I had a birthday the other day, but I didn't get my cake until today. It was a chocolate cheesecake, yummy. I was hoping they would get one of the already made ones from a bakery, but they were out, at the time. So, my family got a chocolate cheesecake pie filling, and oreo crust, so they could make it, themselves. That was okay, I know those things are really expensive, anyway.

College is irritating. I wish I could earn a living just by attending, and not having to worry about grades. I could learn so much, and I enjoy learning. But, I hate having to worry about my grades and my GPA. I'm somewhat of a perfectionist, and I like to do my very best, when I'm able to, but being graded changes everything. It changes the emphasis of the learning. Instead of learning for me, I'm learning for my instructors, and most of the time I have only the vaguest idea what they want. I really hate disappointing people, but I get so obsessed with the fear of it, that it cripples me.

I still, somehow manage to do well in most classes, but I always get the feeling that I could have done so much more. What irks me the most, is that I feel guilty when I get a good grade for what, I believe, isn't my best work. Other people talk about how they struggle to keep up in classes, that I pass with minimal effort. One might think it would be an ego boost, but it makes me feel like crap. I think I may be subconsciously sabotaging myself, because I hate being in the twilight between failing and excelling. If I'm not doing my best, I don't feel like I deserve to succeed. That I could do better, instills in me a sense of obligation. I hate feeling like I'm obligated to do anything. I like being able to decide what I want to do, not be required to do something because I feel compelled by a debt.

I hope I can somehow sort this out, because it's probably the most critical factor concerning whether or not I will make something of myself.