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Do's and Don'ts for Dealing With Depressed Friends (Repost)
13 years ago
Reposted with permission, the thoughts of salkitten~
As most of you know, I haven't been 100% well in the last week or so. I've been hitting a rough spot with my depression and anxiety. What was confusing me was that no one seemed to know how to help. Everyone told me 'if you need anything, ask!' and were genuine with their offer, but I couldn't think of anything that would help in my fucked-up state of mind. Well, now that I'm a little more stable I have a list of things that I, personally, would appreciate. I cannot speak for everyone, but after reading many of the little how-to's on the internet and realizing how fucking vague they are, I have a list that hopefully will help people understand and help people with depression.
Things to keep in mind:
1. Depression is an illness. It does not reflect the person's true thoughts. In a phrase "Feelings are liars". Don't hold what a depressed person says against them later. It will do no good.
2. Depression causes emotional, mental AND physical pain. It really does hurt. People with depression often lack energy to move or act and are often in bodily pain.
3. Depression is not usually advertised. You have to look for the signs. Many people with depression do not want others involved and will act differently but might not seek help. This does not mean you should look over them or leave them alone.
Warning signs of depression include:
*Lack of energy/motivation
*Sudden lack of interests in things that used to be very important.
*Changes in appetite or sleep
*Distancing from friends or family
4. Don't let a depressed person's mood transfer to you and don't enable it. Sympathy and comfort is different from coddling. Don't let negativity leech from your energy.
What TO DO if a friend is depressed:
1. If possible, physically go to them. Physical presence is a huge comfort because it takes the mind off of internal thoughts and feelings.
2. Show sympathy and compassion. This person is hurting and needs to not feel alone. Don't be theatrical but be kind and respectful.
3. Ask if there's something that they want to talk about. Don't pick at what YOU think the problem is. Let them talk about it and be open to what they say.
4. Gently offer a distraction. If they say no, respect that, but then ask what they want to do. Distractions like going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing a game, are good at making the depression swing less severe and seemingly take less time. Gifts, even small ones, are a good way of telling someone they're valuable to you. This is also particularly useful if you can't do #1 due to distance.
5. Show hope and enthusiasm. Smile! Smiles are contagious.
6. For both the helper and the person: Be patient. This is not a quick-fix and you both should allow each other time to cope.
What NOT to do if a friend is depressed.
1. Don't say to "get over it" or that it'll pass. A depressed person might hear that but can't feel it. Depression takes away a lot of thought regarding the future, so future happiness means nothing.
2. Don't take it lightly. Depression is serious. If a friend starts making suicidal threats or mentions self-harm persuade them to call a suicide hotline and/or call 911 yourself. Suicide is not a joke and can be prevented by good friends.
3. On the same note, don't freak out. Stay calm. If a friend mentions self-harm or suicidal thoughts, do not attack them. Be calm and persuade them to call a hotline. Panicking will not help anyone.
4. Don't analyze. The person feels bad enough without you picking at what's wrong with them or their life that might be making them feel bad. You might accidentally pluck at a thing they weren't even thinking about and make it worse!
5. Don't ignore them. Even if it means cancelling your football plans or ending another conversation to focus on the issue, don't ignore someone who is depressed. The last thing they want to feel is alone.
6. Don't say that you 'know how it feels' because you can't understand how that person really feels. Be unique with your compassion. Offer motivation and encouragement rather than 'I'm sorry'.
And Rule # ∞ : Don't assume complete responsibility for someone who is depressed. Do not take it all on yourself. Realize when it's time to let professionals take over.
I hope this journal helps some of you. I hope it's less vague than most people make it out to be. And remember, if you are depressed yourself, reach out. There is someone out there who can help. If you need to, link them this journal and ask for their patience. Here are a few links that are also helpful.
US Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Chat : http://www.crisischat.org/
Depression Symptoms and Signs: http://www.webmd.com/depression/gui.....toms-and-types
How to find a therapist: http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/.....find-therapist
The Thoughts Room (this is my favorite thing ever, worth checking out if you're just stressed out!): http://thequietplaceproject.com/the.....room&lang=
Rainymood, a calming rain experience: http://www.rainymood.com/
If you have any links or advice you'd like to share, do so in the comments. Thank you~
There is no need to ask to repost~ Please, do so! Educate people!
My Addition:
*Also, never say "You're being silly"...it makes things worse, even if we know we are.
As most of you know, I haven't been 100% well in the last week or so. I've been hitting a rough spot with my depression and anxiety. What was confusing me was that no one seemed to know how to help. Everyone told me 'if you need anything, ask!' and were genuine with their offer, but I couldn't think of anything that would help in my fucked-up state of mind. Well, now that I'm a little more stable I have a list of things that I, personally, would appreciate. I cannot speak for everyone, but after reading many of the little how-to's on the internet and realizing how fucking vague they are, I have a list that hopefully will help people understand and help people with depression.
Things to keep in mind:
1. Depression is an illness. It does not reflect the person's true thoughts. In a phrase "Feelings are liars". Don't hold what a depressed person says against them later. It will do no good.
2. Depression causes emotional, mental AND physical pain. It really does hurt. People with depression often lack energy to move or act and are often in bodily pain.
3. Depression is not usually advertised. You have to look for the signs. Many people with depression do not want others involved and will act differently but might not seek help. This does not mean you should look over them or leave them alone.
Warning signs of depression include:
*Lack of energy/motivation
*Sudden lack of interests in things that used to be very important.
*Changes in appetite or sleep
*Distancing from friends or family
4. Don't let a depressed person's mood transfer to you and don't enable it. Sympathy and comfort is different from coddling. Don't let negativity leech from your energy.
What TO DO if a friend is depressed:
1. If possible, physically go to them. Physical presence is a huge comfort because it takes the mind off of internal thoughts and feelings.
2. Show sympathy and compassion. This person is hurting and needs to not feel alone. Don't be theatrical but be kind and respectful.
3. Ask if there's something that they want to talk about. Don't pick at what YOU think the problem is. Let them talk about it and be open to what they say.
4. Gently offer a distraction. If they say no, respect that, but then ask what they want to do. Distractions like going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing a game, are good at making the depression swing less severe and seemingly take less time. Gifts, even small ones, are a good way of telling someone they're valuable to you. This is also particularly useful if you can't do #1 due to distance.
5. Show hope and enthusiasm. Smile! Smiles are contagious.
6. For both the helper and the person: Be patient. This is not a quick-fix and you both should allow each other time to cope.
What NOT to do if a friend is depressed.
1. Don't say to "get over it" or that it'll pass. A depressed person might hear that but can't feel it. Depression takes away a lot of thought regarding the future, so future happiness means nothing.
2. Don't take it lightly. Depression is serious. If a friend starts making suicidal threats or mentions self-harm persuade them to call a suicide hotline and/or call 911 yourself. Suicide is not a joke and can be prevented by good friends.
3. On the same note, don't freak out. Stay calm. If a friend mentions self-harm or suicidal thoughts, do not attack them. Be calm and persuade them to call a hotline. Panicking will not help anyone.
4. Don't analyze. The person feels bad enough without you picking at what's wrong with them or their life that might be making them feel bad. You might accidentally pluck at a thing they weren't even thinking about and make it worse!
5. Don't ignore them. Even if it means cancelling your football plans or ending another conversation to focus on the issue, don't ignore someone who is depressed. The last thing they want to feel is alone.
6. Don't say that you 'know how it feels' because you can't understand how that person really feels. Be unique with your compassion. Offer motivation and encouragement rather than 'I'm sorry'.
And Rule # ∞ : Don't assume complete responsibility for someone who is depressed. Do not take it all on yourself. Realize when it's time to let professionals take over.
I hope this journal helps some of you. I hope it's less vague than most people make it out to be. And remember, if you are depressed yourself, reach out. There is someone out there who can help. If you need to, link them this journal and ask for their patience. Here are a few links that are also helpful.
US Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Chat : http://www.crisischat.org/
Depression Symptoms and Signs: http://www.webmd.com/depression/gui.....toms-and-types
How to find a therapist: http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/.....find-therapist
The Thoughts Room (this is my favorite thing ever, worth checking out if you're just stressed out!): http://thequietplaceproject.com/the.....room&lang=
Rainymood, a calming rain experience: http://www.rainymood.com/
If you have any links or advice you'd like to share, do so in the comments. Thank you~
There is no need to ask to repost~ Please, do so! Educate people!
My Addition:
*Also, never say "You're being silly"...it makes things worse, even if we know we are.
