http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=V1QhKjPHMdI

Welcome to the NHS, the National Health Swindle. Big several square mile plots of land that exist under the pretext of helping you to get better, when what really happens after being told to have a long rest is they leave you to starve on the side of a disused ward's corridor or give you MRSA after a simple injection of local anaesthetic because the dirty phillipino fuckers didn't wash their hands after sticking them several feet up their arseholes and then smearing them over several yards of enriched plutonium.

Too harsh?

Perhaps. But I'm really here to help. Those sterilised IV tubes that keep giving people MRSA? Burn them and replace. Those dirty fuckers that don't wash their body after giving someone with dysentery a blow job? Sack them with a reference so empty the only place they'll be able to work is with the people that will inevitably replace them at McDonalds.

I can go down the pub, drink a couple of pints of the best camel's piss, go for a slash, not wash my hands and carry on drinking and stuffing my face with cheese & onion flakies. Wake up the next day with a major hangover that is treated with one tablet of aspirin or that fizzy stuff you drop in water that makes you go "ahhh" just from listening to it. No MRSA. No deadly super-infections. No problem.

So what makes the NHS different? Easy. Not enough alcohol. That isn't me being clever by suggesting the use of sterilising alcohol gel for your hands, by the way. I literally do mean the stuff that is supposed to make you obese and give you liver and kidney disorders, as well as heart disease from consuming all those fatty kebabs during said drunken stupor. I propose that all patients admitted to any NHS hospital should be automatically shortlisted for a massive piss up and one treatment of fizzy plasterboard in water the day after. That way nobody will get MRSA, nobody will die and the female nurses might actually begin to look attractive for once.

Later bitches,
Uncle Charlie.