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Lessening of my artistic self-esteem...
13 years ago
For the past, idk, what, like few months(?), I've been kind of not doing a lot of artwork a bunch of the time. I have lost my drive for constant art-making, and I have become very disappointed with what I do create.
What I end up doing is usually just sketches.
I can't end up finishing them very well.
I take a VERY long time with most of the ones I do finish, and when they're finished, I can't help but feel... bad about how they're not "good enough."
I surround myself with people who are amazing artists.
That's how I've grown up though. My mom is a brilliant artist. I grew up with amazing art all around me.
That is what made me continue making art.
My mom sees my art, and she's extremely impressed.
She notes how well I illustrate concepts (which I've always done since I was very little), how I use media that she couldn't even dream to use (markers in particular), how advanced I am at my age in comparison to how she was at her age.
I can't help but feel like I don't deserve that appreciation though. My art is just plain BAD in comparison to people on this website, people who are even younger than me, people who are just more skilled than me.
And the productivity rate in comparison to all the other people who are hobbyist artists like myself... well, they have a ton more stuff on their plates (jobs, school, etc.) and they STILL get tons of art done in what they have for SPARE time.
All I HAVE is spare time. I am not employed currently. I SHOULD be doing more art. I SHOULD be improving at a really fast rate, and I should be using every moment I have to improve my skills.
But I don't. I don't think it's worth it. I feel like I should just give up.
I almost think that my art skills have just stalled. I might have even gotten worse over the past few months. It is very disturbing to me. I look at art from maybe a year ago and I'm more proud of it than what I am drawing now.
The only thing I see as an improvement in my art is that I started branching out and using digital media. I'm getting better with Photoshop more quickly than I've improved with anything... So maybe that's what I'm stalled at. Maybe that's why I haven't improved with my technical art skills.
While I see that this idea might be stalled because I am stalled... Because I don't work to my full potential currently. Or to much of any potential. I would need to actually study, actually work at it all the time. idk.
But I'm also terrified to come face to face with the fact that it's my fault that I don't get better. It's because of me. It's my fault. Simple as that.
Part of me wants to go to art school. Part of me wants to learn to be an illustrator. Or, as I've recently wanted to become, a tattoo artist. Part of me wants that.
But the more logical part of me, and the more emotional part of me (both parts at the same time) both know that:
1) I couldn't make it through more school. School was the most horrible experience of my life. And it lasted for 12 fucking years. Thank the fucking overseers of this world it is over now, and furthering that hellish experience is optional past 12th grade.
2) I'm terrified. Because of the turmoil I have endured throughout school, and the fact that the logical side of my brain does justify the terror I feel. So that turns back to point 1.
I... I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I cannot do school anymore. That is out of the question. I've suffered enough from that. No more.
I'm just at a weird point. And I don't feel like I'm going to find any answers soon. And I'm too scared to find any answers. And I don't feel like I'm going to be at a point where I can face that fear and find the answers.
I'm crying.
I dunno.
What I end up doing is usually just sketches.
I can't end up finishing them very well.
I take a VERY long time with most of the ones I do finish, and when they're finished, I can't help but feel... bad about how they're not "good enough."
I surround myself with people who are amazing artists.
That's how I've grown up though. My mom is a brilliant artist. I grew up with amazing art all around me.
That is what made me continue making art.
My mom sees my art, and she's extremely impressed.
She notes how well I illustrate concepts (which I've always done since I was very little), how I use media that she couldn't even dream to use (markers in particular), how advanced I am at my age in comparison to how she was at her age.
I can't help but feel like I don't deserve that appreciation though. My art is just plain BAD in comparison to people on this website, people who are even younger than me, people who are just more skilled than me.
And the productivity rate in comparison to all the other people who are hobbyist artists like myself... well, they have a ton more stuff on their plates (jobs, school, etc.) and they STILL get tons of art done in what they have for SPARE time.
All I HAVE is spare time. I am not employed currently. I SHOULD be doing more art. I SHOULD be improving at a really fast rate, and I should be using every moment I have to improve my skills.
But I don't. I don't think it's worth it. I feel like I should just give up.
I almost think that my art skills have just stalled. I might have even gotten worse over the past few months. It is very disturbing to me. I look at art from maybe a year ago and I'm more proud of it than what I am drawing now.
The only thing I see as an improvement in my art is that I started branching out and using digital media. I'm getting better with Photoshop more quickly than I've improved with anything... So maybe that's what I'm stalled at. Maybe that's why I haven't improved with my technical art skills.
While I see that this idea might be stalled because I am stalled... Because I don't work to my full potential currently. Or to much of any potential. I would need to actually study, actually work at it all the time. idk.
But I'm also terrified to come face to face with the fact that it's my fault that I don't get better. It's because of me. It's my fault. Simple as that.
Part of me wants to go to art school. Part of me wants to learn to be an illustrator. Or, as I've recently wanted to become, a tattoo artist. Part of me wants that.
But the more logical part of me, and the more emotional part of me (both parts at the same time) both know that:
1) I couldn't make it through more school. School was the most horrible experience of my life. And it lasted for 12 fucking years. Thank the fucking overseers of this world it is over now, and furthering that hellish experience is optional past 12th grade.
2) I'm terrified. Because of the turmoil I have endured throughout school, and the fact that the logical side of my brain does justify the terror I feel. So that turns back to point 1.
I... I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I cannot do school anymore. That is out of the question. I've suffered enough from that. No more.
I'm just at a weird point. And I don't feel like I'm going to find any answers soon. And I'm too scared to find any answers. And I don't feel like I'm going to be at a point where I can face that fear and find the answers.
I'm crying.
I dunno.
I'm better at art than I ever thought possible but I still suck majorly in comparison to a lot of people on this site. but I just veiw them as inspiration and goal I might one day achieve. keep drawing ok. sometimes our art hits a plateau of not getting better, but just try different things. get yourself a graphic tablet (if you have one) and try working on new digital projects or just shake things up a bit by doing something totally not what you would normally do.
the most important bit of advice though is to not stress too much about it, the more pressurised you feel the more compounded your problem will be. just remember why you started drawing in the first place. enjoy doing art cause it's supposed to be a release. not stressful.
*quiet hugs*
I'm 21. Almost 22. But college age. And that's what I think is bringing down my self-esteem about this. That there are so many other people going to school for developing these skills, and I cannot handle that.
As for trying new things, I realized while playing with a friend's Intuos4 and Paint Tool SAI that I really enjoyed that program/tablet combo. Now, I can't get SAI on this computer, and I'm using a tiny Bamboo tablet, which I have grown a little bit frustrated with (however I still love it, and I'm getting as much out of as I can). I am thinking of saving up for a better tablet sometime soon. Well, after the convention, which is where my saving money is going right now, since it's only 2 weeks away, haha.
I'm gonna keep on trucking. Keep on trying new things.
Thank you again.
*hugs back*
I hate to see you sad D: . In a way it is a good thing that you are feeling this way. You see that you could do more and you are NOT a huge cocky artist who thinks you are better then everyone. You are very realistic with where you are and what you can do. If you ever need to talk or ask for a critique you can always come to me :3. My art is not that great but I would still love to help.
BTW your art does NOT suck to me <3! I love it it is very unique and has its own style and thats wonderful :D
I have always had a hard time intentionally changing my style. Like, I see things I want to tweak, but I don't know what to do to tweak them, y'know? And I feel like a really well-rounded artist can do those things, but obviously I'm not as well-rounded as those people. I keep wondering if I should just suck it up and go to "real school" or take art lessons or SOMETHING. But I'm scared of all those things. -_-'
Anyway, Magen... thank you. I really appreciate all of this comment. ;u;
Also according to a facebook game thing, you scream like a little girl when you're in a horror movie with me. You'll see...
The only thing tou can Just keep drawing, and even if your sketches look nothing like you've planned, colour them. It's all about the slogging through, if you're in a rut, go outside and draw some trees or nature. The more you draw, and the larger range of subject matter, the better you get, and even if you don't see it.
I used to do a lot of gesture drawings and stuff of people I just saw at places I was located. I think I should be doing that again... Try to get as much variety in my sketchbooks as I can.
One of my major hurdles is that my imagination has faltered the older I've gotten. I dont day dream of imaginary places or themes anymore and so its become harder to draw anything significant to me.
Id say go back to school if you can. Im not sure what your experiences were in grade school but college is different in the attitudes of other people, your peers and your teachers. If you were picked on in grade school then it wont happen in college. And if it for some reason does then that persons life apparently must be miserable if he/she is bothering you.
Also, in comparison to almost every other similar art program, it is THE most affordable. If you wanna try a new art program, maybe try FireAlpaca? It's no SAI but it's decent, and free. :>
Yeah, it wasn't so much the social situations in school that drive me away from it. It was the stress of having the classes so intense. Even though it was things I could learn and I knew already, and on top of that, I was an out-performer at school--I always participated, etc.--it was the fact that school sucked every little bit of energy out of me, and I then never did my homework because I would go home and just break down and NEED to rest. I wasn't able to handle all of it. It wasn't just the fact that people would pick on me, because even when that wasn't happening, it was WAY too much work to handle.
I know that in college you get to pick and choose what classes you take at what times, for the most part, and they're more specialized than in school. But even the things that I am good at, if I take a class of them, I trip up somewhere and fail the class (I took a single drawing class at a community college the other year, and just failed the hell out of it because of something that I got tripped up on, and then that made me unable to finish the REST of the things even past the stuff that I tripped up on... it was big and complicated, and it was the easiest class in the world and I STILL couldn't pass it).
As for the day dreaming, I've found that I mostly dream based off of different, already-existing fantasy lands. Like, I'll expand upon cartoon characters making my own in my head, etc. But I totally get that hurdle. I kind of hit it too. Trying to come up with cool fantastical species is something that I've recently started trying to do... That might help if I keep at it.
I really appreciate all the comments saying that I should try not to put myself down too much, because it's a pretty common thought string I'm having right now.
It's just hard for me to get out of that string of thoughts.
As far as school goes...the fortunate part about entering into school as an adult, is a lot of the crap you dealt with in high school gets left behind.
If you know what you want to do and where to go to get it done, now's the time.
Also remember too, failure is an event, not a person.
I don't even really know what to say about this comment. Thank you.
That's a very good way of putting it. The only thing is that a lot of the comparison I'm doing is to others' behind-the-scenes. Their little doodles they whip up in a handful of minutes while I'm around them. And I cannot do that. I'm amazed. That is their behind-the-scenes cut... and... My highlight reel is *maybe* as good as their little goofs.
On a side note, I didn't know you were considering becoming a tattoo artist.
Everyone feels a little shitty sometimes and it often feels like the shit won't go away but in the end it always does.
Maybe you can make a goal of getting some practice at FF? (doodling in people's sketchbooks and what have you)
I'm here for you and I'll always love you.
I'm glad you still like my art. Sometimes I feel like it's even not that great to you though (not that you like, show distaste in it or anything, since you don't, lol), since I don't do the subject matter that you love all that well... I'm not strong in drawing muscle furs, nor macros. And yet you still appreciate my art. It's good to hear that.
And I feel ya. I think you're doing a good thing by going to the classes though, since a diploma or GED really opens up more paths to be able to make money in your life.
I actually had been thinking about tattoo apprenticing for a while, but I have no clue if I'd be good at it, or anything. I just know I love tattoo art, and if that's something that could eventually get me a steady job, then why not consider it? I mean, obviously it takes a LONG time training and stuff. And you start off shitty. Everybody does. Heh.
Pfpfpfjfhghfjfk is how I feel about everything right now.
I hope to do some doodling at FF!
For sure!
My therapist was even telling me to consider doing Artist's Alley for a day or something, to get the experience. But right now, I'm not at a level where I'm comfortable with that yet. I can't pump out pretty pictures as quickly as people will want them done. :/
Anyway, I love you too. It's cool to see that through all the years of our friendship, all the changes that have happened, and all the arguments over stupid shit we've had, we're still great friends. :D