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The new chapter (intrapersonal speculation)
13 years ago
General
Its been a while..a long while since I had posted my last personal journal. Ive had a lot gone through my mind the last couple months and with time to think, I think I have a pretty good grasp of what to say with sounding like a retard lol
I will say that change is a scary thing. Venturing into the unknown, travelling a new road that hasnt been walked before, and taking a chance into something upon belief and hope. In the past through my experiences Ive always been the type to make changes. Most of the time, radical ones. Now that a new change is soon to come, My mate and I will be making new changes to move to CA very very soon!
Im gonna be completely honest, I am excited! I cant believe that my amazing mate had wanted to make this next step and of all radical changes, he wants to see a whole new place that he swore that he would never go to. Back to familiar grounds for Matsi and I, but he wants to see and meet those who are important in my life. He wishes to show his valor, respect, and love to my 'family' and show them that he is the right person for me. In my eyes, that is a major green flag! :D
In the other side of that spectrum, as excited as I am, I'm also terrified. What makes this change so hard for me is that I'm afraid CA will be something he cant adjust to, or it would be too hard, or it wouldnt be enough, or SOMETHING...What makes this change harder is that someone else, someone who I know is very involved in my life greatly, someone who I love, is doing something this daring. In my mind, I know I cant paint this piture of perfection, but at the same time, I dont want my mate running away because of how extreme this change can be for him and his woof.
This fear stems from a very typical furry situation I know most of us have all seen at some point or another. Said Furry A meets said Furry B. They talk, they chat, they like each other, they fall in love and from one thing to another, they meet, they move in with each other...and thats when things start to turn bad. Compatibility starts to falter under everyday-exposure to new partner and then LIFE kicks in and boots them upside-the head and wakes them up thinking that it really wasnt meant to be for the both of them. I will admit, I had participated in this kind of scenario twice now and the damage it has done to my heart and emotions had turned me into this walking breathing stained-glass body thats slowly putting the pieces back to bring the picture whole. During my time here in MO, during the time of repairing myself, during the time I thought that I would of been too scared to trust someone that deeply... things had changed
Here I am 2 years later not only loving again but feeling that my heart has grown stronger through his support, his care, and ultimately his love. With as much as we had grown together, fought against each other, and talked with each other to pass through the hoops that life has thrown against us, here we are again to make another step forward in our lives. I had taken the risk to try and make it out here in MO and I (think) I can say I did a pretty good job here. I held my first job here throughout the entire 2 years I've been here, while even holding a second job as well for a good portion of time, I made a lot of friends (some good close ones too) and even got the respect and love from Eynki's mother and grandmother while they were here in MO. I feel that I left a pretty good footprint here in MO and now its time to keep the tracks goin...
I fear that through this change, through us moving to CA together, I fear that things will turn bad like most furry situations do, but when I look back and see what Eynki has done for Matsi and I it gets me all teary eyed... Seeing how much opened-armed support, warmth, and love I had been blessed with the past 2 years helped me see that theres hope in this. I feel that we're not like the stereotypical furry-couple who brings a U-Haul on the first date lol As much as Eynki has been a totem of strength, wisdom, knowledge, and what family is... I want him to know that I love him so much and I will try my best to make CA as wonderful as possible. Through our good times, and the bad. The confusing, and the awesome. Our high and our low's... I want to be part of it every step of the way...no matter how much I'm excited for this or how scared I am. I know I'm ready to walk this road with him by my side.
I will say that change is a scary thing. Venturing into the unknown, travelling a new road that hasnt been walked before, and taking a chance into something upon belief and hope. In the past through my experiences Ive always been the type to make changes. Most of the time, radical ones. Now that a new change is soon to come, My mate and I will be making new changes to move to CA very very soon!
Im gonna be completely honest, I am excited! I cant believe that my amazing mate had wanted to make this next step and of all radical changes, he wants to see a whole new place that he swore that he would never go to. Back to familiar grounds for Matsi and I, but he wants to see and meet those who are important in my life. He wishes to show his valor, respect, and love to my 'family' and show them that he is the right person for me. In my eyes, that is a major green flag! :D
In the other side of that spectrum, as excited as I am, I'm also terrified. What makes this change so hard for me is that I'm afraid CA will be something he cant adjust to, or it would be too hard, or it wouldnt be enough, or SOMETHING...What makes this change harder is that someone else, someone who I know is very involved in my life greatly, someone who I love, is doing something this daring. In my mind, I know I cant paint this piture of perfection, but at the same time, I dont want my mate running away because of how extreme this change can be for him and his woof.
This fear stems from a very typical furry situation I know most of us have all seen at some point or another. Said Furry A meets said Furry B. They talk, they chat, they like each other, they fall in love and from one thing to another, they meet, they move in with each other...and thats when things start to turn bad. Compatibility starts to falter under everyday-exposure to new partner and then LIFE kicks in and boots them upside-the head and wakes them up thinking that it really wasnt meant to be for the both of them. I will admit, I had participated in this kind of scenario twice now and the damage it has done to my heart and emotions had turned me into this walking breathing stained-glass body thats slowly putting the pieces back to bring the picture whole. During my time here in MO, during the time of repairing myself, during the time I thought that I would of been too scared to trust someone that deeply... things had changed
Here I am 2 years later not only loving again but feeling that my heart has grown stronger through his support, his care, and ultimately his love. With as much as we had grown together, fought against each other, and talked with each other to pass through the hoops that life has thrown against us, here we are again to make another step forward in our lives. I had taken the risk to try and make it out here in MO and I (think) I can say I did a pretty good job here. I held my first job here throughout the entire 2 years I've been here, while even holding a second job as well for a good portion of time, I made a lot of friends (some good close ones too) and even got the respect and love from Eynki's mother and grandmother while they were here in MO. I feel that I left a pretty good footprint here in MO and now its time to keep the tracks goin...
I fear that through this change, through us moving to CA together, I fear that things will turn bad like most furry situations do, but when I look back and see what Eynki has done for Matsi and I it gets me all teary eyed... Seeing how much opened-armed support, warmth, and love I had been blessed with the past 2 years helped me see that theres hope in this. I feel that we're not like the stereotypical furry-couple who brings a U-Haul on the first date lol As much as Eynki has been a totem of strength, wisdom, knowledge, and what family is... I want him to know that I love him so much and I will try my best to make CA as wonderful as possible. Through our good times, and the bad. The confusing, and the awesome. Our high and our low's... I want to be part of it every step of the way...no matter how much I'm excited for this or how scared I am. I know I'm ready to walk this road with him by my side.
Now if only we can see yall before you adbandon us here in the midwest for good.
Though I'm sure it's not necessary; a word of caution. Emotion has a way of clouding reason, don't allow affection to get in the way of reality for example, consider it might not be the place your left, or once the novelty as expired it might not be the place E wants. The unemployment rate in CA is 10.6% It has the third highest unemployment rate in the U.S. As romantic as love in poverty is, it's certainly adds a new level of pressure and stress on a relationship, especially if it requires the both of you to put in so many hours at work that you never get to spend time with each other. I believe you two already know a thing or two about that situation. And lastly CA has a lot of history for Kota, places and people that had been left and now returned to. People that have missed him and will want his company, perhaps even old flames wanting to rekindle old feelings, fucking furries and all that. I believe you'd had some experience with this situation as well, I just see that with a greater collection of old friends provides a greater potential for people to become overwhelmed by certain conflicting emotions.
I am however just an onlooker, a very distant onlooker, but I think so long as you guys can overcome these things the travel will do nothing if not bolster your love, admiration, and respect for one another. I've heard it said that when we fall in love with someone we fall in love with three people, the person they've been, the person they are, and the person they will be. I invite you to fall in love all over again.