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The Journey of A Thousand Miles Begins With The First Step..
13 years ago
Holy balls, two journals in one night. Someone go check the thermostat in Hell.
Just ... some more reflections ... musings, if you will, as I undertake this new quest in my life. Hope you all don't oppose too much with me sharing 'em. Been keeping a lot of this to myself lately. A lot of this I haven't even verbalized to those closest to me. So here goes.
For quite a few years now, I've been feeling more like I've been existing than living. Existing on the frayed and tattered hope that -someday- I could be living. And time and time again, I've groped about in the dark, trying to seize a pawhold to climb my way out of the muck I'd fallen down into. And sometimes, I thought I had a good solid grip. That paw over paw, I was finally gaining ground. But eventually, it always slipped ... I'd fall back down into the mud ... and I'd have to start over. Other times, it wasn't a -complete- slip. I'd fall, but I'd catch myself and I could still keep trying to climb.
It's been awhile since I've hit dirt completely ... but over time, I've been gaining less and less ground ... slipping further and further back ... losing more and more progress. And it's made me despair. I'll spare you all the entire theatrical production, but the short version is that I've been passively allowing a lot of negativity into my life over time. I've also aggressively been -contributing- a lot of negativity into my life over time. When things finally struck an all-time low between my mom and my grandparents, that was was first sparked the initiative to start house-searching to finally move out. They reached a point where they realized that as much as they loved one another, they just couldn't be around one another ALL the time. And to be honest, at the time, I actually took the mention of moving rather badly. Saw it as yet -another- thing going wrong in my already-dismal life.
But the further into the "project" we delved ... the more we searched, the more we house-hunted, the more into it I got ... I began to see it as a blessing, not a curse. A chance to unplug from the horrendous rut I'd worked my life into over time, reconnect elsewhere, and start fresh. A reboot. Closer to the places I needed to go most, closer to the circle of friends I was beginning to foster, out of the awful overpopulated suburbs I'd lived in most of my life ... A complete and total facelift for my life. By about a few months ago, I was as excitedly into this as my mom was. Hoping ... waiting ... for the day when we would finally get a house.
When that day finally came this last week ... and that key came to rest in my hand ... It all. Finally. Clicked. Into. Place.
That very night, I didn't get a whole lot of sleep. While Pookin snored in bed next to me, I started taking a deep and thorough personal inventory of each and every aspect of my life. The good -and- the bad. Dug through all the resentments and squashed-down feelings I had stowed away and really and truly evaluated them. Not from a place of over-emotion ... not from a position of agony and despair ... but with a sound and reasonable mind--prolly for the first time in a VERY long time. I then sat down and really highlighted all the things currently going -right- in my life. Things that were better than they were before now, instead of worse. I began thinking of ways to accentuate those things, and use them as launchpads to -further- good things. All in all, it was rough. It brought up a lot of really deeply-seated painful topics that I had suppressed -so- far down, simply because I was so deep in denial. Or just simply couldn't handle it. I had to make a few hard calls. Diagnose the aspects of my life that weren't working or healthy for me, emotionally, and make changes that I never would have been able to before. I didn't feel ready.
But a very wise woman (my mother) has often tried to explain to me over the years that if we wait for ourselves to feel ready, it'll never get done. It's only now that the true significance of her words has hit me full-on.
We don't -wait- to be ready.
We -make- ourselves ready.
Right the hell now.
Some of it will come easy. Smoothly. Like the soothing of a dull ache, and relief will come swiftly after. Others will sting at the first moment of impact but soon give way to to a sense of healing. Like the cleaning of a fresh wound. And others still will hurt like hell and burn like fire, all the way down. It'll be a struggle from beginning to end and I'll often have doubts as to whether or not it's truly the right thing to do. But it's all said and done, and the smoke clears ... when I finally see it through ... I'll know that every ounce of pain, every flicker of weakness, only strengthened my resolve and set me further on the path to being truly free. Whole. Rejuvenated. Ready. I'll come out on the other side a brand new person.
With my family, close friends, and my beloved Pookin by my side, I'm determined to take my stand and reclaim my life. OUR life. I won't keep losing ground. I won't keep trying over and over, one failure after another. I'm getting OUT of here, where I -need- to be. I'm ready to open myself up to all life has to offer. Love, success, fulfillment ... all of it.
And by whatever god you all believe in, I hope you're ready, too ... because I'm about to hit the ground running like many of you haven't seen in a VERY long time. And that some of you haven't seen ever.
Hold onto your butts.
Just ... some more reflections ... musings, if you will, as I undertake this new quest in my life. Hope you all don't oppose too much with me sharing 'em. Been keeping a lot of this to myself lately. A lot of this I haven't even verbalized to those closest to me. So here goes.
For quite a few years now, I've been feeling more like I've been existing than living. Existing on the frayed and tattered hope that -someday- I could be living. And time and time again, I've groped about in the dark, trying to seize a pawhold to climb my way out of the muck I'd fallen down into. And sometimes, I thought I had a good solid grip. That paw over paw, I was finally gaining ground. But eventually, it always slipped ... I'd fall back down into the mud ... and I'd have to start over. Other times, it wasn't a -complete- slip. I'd fall, but I'd catch myself and I could still keep trying to climb.
It's been awhile since I've hit dirt completely ... but over time, I've been gaining less and less ground ... slipping further and further back ... losing more and more progress. And it's made me despair. I'll spare you all the entire theatrical production, but the short version is that I've been passively allowing a lot of negativity into my life over time. I've also aggressively been -contributing- a lot of negativity into my life over time. When things finally struck an all-time low between my mom and my grandparents, that was was first sparked the initiative to start house-searching to finally move out. They reached a point where they realized that as much as they loved one another, they just couldn't be around one another ALL the time. And to be honest, at the time, I actually took the mention of moving rather badly. Saw it as yet -another- thing going wrong in my already-dismal life.
But the further into the "project" we delved ... the more we searched, the more we house-hunted, the more into it I got ... I began to see it as a blessing, not a curse. A chance to unplug from the horrendous rut I'd worked my life into over time, reconnect elsewhere, and start fresh. A reboot. Closer to the places I needed to go most, closer to the circle of friends I was beginning to foster, out of the awful overpopulated suburbs I'd lived in most of my life ... A complete and total facelift for my life. By about a few months ago, I was as excitedly into this as my mom was. Hoping ... waiting ... for the day when we would finally get a house.
When that day finally came this last week ... and that key came to rest in my hand ... It all. Finally. Clicked. Into. Place.
That very night, I didn't get a whole lot of sleep. While Pookin snored in bed next to me, I started taking a deep and thorough personal inventory of each and every aspect of my life. The good -and- the bad. Dug through all the resentments and squashed-down feelings I had stowed away and really and truly evaluated them. Not from a place of over-emotion ... not from a position of agony and despair ... but with a sound and reasonable mind--prolly for the first time in a VERY long time. I then sat down and really highlighted all the things currently going -right- in my life. Things that were better than they were before now, instead of worse. I began thinking of ways to accentuate those things, and use them as launchpads to -further- good things. All in all, it was rough. It brought up a lot of really deeply-seated painful topics that I had suppressed -so- far down, simply because I was so deep in denial. Or just simply couldn't handle it. I had to make a few hard calls. Diagnose the aspects of my life that weren't working or healthy for me, emotionally, and make changes that I never would have been able to before. I didn't feel ready.
But a very wise woman (my mother) has often tried to explain to me over the years that if we wait for ourselves to feel ready, it'll never get done. It's only now that the true significance of her words has hit me full-on.
We don't -wait- to be ready.
We -make- ourselves ready.
Right the hell now.
Some of it will come easy. Smoothly. Like the soothing of a dull ache, and relief will come swiftly after. Others will sting at the first moment of impact but soon give way to to a sense of healing. Like the cleaning of a fresh wound. And others still will hurt like hell and burn like fire, all the way down. It'll be a struggle from beginning to end and I'll often have doubts as to whether or not it's truly the right thing to do. But it's all said and done, and the smoke clears ... when I finally see it through ... I'll know that every ounce of pain, every flicker of weakness, only strengthened my resolve and set me further on the path to being truly free. Whole. Rejuvenated. Ready. I'll come out on the other side a brand new person.
With my family, close friends, and my beloved Pookin by my side, I'm determined to take my stand and reclaim my life. OUR life. I won't keep losing ground. I won't keep trying over and over, one failure after another. I'm getting OUT of here, where I -need- to be. I'm ready to open myself up to all life has to offer. Love, success, fulfillment ... all of it.
And by whatever god you all believe in, I hope you're ready, too ... because I'm about to hit the ground running like many of you haven't seen in a VERY long time. And that some of you haven't seen ever.
Hold onto your butts.
Hoping to get one of those for myself soon too. Just gotta wait for a couple things to fall into place, unfortunately.