Many people believe that the only creatures to have complex dating algorithms are humans. These same people believe that the Lord Zenu let the soul-volcano erupt. In actuality, many organisms date: monkeys, pigs, ants, Kardashians, lamps- you name it! Avians seem to have the most variety when it comes to dating habits. There is even a video game, Hatoful Boyfriend, in which you date…pigeons. It runs for $5.25 and is a legitimatly crafted game.

Two or more male birds, (typically two, each with their own ‘possy’), find a female bird worthy of ruffling. (Or in the case of homosexual birds, another male bird worth ruffling fabulously.) The competing males will have a match to the death, in a style reminiscent to ancient naked-wrestling. After one is found victorious, the watching bird will friend-zone the winner. The winning bird will be sent into a spiraling depression, and write depressing emo poetry with stanzas such as

” I weep, I weep.

My soul is a creep.

Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo.

She don’t even give a hoot.

My butt itches. “


Now, this is just one of a few styles of dating present in birds. Sometimes, the male bird will approach the female bird with a bouquet of twigs, which the female will then proceed to use to stab the male bird’s eyes out. A typical process that ends in fornication and baby eye-gougers.

Sadly, there is a dark side to bird-dating. Prostitution is partly present, especially with males that enjoy presenting their parts.

But how does an awesome avian avocado even end up with such an occupation? The answer is more simple than you think. You see, sometimes the bird mind is corrupted. Making friends with suspicious eagles, glamorizing nests, and watching Fox news can all close a young avian’s thinking-process, and open it’s cloaca-hole.

Now, don’t let this negativity upset you. Most bird-dating turns into bird-marriage, and in most cases, pastel eggs.

Now that you know much about bird-dating, get out there and naked-wrestle!