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I think....Maybe
13 years ago
General
Greetings One & All
I think....Maybe I sorta know what's bothering me.
But first, I just want to say how overwhelmed by the love I've been shown since my journal yesterday. Please know that I didn't write it with the idea of people expressing an out pour of love for me. I'm very humbled that you feel I'm worthy enough to be your friend. My main purpose was to express how horrible I felt about some of my recent actions. *hugs* I wish i could give each & everyone of you a real one...Right NOW!! But, my friends, internet hugs will have to do for now.
Friends...Friendship. Those words mean an awful lot to me. And I would like to take a moment to explain why. Children can be very cruel & words hurt...ALOT!! And the sting from them can haunt a person years & years later. Growing up, I had very few friends. I was a fat kid & often the butt of jokes. There were many times that someone would play with me as a last result or if i could do something for them. So, as I got older, I would do whatever it would take for someone to like me. And, I can honestly tell you, I'm quite ashamed of some of the things I did. Anyway, as I have aged, I have learned that not everyone wants something from me. And that I am liked for who I am. However, now & then, the childhood demons appear & taunt me. Make me crazy. Doubting things & people. And I get sent on a roller coaster ride that I have no control over.
Ok....now having said all that. As Sumr & I were working out this morning, I had some time to think. And I realized some things. At least, I think....
I have friends. REAL friends. Friends that me because of who I am. Not because I can (or do) do things for them.
But I have a couple of specific friends:
One, I use to talk to everyday. We would text & chat about everything & nothing. However, their life has changed in recent months & now, maybe, MAYBE a short conversation once a week.
Two, I have another friend that I've crushed on for quite some time. We are good friends & talk, chat & text often. I know that nothing could ever happen between us. They've been hurt in horrible ways. I want nothing more than to step in, but it can never happen for several reason.
These nasty, childhood demons are creeping in to tell me that these 2 'friends' never REALLY liked me & it is just wishful thinking. It's a strange & bizzare rejection that I am fighting. And I think, maybe that's part of it. I know the demons are liars & that these 2 are really my friends. But the memories of days gone by haunt me sometimes. Times when I let my guard down. Times when I feel alone. And times when I'm not even aware that they are creeping back in. It's always sly, slow & subtle. But the effects are damaging. Or so it seems. I end up questioning why would anyone like me. And then, I'm still that fat, ugly little girl on the playground, begging for a friend.
A couple more little thoughts:
One, I am sorry to one friend in particular. I won't say who. You know who you are. And I promise I won't say it again.
Two, thank you someone else very specific. You really helped open my eyes. I appreciated your time last night.
Three, thank you to everyone for the out pouring of love. And good wishes. And for the willingness to be there for me. I love you!!!
I'm not off the roller coaster yet. But, I can see the end of this ride in my sites. And, hopefully, I'm be back to normal sooner than later!!!
But first, I just want to say how overwhelmed by the love I've been shown since my journal yesterday. Please know that I didn't write it with the idea of people expressing an out pour of love for me. I'm very humbled that you feel I'm worthy enough to be your friend. My main purpose was to express how horrible I felt about some of my recent actions. *hugs* I wish i could give each & everyone of you a real one...Right NOW!! But, my friends, internet hugs will have to do for now.
Friends...Friendship. Those words mean an awful lot to me. And I would like to take a moment to explain why. Children can be very cruel & words hurt...ALOT!! And the sting from them can haunt a person years & years later. Growing up, I had very few friends. I was a fat kid & often the butt of jokes. There were many times that someone would play with me as a last result or if i could do something for them. So, as I got older, I would do whatever it would take for someone to like me. And, I can honestly tell you, I'm quite ashamed of some of the things I did. Anyway, as I have aged, I have learned that not everyone wants something from me. And that I am liked for who I am. However, now & then, the childhood demons appear & taunt me. Make me crazy. Doubting things & people. And I get sent on a roller coaster ride that I have no control over.
Ok....now having said all that. As Sumr & I were working out this morning, I had some time to think. And I realized some things. At least, I think....
I have friends. REAL friends. Friends that me because of who I am. Not because I can (or do) do things for them.
But I have a couple of specific friends:
One, I use to talk to everyday. We would text & chat about everything & nothing. However, their life has changed in recent months & now, maybe, MAYBE a short conversation once a week.
Two, I have another friend that I've crushed on for quite some time. We are good friends & talk, chat & text often. I know that nothing could ever happen between us. They've been hurt in horrible ways. I want nothing more than to step in, but it can never happen for several reason.
These nasty, childhood demons are creeping in to tell me that these 2 'friends' never REALLY liked me & it is just wishful thinking. It's a strange & bizzare rejection that I am fighting. And I think, maybe that's part of it. I know the demons are liars & that these 2 are really my friends. But the memories of days gone by haunt me sometimes. Times when I let my guard down. Times when I feel alone. And times when I'm not even aware that they are creeping back in. It's always sly, slow & subtle. But the effects are damaging. Or so it seems. I end up questioning why would anyone like me. And then, I'm still that fat, ugly little girl on the playground, begging for a friend.
A couple more little thoughts:
One, I am sorry to one friend in particular. I won't say who. You know who you are. And I promise I won't say it again.
Two, thank you someone else very specific. You really helped open my eyes. I appreciated your time last night.
Three, thank you to everyone for the out pouring of love. And good wishes. And for the willingness to be there for me. I love you!!!
I'm not off the roller coaster yet. But, I can see the end of this ride in my sites. And, hopefully, I'm be back to normal sooner than later!!!
I don't know about my smile though but thank you for saying so. *hugs*
When they come to the surface, it can be a horible scary and frustrating/confusing time. But when other people are haunted by their demons, I know that you help make them run away and hide. We hope we can do the same for you. A lot of people take your cheerfulness for granted. I know I have and I regret it. And sometimes we do not realize that you are human too and that have your own demons to deal with. But I just want to say how proud I am of you and your post. What you did took courage and we acknowledge and love you for that.
God bless you Hollie. *Hugs tight*
These are tough times. People are struggling, many people is angry because the election's approaching, and it's very easy to imagine oneself the target of at least some of the anger and frustration going around. It's easy to feel worthless without any assistance from circumstances; add them, and the writing appears sometimes to be on the wall about ourselves.
Most of us are scared, confused, lonely people who want to be loved. You're not alone, and you're not alone in that respect, either.
We love you and we're here. It's okay to not be so sure about this whole "the world" thing, for now.
You know that if you ever need to talk about ANYTHING I am only a FB message away.
*MEGA HUGE BEAR HUGS*
You are a wonderfull person Hollie, don't let ANYone, not even you yourself, tell you otherwise!
We love you for who you are, not for how you look or anything like that.
You are YOU, that's the most wonderfull thing about you.
*hug*
I wish I could say or do more to lend comfort for you though Hollie. I know I'm probably not one of the people you know the best or even consider a friend since I don't see you much outside of streams but I do worry about you and hope you feel better. Just remember you have a lit if people out here in the ether pulling for you. *hugs*
I hope you feel better soon Hollie, and if you ever need me you can find my contact info all over my userpage *waves*
As far as childhood demons, we all have them. It's something we all have to deal with throughout our lives. I doubt they ever really go away - we just each learn how to keep them in their cages for the most part. You do a great job staying on top of things - your family considers you the leader. You took care of everything when you lost both of your parents last year and still had to help your brothers after that. Everyone loves you at work and you have two great kids and a pawsome husband. By any account, you are "doing it right". I have a great deal of respect and admiration for you as you handle pressure like a champ. I know you have had a rough past, but overall you keep the past in the past. As far as your self-image, that's a tough one. You know I still fight that demon as well. No matter how big and muscular I get, I still myself as the skinny little kid. That may never change. Keep that in mind when that demon comes to taunt you and try to derail your exercising. No one is perfect, but the effort to improve helps you mentally as well as physically. Just because you see yourself one way, please don't discount how others see you. When you get compliments, even though it's difficult and I'm just as guilty at this, try to accept them gracefully and know they are being given because the person truly means it.
Looking forward to seeing you at MFF. I'll have a whole new batch of burr hugs waiting for ya.
I look forward to the deliver of hugs!!
So, I'm glad to see that you're cheering up. There's lots of us that have to battle our demons at the most inconvenient of times, and I'm sure you'll win this round. :}
And with all the love that is being poured out on me, I know this round is almost over & I will be coming victorious!!
I know I've nay spoken to you as much as I could of but you've always brightened up the chat and by extension my day when you where in chat.
I can't say much that hasn't already been said
so internet hugs for a special person
*hugs*