There is a creeping darkness within me... one that swirls and confounds. I believe it is Vex... but it feels... different. This is not the malicious creature I know. Instead, it makes me see the past... makes me remember what I've seen and where I have been. In this late hour, and with other late hours before it (Though never consistently), I find myself low... miserable. Perhaps it comes from having had the high of hearing about my new laptop finally being on it's way... maybe this is part of my bi-polarism coming out? Hmmm... and then it makes me wonder... if I should avoid major happiness in an attempt to avoid major pain... but that goes further... I expand upon it... Were I to do that, it would leave me with little more than a feeling of mediocre... satisfactory. Not good. Not great. But not horrible or miserable either. So then I wonder... is this why I always feel so-so? Is it because, sub-consciously, I'm staving off the extremity emotions of depression and profound joy...? Ah, but that causes a shiver of it's own... a virulent ripple of unpleasantness... because that treads on the area of... what about love? Is it safe to love...? Knowing or thinking that maybe it will turn around on me? That, just maybe, love will backlash? Then I look at those past relationships again... and it seems that was always the way for me... something good, wonderful, and pure... and it explodes suddenly... sometimes without warning... others seeming o be slow-mixing, or slow to ignite. I fear I may be my own enemy... and, what's worse... is that I derive a masochistic joy from listening to songs that bum me out.

Hmmm... you know... not all of this was on my mind when I started writing... rather than deep, my aim was originally geared toward moping out this feeling... now? Now I know not where I stand emotionally. Why must the voices and actions of the past echo through my brain? I feel it is unfair that I should be so vexed... HA! Maybe it is him after all, mm? So much to consider... and the night offers me such odd... clarity? Delusion, perhaps? Hard to say... I FEEL like I'm more in-tune with myself, but... that could just be the mood talking...

I know there are those who would help me if they knew I was feeling this way... I... don't know how many would speak up on it... you know... the net and all... I mean... my journals seem to go widely un-noticed. Not all, of course... but... most do... and others get only a few comments on them. And that's fine... I am no big name, after all. No such need for any popularity... this Leo, however, seems to have lost their place in the sun... and it makes me wonder... just how long ago that happened, exactly... Lots happened in this kitty's life, I guess... a shame so much of it is bad, really... but hey... that means better down the line, mm? So I guess I just play the waiting game a bit longer... see where life's roads take me, I imagine. To those of you who have read this, by the way, I thank you for bearing with me in this time of... discontent, perhaps? Malady? Hmmm... those words seem close... yet still somehow fall short. I know this will all likely pass by morning... I shall likely wake to my little one as I usually do... begin the day... and see where it takes me, I suppose... but... for now... and likely as I drift off to sleep here shortly... there is such... malevolence... within me... Not like... destructive malevolence... well... not outwardly destructive, at any rate... I just... wish it didn't have to be this way. I have faith that... one day it will change... I just hope that I let myself see the changing of the times... rather than... whatever all this is...

*Sighs* Once again... thanks for hanging in there, all... I feel... marginally better, anyways... back to that so-so-ish point... with a bitter aftertaste of the bad... but again... time heals all wounds, mm? Be well, everyone... I hope to speak to you all with a finer presence of mind.