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A never ending cycle.
13 years ago
The following journal is emotionally loaded, and if you don't like downer stuff, just ignore it. I normally don't like to do journals like this, but I feel its necessary that a certain someone close to me understands, and everyone else give me a bit of leniency
My life is just a cycle of very few highs and nearly endless valleys of lows. Family members who don't understand. Misfortunes around every corner. And me and my love caught in between. I can't seem to have anything in this life without something just crumbling all over me.
For endless bounds of time, I find myself in bottomless pits of despair, while still trying to pull together a facade to maintain what very little sociability I have left. I am judged. I am confronted. I am spoken against. I have no opinion whatsoever, regardless. In the end, I just end up back in the valley despite any efforts I make to do so.
I admit, I have my emotions jump ahead of me sometimes, and words come out that are deeply suppressed under attempts to smile. I am not perfect, nor do I wish to be held up to a standard that wishes me to be so. I especially will not hold up to a standard that others hold up for me because they believe it is what is best for me. I am not what others want me to be, and I refuse to be if they will impose values that I see no reason to believe unless I have learned on my own. In such case, I would see for my own eyes what is indeed good for me, but only when its necessary, would I change my opinions.
If I don't connect now, people can't expect me to connect by prodding me with their beliefs and opinions, when in the end, all they want is their own thing. I am selfish, but so is every other sentient being. That is the nature of all people and living organism: we may work together to obtain a greater goal, but we're still going after a goal for our own reasons, using our own means.
Its hard to balance a life between work and self fulfillment. Its harder to balance a life between what others want, what I want, and what I need.
In the end, everything I struggle for is for naught, despite what people wish to believe, and until I actually find freedom from this never ending cycle, I will never be a freed bird, or I should say, freed dogfox from the cage of expectations of even life itself.
My life is just a cycle of very few highs and nearly endless valleys of lows. Family members who don't understand. Misfortunes around every corner. And me and my love caught in between. I can't seem to have anything in this life without something just crumbling all over me.
For endless bounds of time, I find myself in bottomless pits of despair, while still trying to pull together a facade to maintain what very little sociability I have left. I am judged. I am confronted. I am spoken against. I have no opinion whatsoever, regardless. In the end, I just end up back in the valley despite any efforts I make to do so.
I admit, I have my emotions jump ahead of me sometimes, and words come out that are deeply suppressed under attempts to smile. I am not perfect, nor do I wish to be held up to a standard that wishes me to be so. I especially will not hold up to a standard that others hold up for me because they believe it is what is best for me. I am not what others want me to be, and I refuse to be if they will impose values that I see no reason to believe unless I have learned on my own. In such case, I would see for my own eyes what is indeed good for me, but only when its necessary, would I change my opinions.
If I don't connect now, people can't expect me to connect by prodding me with their beliefs and opinions, when in the end, all they want is their own thing. I am selfish, but so is every other sentient being. That is the nature of all people and living organism: we may work together to obtain a greater goal, but we're still going after a goal for our own reasons, using our own means.
Its hard to balance a life between work and self fulfillment. Its harder to balance a life between what others want, what I want, and what I need.
In the end, everything I struggle for is for naught, despite what people wish to believe, and until I actually find freedom from this never ending cycle, I will never be a freed bird, or I should say, freed dogfox from the cage of expectations of even life itself.
All I can say is screw what others think. You do what's best for you. Make it clear that they can offer their opinions if they have facts to back them up but you won't tollerate them shoving their views/opinions/beliefs down your throat.
You'll find your stone skin someday. Even then you will have days when it does little good.
I can offer a shoulder to lean on if you need to talk. I only have Yim as an IM client but otherwise Here is it.
Good luck! Try to find what happiness you can and hang on to it. Sometimes it's all that will get you through the darkest of days.