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Longing For Companionship & Life Update
13 years ago
Never thought I'd be making one of "those" kind of journals, but ... heeeere we are. >_<;;
Ever since things bottomed-out with Sinestra a few weeks back, I've been pretty damn lonely, in the female companionship sense. Especially since even when I was -with- her I was always still pretty lonely. It was a long distance thing and she wasn't the affectionate type, so ... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I haven't really had what could be called an "outlet", in that sense. And no, I'm not just referring to doing the nasty, I'm talking about general affection and a basic human need to bond with a member of the fairer sex--regardless of whether it's full-on romping, or something as benign as cuddling or necking. Just ... -connection-, y'know...? To want and be wanted, in -that- way.
Now, I know what a lot of people are thinking ... "Syn, you greedy bitch, what about Pookin?" That pup is the most important man in my life. He's my light in dark places and I love him more than I'll ever have the words to describe. But to Pookin, him being a straight fella, I'm -always- gonna be the female, because that's my role, between he and I (how cruel would it be to force him into a "gay" relationship, just because I also identify as male?). But the fact of the matter is that I truly want someone to whom ... -I- can be the man. Someone with whom I can let the other half of me have its rightful place, in a way that I can truly and freely express -both- sides of myself. There's a whole other half of my heart that now hangs open and empty, and ... I have no one to occupy that place. I truly thought I'd found someone who finally could, but ... life happens. And now my heart has its king ... but no queen. =<
I guess I'm just ... lonely, in that sense. It's tough to pine for a certain kind of companionship and not be able to do much about it. It's not like I really have any local options to alleviate that void. No "foxy ladyfriends with benefits", or anything so fortunous. Tch, I -wish-. >_<;; I know it all boils down to time and patience, but ... when you've been without something you want that badly for so long ... and even when you give your heart to someone, that basic human connection still goes unfulfilled ... it's pretty damn hard to remain very patient for too much longer.
Tho to be fair, it's not like I even -have- the free time right now to really start trying to "date", while things are still on-going with the new house.*sigh*
SPEAKING of which...
--
In other news, work on the new house continues at a pretty good pace. Most of the rooms are fully painted, with the exception of 2 (one of which technically isn't even BUILT yet), as well as all the doors and trims. Our hope is to have everything that -can- be painted fully complete by either Monday or Tuesday, god-willing. From then on, we'll hafta set a priority order fir all the other stuff that still needs doing before we can settle in and then go from there. So far, we're still feeling pretty good about our tentative move-in deadline of first/second week of November. Even so, it's -still- tentative, as anything can happen to set us back, so we're planning for hiccups, but hoping they don't happen, LOL. 'Optimistically cautious', I guess you could say.
That being said, my free time and availability is still going to be just about non-existent for quite awhile yet, as I continue through all this. Once we're settled in and all the pre and post-moving mayhem is all squared away, then I won't be so hard to hang out and talk with, I promise. Just bare with me til November, as best y'can, guys. I'm not trying to push anybody aside, but it's literally just the four of us--me, Pookin, my mom, and my stepdad--taking on the majority of this (with the exception of the few times where awesome friends of mine and other family members have been able to donate a piece of their time towards helping us out, which we TRULY appreciate). It's actually more along the line sof just the 3 of us, as my stepdad is only able to help on weekends, as he works all week. So we really can't afford to be lax about all this, if we wanna get moved in ASAP. November seems like a long way away but ... it really, REALLY isn't. It's going to be October in just one more day. Time goes by -fast-.
So ... that's my lil' blurble for the night, while I'm still lucid enough to get my thoughts down in writing. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go pass out before the cycle starts all over again tomorrow. X_X;;
Ever since things bottomed-out with Sinestra a few weeks back, I've been pretty damn lonely, in the female companionship sense. Especially since even when I was -with- her I was always still pretty lonely. It was a long distance thing and she wasn't the affectionate type, so ... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I haven't really had what could be called an "outlet", in that sense. And no, I'm not just referring to doing the nasty, I'm talking about general affection and a basic human need to bond with a member of the fairer sex--regardless of whether it's full-on romping, or something as benign as cuddling or necking. Just ... -connection-, y'know...? To want and be wanted, in -that- way.
Now, I know what a lot of people are thinking ... "Syn, you greedy bitch, what about Pookin?" That pup is the most important man in my life. He's my light in dark places and I love him more than I'll ever have the words to describe. But to Pookin, him being a straight fella, I'm -always- gonna be the female, because that's my role, between he and I (how cruel would it be to force him into a "gay" relationship, just because I also identify as male?). But the fact of the matter is that I truly want someone to whom ... -I- can be the man. Someone with whom I can let the other half of me have its rightful place, in a way that I can truly and freely express -both- sides of myself. There's a whole other half of my heart that now hangs open and empty, and ... I have no one to occupy that place. I truly thought I'd found someone who finally could, but ... life happens. And now my heart has its king ... but no queen. =<
I guess I'm just ... lonely, in that sense. It's tough to pine for a certain kind of companionship and not be able to do much about it. It's not like I really have any local options to alleviate that void. No "foxy ladyfriends with benefits", or anything so fortunous. Tch, I -wish-. >_<;; I know it all boils down to time and patience, but ... when you've been without something you want that badly for so long ... and even when you give your heart to someone, that basic human connection still goes unfulfilled ... it's pretty damn hard to remain very patient for too much longer.
Tho to be fair, it's not like I even -have- the free time right now to really start trying to "date", while things are still on-going with the new house.*sigh*
SPEAKING of which...
--
In other news, work on the new house continues at a pretty good pace. Most of the rooms are fully painted, with the exception of 2 (one of which technically isn't even BUILT yet), as well as all the doors and trims. Our hope is to have everything that -can- be painted fully complete by either Monday or Tuesday, god-willing. From then on, we'll hafta set a priority order fir all the other stuff that still needs doing before we can settle in and then go from there. So far, we're still feeling pretty good about our tentative move-in deadline of first/second week of November. Even so, it's -still- tentative, as anything can happen to set us back, so we're planning for hiccups, but hoping they don't happen, LOL. 'Optimistically cautious', I guess you could say.
That being said, my free time and availability is still going to be just about non-existent for quite awhile yet, as I continue through all this. Once we're settled in and all the pre and post-moving mayhem is all squared away, then I won't be so hard to hang out and talk with, I promise. Just bare with me til November, as best y'can, guys. I'm not trying to push anybody aside, but it's literally just the four of us--me, Pookin, my mom, and my stepdad--taking on the majority of this (with the exception of the few times where awesome friends of mine and other family members have been able to donate a piece of their time towards helping us out, which we TRULY appreciate). It's actually more along the line sof just the 3 of us, as my stepdad is only able to help on weekends, as he works all week. So we really can't afford to be lax about all this, if we wanna get moved in ASAP. November seems like a long way away but ... it really, REALLY isn't. It's going to be October in just one more day. Time goes by -fast-.
So ... that's my lil' blurble for the night, while I'm still lucid enough to get my thoughts down in writing. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go pass out before the cycle starts all over again tomorrow. X_X;;
Good luck, I guess?
In all honesty, I'd prolly even be okay with long-distance companionship, so long as there was at least -some- interest in "hooking up" face-to-face, even it could only be a few times a year. But the interest in one another HAS to be there and it HAS to feel ... genuine.
My hope is that we -both- find the right woman to fill that empty space, cuz you're ALSO an amazing person, equally deserving of fulfillment and completion. <3
I truly hope you do find the perfect girl. And thank you very, very much for the sweet and kind words. I appreciate your continuing kindness, more than you probably realize. <3
And as much as you appreciate my kindness, I appreciate yours even more. <3 <3 <3
You didn't know I like girls too? Hehehe. I still got lonely and yearned for feminine companionship. Even just a crush with another girl. I got a few attachments here and there but never went anywhere, mostly because they were looking elsewhere. Ended up being nothing more than a fleeting crush. Then I sort of got burned in the past. So it got me to shy away and give up. But now i have that yearning once again.
That's the sorta rut I got into, before I got involved with my female ex. Hell, before her, I'd actually managed to convince myself that I wasn't -capable- of falling in love with a woman anymore, and that my attraction to them was simply physical. So as badly as things ended, I -am- grateful to her for fixing that for me and showing that it -is- within me to appreciate the affections of a woman, in every possible sense. It frees me up to find true happiness elsewhere, y'know?
With everything you've been through, sweetheart, I hope you find a gal whose going to make you truly and completely happy, and fill that missing spot deep down in that pretty lil' heart of yours. Cuz lord knows you deserve some happiness and fulfillment after everything that's happened. *hugs*
And awww thank you hehehe
But you're -absolutely- right. As the saying goes, "a watched pot never boils". The harder you look, the harder it is to find. I'm sure that once the feeling of desperation ebbs a bit, Lady Right will walk into my life when I least expect it. I sure wasn't looking when Pookin came into my life. =3
And yeah...i was like "WHA????*insert head tilt confused face moment*" when he declared his intent to date a female. And he hasn't spoken to us since...which confused us even more.
These things are complicated and all you can do is go with the flow. I know I'd rather be happy than unfulfilled with my life.
Getting the permission's the easy part. FINDING a woman ... thaaaat's a whole other story. =/
Either way, I hope you figure it out (:
As for the second part ... in a way, that must be a nice problem to have. XD (still jelly--still also happy for you, tho =P)
Off-topic: sorry I never got back to you about that phone conversation--even tho I was getting over my sinus infection, I still felt kinda crappy that weekend. This last weekend, I was so busy with video editing it's like the whole weekend flew by before I knew it (I've got a video due on the last Friday of October, so I'm well aware that November isn't that far off ^.^;;).
Maybe this weekend, if we're not both too busy =P
I'm glad to see you're embracing the "queerer" side of your preferences, Syn. And I know what you mean, I've been there myself.
Being a gender fluid biological female in a straight relationship, that's no easy thing. Been there, continue to be there, haha. And a lot of people would likely repress that sde of themselves in order to please their partner, so it's phenomenal that Pookin is supporting you in your quest for a lady friend.
For my part, I've had the discussion with my mate, and while he was initially a bit unnerved at the idea, he realized after time that be liking the ladies (in my case as both the "boy" and "girl" with various partners) didn't mean I loved him less or was looking for an out.
I wish you the best of luck in seeking out your lady, Syn! By all means, PM me if you ever want to chatter with another fluid lady, support networks are important!