in the habit of thinking "I'm just a burden to this person. I'm not that interesting" and than I just sit in silence and it gets awkward. I hate that about myself. Just the entire way of thinking. For the longest time i thought i''d convinced myself that if a person didn't wish to be around me they'd tell me but i haven't.
And the real kinda problem with all this, now that i think about it as my hands kinda shake, is that i really know that there are things i can do to stop it. (or at least most of it)
The self image i can work out. Eat healthy and all that
The art i can dedicate more time to. Connect with the artists i know. Attempt to do something outside of my comfort zone
Even the laziness i know if i could maintain this kind of frustration i could fix.
but i wont
I know tomorrow i'll wake up, go back to sleep, wake up again, go to class than go back to doing the same stupid shit
it pisses me off and i dont have a right to be mad because im the one responsible for it.
TO SUM it all up: I hate that i don't believe that i should succeed at anything.
At this point i don't know what more else to write. I know there was more i wanted to vent out but i've calmed down enough to forget a lot of it. Again i am sorry i had to post this here. This is all really here so that i wont forget this frustration and go back to doing all the things i hate. This is really being posted as a reminder to stop being an idiot and fix some of these things.
Most likely i will regret posting this tomorrow.
It is poorly written and not that well thought out. Just me getting stupid thoughts out of my head
I am a complete idiot. I've said that a couple times now at least i believe so. I am slowly becoming more and more the person i don't want to be. Not to say really a bad person but more so just wasting what i have. I am at the point where i wake up look in the mirror and just hate the person starring at me. Not in a self destructive way or anything, just...disgust. I have been told countless times i have talent, but I'm coming to realize that i don't believe it. I don't feel that im the type of person that makes it in art. I don't feel im the type of person who dates. I don't feel im the type of person a lot of people want to be around. I had athletic talent. I wasted it because i didn't feel i was the type of person who made it in athletics.
As stupid as it is to say i realize now that all the times i have tried to convince myself of the things im good at or that i don't care about others opinions is a lie. I'm still the same kid who had no self esteem in HS.
I am lazy. Far more than i wish to admit. I have things i know i should do to better myself, know that i should do if i really wish to be an artist (which i question now) but simply don't do them. I skip out on things I am sure would help me move forward and dont feel any sort of remorse for it till moments like now. (though a better word would probably be regret) That too is stupid because its my own damn fault.
I hate the image of myself. This is something i only realized recently after a few comments. Mainly im a big guy 6'4 and now that i am done with basketball i kinda don't like it. I hate that a lot of the comments on my size go back to me looking "Scary" or like a "bully" (ya that was a more recent one) I hate that im expected to have confidence when im really shy. I hate that there are very few people that i have to lean on (IRL) That's not to say there aren't people who care but more a person who could carry some of the weight on my mind.
I hate that connecting with people is hard for me. I have friends sure but i only generally make a couple. Other times im too shy or get in the habit of thinking "I'm just a burden to this person. I'm not that interesting" and than I just sit in silence and it gets awkward. I hate that about myself. Just the entire way of thinking. For the longest time i thought i''d convinced myself that if a person didn't wish to be around me they'd tell me but i haven't.
And the real kinda problem with all this, now that i think about it as my hands kinda shake, is that i really know that there are things i can do to stop it. (or at least most of it)
The self image i can work out. Eat healthy and all that
The art i can dedicate more time to. Connect with the artists i know. Attempt to do something outside of my comfort zone
Even the laziness i know if i could maintain this kind of frustration i could fix.
but i wont
I know tomorrow i'll wake up, go back to sleep, wake up again, go to class than go back to doing the same stupid shit
it pisses me off and i dont have a right to be mad because im the one responsible for it.
TO SUM it all up: I hate that i don't believe that i should succeed at anything.
At this point i don't know what more else to write. I know there was more i wanted to vent out but i've calmed down enough to forget a lot of it. Again i am sorry i had to post this here. This is all really here so that i wont forget this frustration and go back to doing all the things i hate. This is really being posted as a reminder to stop being an idiot and fix some of these things.
Most likely i will regret posting this tomorrow.
Sorry to hear your at one of the points where emotions build up and overflow at, and sorry that I'm not better with words and can't give you some motivation or a better comfort then "sorry to hear". Never the less i do understand some of what you feel and I hope you find the motivation to pull yourself away from the habits you hate, whether it be in big changes or little ones that add up over time.
I can absolutely understand the not wanting to do things thing. I am like that as well. I tell myself I want to do things, but then I just can't seem to get the motivation or energy to actually pull through with it.
If you're ever feeling bad, or happy or anything else, I'm totally up for talking.