(As a note: Yes, this was written after almost 3 days of little sleep. I am leaving it up, because I still believe that voicing my fears openly makes them much easier to deal with. It has also helped in some cases for me to get ideas that could be put into practice. Thank you for everyone who responded and dealt with the ridiculous amount of doom and gloom in this. Your strength has helped me get over a pretty big freak out.)


I'm not okay. A couple weeks before oklacon, I had something odd happen to me. Home invasion style odd. I suppose the weight of that occurrence is now really hitting home. I couldn't sleep last night, with half-awake fantasies running through my head of faceless men creeping around my backyard; uttering soft whispers to make sure they weren't detected.

A single person invaded my territory, and while he took nothing from me, he gave me a very real fear. Somehow, before; I was comforted by the fact that my odd sleep schedule would keep me safe and aware, but now that no longer keeps me asleep through the night. After all, a person desperate enough to enter my household probably won't be dissuaded from such by a butcher knife. If anything, it might turn a simple breaking and entering plus thievery into something much darker, because in my lucid dreams, eventually; I always see them. They have faces that make them vulnerable and more susceptible to violence.

I'm not sure where.this fear comes from, but I can guess it's two most likely sources: fear of the unknown and fear of death. In the former, I'm afraid I won't be aware of the crime being committed, or that I will be awoken and disoriented by the sin in progress. I fear in some of these fantasies that the faceless men aren't coming for material gain. They are coming in their drug-addled logic simply to harm or scare, and that is the worst possible thing I could think of. In the latter fear, I think of being shot point blank in my sleep, never aware of the act but the seconds it might take to process 'I am dying and in pain,' if I'm even afforded that. Worse, even the possible emppowerment of knowing my enemy could even more result in my face gnawed off or my stomach being stabbed into.

The first step for me into conquering my fear is giving it a voice, so I write this journal to make it more real than my paranoid delusions. Make it more real and it is something that can be fought, because you can't fight the dreams buried in your subconscious. Now my faceless invaders exist, and to stop fearing them, I have to be able to thwart them. This is where I am now. It's not a good place to be. I want to make a positive conclusion, to end this on a good note, but as my first sentence says, I'm not okay. So, I'll end with:

To be continued.

[Edit: I've done some good long talking about this issue with a couple of friends and taken the next step to making myself feel more secure. Namely, the dryer now blocks my back laundry room door that is the weak point of this house. I'm feeling a little bit better with that knowledge. One step at a time. And the back porch lights left on constantly. VERY sensitive motion detecting annoying halloween noise thing on back porch. Feels good with just those small steps. Next step: motion sensor lights for the backporch pointed toward the backyard and solar decorative lights for backyard. Ultimate goals: handgun, CHL, self defense classes, possible security camera setup. Right now, bed and a GOOD (slightly drugged) night's sleep is in order.]