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I need help from those of you with story skills
13 years ago
So awhile ago I had a vote for what my next short comic would be and it was decided that I should do a short about the Colony-ship Abraham and I've been fiddling with it on and off ever since. I've finally got my broad strokes down, but the format for how I want to tell the story is less direct than what I originally thought it would be and I need help tweaking it to make it better. My dialogue draft is below. If you have time please read through and just tell me what works and what doesn't. The roman numerals are page numbers and starting page 3 I have specific dialogue assigned to characters and important actions written in asterisks where appropriate.
WARNING: THERE IS SWEARING BEYOND THIS POINT!!
I
Victor reading from a console
Bernard walks in.
Victor is reading about the Abraham
Bernard thinks it's "stupid conspiracy theory bs"
II
Bernard says it was Theodore Joshua
Detective Hedrigson's notes confirm presence of Joshua
III
Victor: Hedrigson was also prone to taking excessively aggressive actions.
He has been documented numerous times saying
"better a thousand innocents die, than a single soul be allowed to sleep"
Bernard: In written reports by people who disliked his political views.
IV
Bernard: he has never said anything close to that, either on camera or in any reputable report of any kind!
Victor: Oh! So I suppose the Seraph Fleet Report isn't reputable, then?
Bernard: The SFR? Are you fucking serious, Victor? You want to bring up the shitpipe that reported the Iliad's routine engine maintenance as "a potential catastrophic failure" and tell me their fucking reputable?
V
Markus: What are the two waste hatches arguing about now?
Marla: Guess.
Markus: Ha ha! Is it too late to place bets on when the LT will--
Greta: Yes.
Markus: I didn't even--
Greta: No more bets.
Markus: I ever tell you you're a heartless bitch, Greta?
Greta: Yes. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy every time.
VI
Victor: And another thing! The Abraham's engines overloaded at 14:52, EXACTLY 2 hours after Hedringson's arrival on the ship.
Bernard: And it takes over 2 hours just to get through processing. Plus another half hour to get into Engineering NOT counting transit time!
Victor: And Hedrigson would have had the contacts to bypass processing entirely--
Bernard: BULLSHIT! Not even the Prophet can bypass processing! Joshua and his followers had planned this in advance!
VII
Bernard: The Abraham's records show an increase in new arrivals during the prior 2 months including multiple new engineering staff!
Victor: Please. Neither Joshua or his followers have ever even attempted to overload a ship's engines.
Bernard: Exactly! So no one was expecting them to attack in that manner--
Ceaser: Hey deadbeats! Stow it before I kill you both!
VIII
Bernard: Lieutenant, we were just--
Ceaser: I said stow it! The Abraham sank almost a century ago! How and why are not important anymore. I never want to hear you two having this fucking argument ever again! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD!?!
Bernard & Victor: *salute* Sir, yes sir!
Marla: *groans handing money to Greta* I should have quit betting while I was ahead.
Markus: You were never ahead and you know it.
WARNING: THERE IS SWEARING BEYOND THIS POINT!!
I
Victor reading from a console
Bernard walks in.
Victor is reading about the Abraham
Bernard thinks it's "stupid conspiracy theory bs"
II
Bernard says it was Theodore Joshua
Detective Hedrigson's notes confirm presence of Joshua
III
Victor: Hedrigson was also prone to taking excessively aggressive actions.
He has been documented numerous times saying
"better a thousand innocents die, than a single soul be allowed to sleep"
Bernard: In written reports by people who disliked his political views.
IV
Bernard: he has never said anything close to that, either on camera or in any reputable report of any kind!
Victor: Oh! So I suppose the Seraph Fleet Report isn't reputable, then?
Bernard: The SFR? Are you fucking serious, Victor? You want to bring up the shitpipe that reported the Iliad's routine engine maintenance as "a potential catastrophic failure" and tell me their fucking reputable?
V
Markus: What are the two waste hatches arguing about now?
Marla: Guess.
Markus: Ha ha! Is it too late to place bets on when the LT will--
Greta: Yes.
Markus: I didn't even--
Greta: No more bets.
Markus: I ever tell you you're a heartless bitch, Greta?
Greta: Yes. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy every time.
VI
Victor: And another thing! The Abraham's engines overloaded at 14:52, EXACTLY 2 hours after Hedringson's arrival on the ship.
Bernard: And it takes over 2 hours just to get through processing. Plus another half hour to get into Engineering NOT counting transit time!
Victor: And Hedrigson would have had the contacts to bypass processing entirely--
Bernard: BULLSHIT! Not even the Prophet can bypass processing! Joshua and his followers had planned this in advance!
VII
Bernard: The Abraham's records show an increase in new arrivals during the prior 2 months including multiple new engineering staff!
Victor: Please. Neither Joshua or his followers have ever even attempted to overload a ship's engines.
Bernard: Exactly! So no one was expecting them to attack in that manner--
Ceaser: Hey deadbeats! Stow it before I kill you both!
VIII
Bernard: Lieutenant, we were just--
Ceaser: I said stow it! The Abraham sank almost a century ago! How and why are not important anymore. I never want to hear you two having this fucking argument ever again! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD!?!
Bernard & Victor: *salute* Sir, yes sir!
Marla: *groans handing money to Greta* I should have quit betting while I was ahead.
Markus: You were never ahead and you know it.
Is it set in space future time? :v
Maybe writing more like a movie script would help things move along, since it's not going to just be text.
It doesn't seem to me like they'd talk like that either, at least between Bernard and Victor.
Markus and Greta seem the flow really well though.
I think things seem to roll after V, but 1-3 are kinda clunky. But maybe they'd work better in comic form instead of text. :v
I hope I'm helping. lol
Exposition ftw
I had a hard time keeping up with the first few parts, though maybe that's cuz of backstory, which makes sense, from a not in the story way.
lol
Although you could totally get some Moffat grade "OH OKAY EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW" moments out of it :v
Integrate all the story lines! 8v
Either way, I really like how there's backstory to like, most of it <3
and you don't have to understand that one bit because I need to rewrite it.