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nice guys finish last
13 years ago
so it's been a few months since a journal, and im tried of seein that last one on my page :p
tl;dr still jumpin through hoops for the union, lost my car, really quit smokin this time, givin up on someone close, OLD BOSS BUTCHERED MY CREDIT
but things in my life are moving along, i've takin care of my application and all the entry paper work for the union that i can take care of at this point in time, im just waiting for a letter from them in the next couple weeks here letting me know when i need o come and take the aptitude test, from how the woman i spoke with described it im really not to worried about not doing well, after that i'll inform my uncle who will make a few calls to help push my stuff through, i believe ill have an oral interview or two and then hopefully ill be in. thats what im hoping anyway, not completely sure thats how its gonna work but it sounds nice :p
in the meantime, life has beeeeeeen shitty x3
my car's transmition went out on me, and was,t just like the drive shaft or anything, something broke inside and scattered the damn things guts about, and i don't have the money to get my tranny rebuilt so i had to sell it. i sold it to someone im pretty sure was just gonna cut it up for its parts and that sucked, cause i liked that car, i had iit all the way through highschool, shit it was my first car. but at the same time my parents have been having a rough time, my father lost his job and they needed to get some bills paid so i ended up giving them all but about $100 which i kept for some living expenses and little personal shit. but it was able to help them out and the needs of the family are above my own, and thats just how i was raised. and without a car its been kinda hard lookin for a job, since my mother is gone most of the day and my sister needs the other car for school and her hunting for a place for her boyfriend to close by afterwards living out surrounded by farm land makes comuting without a vehical kinda strenuous (tbh even if i got into the union tomorrow i dont know how we would get this sorted out..... im sure we would come up with somethin but still) so ive been doin what i can to help when i can, been doin odd jobs for friends duing the week, but its inconsitant, but better then nothing i spose.
i know i mentioned quitting smokin before, buuuuuuut i never really wanted to, sooooo i kiiinda didnt, untill earlier this week, and thats great , cause itll be better to be clean rather then have to get clean, when the time comes. but its been stressfull, little things i should be able to shrug off are stickin with me and i sit there and think to myself " i shouldnt be this mad, this is nothing, caaalm down" as i open and clench my fists repeditly and continue to feel my face warm up. i've also been thinking alot more, and that might sound like a good thing but i've had a problem for as far back as i can remeber when my thoughs get away from me and spiral into a dark pit of dispare and hopelessness. i hate that place so much.... those dark trains of thought always put me in a self-destructive mood and again thats no good, but ya know what, once i got out of high school and started smoking, i was able to avoid goin through that unhappy mindset, just go smoke a bowl sit down and watch some tv or jump on battlefield and my attention refocused, that doesnt work now, cause it's not as easy for my attention to refocus from my thoughts when my mind is feeling sharper. i mean im sure itll get better as the days go by, but these past few have been really mentally taxing
had a long discussion with an ex i've been trying to convince to give "us" another chance last night, you can probably guess by the title and past two chunks that it didnt go so fantasticly either :p im not mad or anything, i've just been trying to figure out why, what can i do to show him that its worth taking another shot, and i cant really come up with anything, and its been over a year so i guess i just gotta realize that its not gonna happen, it takes two to tango and he doesnt feel like dancin i guess *shrug* still we've been close for a while now and old habits die hard so im gonna distance myself from him for a little while so i can sort through my feelings and hopefully after all thats done with we can stay friends. i doubt that will be too much though, i dont think theres really any animosity between us
and the last thing, the one that set me over and pushed me to type up a journal and vent this all out so i dont do something stupid. this morning my father knocks on my door waking me up, letting me know i have a phone call and he doesnt know who it is, so i get my shorts on and go grab the phone hoping maybe just maaaaybe its a union call and im about to get a bit of good news after a lousy nights sleep of plentiful ponderings. it is not the union. no. it is a bill collector. informing me i have an outstanding radiology bill from june 14th of 2011, and that kinda blew me back, wait waht? and then it clicked OH YEAH! i got hurt on the job last yeah when my finger got crushed open and i had to get the stiches for that, but wait a muinte, my boss told me that he would take care of all my medical bills since his son dropped it on me at work, so long as i didnt file workers comp, ya know since he was a shady bastard and paying all of us under the table, and a claim would raise all sorts of flags for him. so i said fine, take care of it, and we gave the hospital his address and they forwarded him the bills and after ac that year when i called to go back to work, i was no longer needed, goooo fucking figure, but whatever he took care of the bills and i didnt like how shady he was anyway so i took it as no real loss, weeel now i have this bill collecter callin me telling me i have had an outstading bill for over a year, and that i was sent two notifications and since its been nailing my credit score, i told him i never got any sort of notification and he asked if i still lived at- and then he gave me my old bosses address.... i have never gotten a credit card iven been avoidng any sort of credit affecting shit my enitre adult life, cause the whole damn country has bad credit and i was gettin into that till i got a job where i wouldnt have to worry about getting behind on bills attached to those all important 3 numbers. AND EVEN SO MY OLD BOSS NEVER INFORMED ME, NEVER TOOK CARE OF IT, AND LET MY CREDIT SLIT ITS OWN THROAT WITHOUT EVEN INFORMING ME. so i gave the gentelman my address and he is sending me a bill within thes next few days.... and i have got to do something about this man killing my credit, cause i am nice guy... and im tired of shit walking on me when im trying to get ahead without screwing over the guy next to me
tl;dr still jumpin through hoops for the union, lost my car, really quit smokin this time, givin up on someone close, OLD BOSS BUTCHERED MY CREDIT
but things in my life are moving along, i've takin care of my application and all the entry paper work for the union that i can take care of at this point in time, im just waiting for a letter from them in the next couple weeks here letting me know when i need o come and take the aptitude test, from how the woman i spoke with described it im really not to worried about not doing well, after that i'll inform my uncle who will make a few calls to help push my stuff through, i believe ill have an oral interview or two and then hopefully ill be in. thats what im hoping anyway, not completely sure thats how its gonna work but it sounds nice :p
in the meantime, life has beeeeeeen shitty x3
my car's transmition went out on me, and was,t just like the drive shaft or anything, something broke inside and scattered the damn things guts about, and i don't have the money to get my tranny rebuilt so i had to sell it. i sold it to someone im pretty sure was just gonna cut it up for its parts and that sucked, cause i liked that car, i had iit all the way through highschool, shit it was my first car. but at the same time my parents have been having a rough time, my father lost his job and they needed to get some bills paid so i ended up giving them all but about $100 which i kept for some living expenses and little personal shit. but it was able to help them out and the needs of the family are above my own, and thats just how i was raised. and without a car its been kinda hard lookin for a job, since my mother is gone most of the day and my sister needs the other car for school and her hunting for a place for her boyfriend to close by afterwards living out surrounded by farm land makes comuting without a vehical kinda strenuous (tbh even if i got into the union tomorrow i dont know how we would get this sorted out..... im sure we would come up with somethin but still) so ive been doin what i can to help when i can, been doin odd jobs for friends duing the week, but its inconsitant, but better then nothing i spose.
i know i mentioned quitting smokin before, buuuuuuut i never really wanted to, sooooo i kiiinda didnt, untill earlier this week, and thats great , cause itll be better to be clean rather then have to get clean, when the time comes. but its been stressfull, little things i should be able to shrug off are stickin with me and i sit there and think to myself " i shouldnt be this mad, this is nothing, caaalm down" as i open and clench my fists repeditly and continue to feel my face warm up. i've also been thinking alot more, and that might sound like a good thing but i've had a problem for as far back as i can remeber when my thoughs get away from me and spiral into a dark pit of dispare and hopelessness. i hate that place so much.... those dark trains of thought always put me in a self-destructive mood and again thats no good, but ya know what, once i got out of high school and started smoking, i was able to avoid goin through that unhappy mindset, just go smoke a bowl sit down and watch some tv or jump on battlefield and my attention refocused, that doesnt work now, cause it's not as easy for my attention to refocus from my thoughts when my mind is feeling sharper. i mean im sure itll get better as the days go by, but these past few have been really mentally taxing
had a long discussion with an ex i've been trying to convince to give "us" another chance last night, you can probably guess by the title and past two chunks that it didnt go so fantasticly either :p im not mad or anything, i've just been trying to figure out why, what can i do to show him that its worth taking another shot, and i cant really come up with anything, and its been over a year so i guess i just gotta realize that its not gonna happen, it takes two to tango and he doesnt feel like dancin i guess *shrug* still we've been close for a while now and old habits die hard so im gonna distance myself from him for a little while so i can sort through my feelings and hopefully after all thats done with we can stay friends. i doubt that will be too much though, i dont think theres really any animosity between us
and the last thing, the one that set me over and pushed me to type up a journal and vent this all out so i dont do something stupid. this morning my father knocks on my door waking me up, letting me know i have a phone call and he doesnt know who it is, so i get my shorts on and go grab the phone hoping maybe just maaaaybe its a union call and im about to get a bit of good news after a lousy nights sleep of plentiful ponderings. it is not the union. no. it is a bill collector. informing me i have an outstanding radiology bill from june 14th of 2011, and that kinda blew me back, wait waht? and then it clicked OH YEAH! i got hurt on the job last yeah when my finger got crushed open and i had to get the stiches for that, but wait a muinte, my boss told me that he would take care of all my medical bills since his son dropped it on me at work, so long as i didnt file workers comp, ya know since he was a shady bastard and paying all of us under the table, and a claim would raise all sorts of flags for him. so i said fine, take care of it, and we gave the hospital his address and they forwarded him the bills and after ac that year when i called to go back to work, i was no longer needed, goooo fucking figure, but whatever he took care of the bills and i didnt like how shady he was anyway so i took it as no real loss, weeel now i have this bill collecter callin me telling me i have had an outstading bill for over a year, and that i was sent two notifications and since its been nailing my credit score, i told him i never got any sort of notification and he asked if i still lived at- and then he gave me my old bosses address.... i have never gotten a credit card iven been avoidng any sort of credit affecting shit my enitre adult life, cause the whole damn country has bad credit and i was gettin into that till i got a job where i wouldnt have to worry about getting behind on bills attached to those all important 3 numbers. AND EVEN SO MY OLD BOSS NEVER INFORMED ME, NEVER TOOK CARE OF IT, AND LET MY CREDIT SLIT ITS OWN THROAT WITHOUT EVEN INFORMING ME. so i gave the gentelman my address and he is sending me a bill within thes next few days.... and i have got to do something about this man killing my credit, cause i am nice guy... and im tired of shit walking on me when im trying to get ahead without screwing over the guy next to me
And as for your friend you want to give you another chance...that's even more difficult, for hearts are so unpredictable. I hope you find someone, even if it's not him, to love and adore you.
*huggles you*
~KaZam