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I am unhappy.
13 years ago
And I plan to fix that.
Everyday I stress about school because I'm too busy browsing reddit or talking to furries or getting distracted with my ADHD like tendencies. So I'm always worrying about homework Because I don't do well in focusing so I always feel like, and am, behind on personal art since I have no time for it because I can't focus on the important stuff.
I stress and have no outlet for my creative ventures except in the short minute minutes of peace on breaks and in class when I'm bored. Then I go to work and get treated like a worthless cash register by all the high and mighty patrons that come in for food. Some are friendly, most don't care.
I get sir'd (called my old gender) everyday which degrades my self worth and makes me not want to get hormone treatment since I never feel adequate enough to pass on even that basic level. Because my dad is still against it, I cannot even wear my clothes in my home that make me feel more secure.
Then I come home to a broken home with no-one agreeing on anything and treading old memories that I'd rather never bring up that constantly bog me down further. I smoke weed to counteract these negative feelings and help me sleep at night, otherwise I would be awake until 4-5am with horrible anxiety about feeling alone and worthless. But that just takes away precious time I could be spending on a model or on a paper.
This is my schedule. Every day. And I need to change it.
Someone told me that sometimes, people have to do things they don't want to, even if it makes them unhappy. I hate this idea. I hate it with a bloody passion. That this idea is constantly perpetuated, and I've watched my family basically crumble over the years because of THIS EXACT REASON, makes me burn with frustration at hearing it AGAIN. So fuck it.
I'm probably going to quit my job. I hate it already, I hate working fast food and I hate the way I feel after I work there. I'm already looking into internships, nothing seems promising but whatever. If I don't find something soon I'm just going to take the time I get off from work to build up my portfolio. I'll at least feel successful and accomplished instead of feeling like I just wasted the past 6-7 hours.
I just recently found out how cheap hormones are. I was told they would cost me around 200+ a month, but apparently I can get them as cheap as 50$ a month or a little more and have my insurance cover it. Laser is more expensive, but If I can at least be on hormones, I'd be happy.
I don't know how to deal with my ADHD. I know some people say it's not real and it's a cop out, but I think I do have it because nothing explains it otherwise. I can't concentrate on anything for very long (unless I smoke) and that includes fun things like video games. It's like I'm a hyper puppy that can't turn off sometimes. Don't suggest meds, because I know and have field tested every ADHD drug on the market and my body rejects them through severe side effects. However, I'm getting better at getting away from distractions, so that's a step up in my book.
I'm not gunna stop smoking weed. Why? it keeps me mellow and works for my short-term stress while I get over hoops. I just need to wait a little longer at night before I smoke so I can get more work done.
If all goes well I'll be able to draw more, be more active here and actually get artwork I want done, done.
Sorry for the wall of text, if you actually read all that, congrats. This isn't really posted for you guys though, I'm just letting off steam.
Everyday I stress about school because I'm too busy browsing reddit or talking to furries or getting distracted with my ADHD like tendencies. So I'm always worrying about homework Because I don't do well in focusing so I always feel like, and am, behind on personal art since I have no time for it because I can't focus on the important stuff.
I stress and have no outlet for my creative ventures except in the short minute minutes of peace on breaks and in class when I'm bored. Then I go to work and get treated like a worthless cash register by all the high and mighty patrons that come in for food. Some are friendly, most don't care.
I get sir'd (called my old gender) everyday which degrades my self worth and makes me not want to get hormone treatment since I never feel adequate enough to pass on even that basic level. Because my dad is still against it, I cannot even wear my clothes in my home that make me feel more secure.
Then I come home to a broken home with no-one agreeing on anything and treading old memories that I'd rather never bring up that constantly bog me down further. I smoke weed to counteract these negative feelings and help me sleep at night, otherwise I would be awake until 4-5am with horrible anxiety about feeling alone and worthless. But that just takes away precious time I could be spending on a model or on a paper.
This is my schedule. Every day. And I need to change it.
Someone told me that sometimes, people have to do things they don't want to, even if it makes them unhappy. I hate this idea. I hate it with a bloody passion. That this idea is constantly perpetuated, and I've watched my family basically crumble over the years because of THIS EXACT REASON, makes me burn with frustration at hearing it AGAIN. So fuck it.
I'm probably going to quit my job. I hate it already, I hate working fast food and I hate the way I feel after I work there. I'm already looking into internships, nothing seems promising but whatever. If I don't find something soon I'm just going to take the time I get off from work to build up my portfolio. I'll at least feel successful and accomplished instead of feeling like I just wasted the past 6-7 hours.
I just recently found out how cheap hormones are. I was told they would cost me around 200+ a month, but apparently I can get them as cheap as 50$ a month or a little more and have my insurance cover it. Laser is more expensive, but If I can at least be on hormones, I'd be happy.
I don't know how to deal with my ADHD. I know some people say it's not real and it's a cop out, but I think I do have it because nothing explains it otherwise. I can't concentrate on anything for very long (unless I smoke) and that includes fun things like video games. It's like I'm a hyper puppy that can't turn off sometimes. Don't suggest meds, because I know and have field tested every ADHD drug on the market and my body rejects them through severe side effects. However, I'm getting better at getting away from distractions, so that's a step up in my book.
I'm not gunna stop smoking weed. Why? it keeps me mellow and works for my short-term stress while I get over hoops. I just need to wait a little longer at night before I smoke so I can get more work done.
If all goes well I'll be able to draw more, be more active here and actually get artwork I want done, done.
Sorry for the wall of text, if you actually read all that, congrats. This isn't really posted for you guys though, I'm just letting off steam.
But I suppose it's only proper I acknowledge those who give that smile back to me, and I bet you know whom I'm talking about. <3
Thank you for the words dear, I always appreciate them.
But I just shoot things with my nerf gun... or.. a real gun if I can get my hands on one.
how much would hormones be without insurance, if you know?
First and foremost though, you're a student and you need to make sure you're doing whatever you need to do to succeed in your chosen degree. If that means quitting your job and using the extra time for studying, homework and free time then by all means do what you have to do.
I know we're on the border of the wilderness but Kiffy and I have been considering looking for another roommate to live with us. I changed jobs and cut back to part time so we kind of need the extra help with the bills. Probably too far from school and work for you but just in case...
Also, by the title of this journal, I totally expected a Mr. Saturn reference. :P
It's good to know you've got a plan to resolve this. I can understand the short attention span thing too, i try to keep myself focused by a strict daily to-do list, but even then I'll just sit around all day fiddling with things at times. Makes sense that getting high would help you in focusing since from what I understand it kind of slows down the world for you which would it easier to keep your thoughts on track with one single task.
Getting sir'd really sucks, Even living in a new area I keep getting "ma'am, i mean sir" where I have to always inform people they had it right the first time, and even though they apologize, it still makes you feel ugly and misshapen when the mere shape of your facial features seems to deter people from perceiving everything else about you, both visually and socially. :/ And yeah, I'm still trying to work on a name change, but I hear hormones can be as little as 100 a month.
oh and by the way, hun, err...about that dress, i just got too freaked out and ended up putting it with a clothing donation bin. I was uncomfortable enough with my parents as is, and I was just terrified of them spotting it and getting even more misconceptions abut everything. So I just quickly did something to disassociate it from my person altogether.
People who think ADHD is fake don't suffer from it themselves, so they find it hard to put into perspective. My dad is the same way. He thinks I take medicine because the drug companies have me hooked.
Working fast food is where a lot of your stress perpetuates from. The hours vs. pay. Being treated like you're practically worthless. Customers don't look at you much more than a human slave here to serve them on hand and foot.
You need a change of scenery.
*hugs* If you ever need to smoke and simply discuss things, I'm here :D
journal should be replaced soon since I completely forgot I wrote it awhile ago, but thank you so much for commenting and trying to help. I never meant to have
this journal up for so long. :)