It's been a long weekend...

My birthday was monday. My gift from my ex got here thursday. Guess he sent me back the tags I made for us over 4 years ago. I didn't really know how to take that. So I asked him a bunch of personal questions about what I meant to him and junk to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. Turns out he just blows up and shuts me down. My fault for being stupid...

I've spent the last year and a half hinging everything I do on how my ex will react to it. I've given him attention, I've picked hanging with him over prior plans. I've even shelved a ton of people that wanted to date me that maybe could've made the break up a thousand times easier on me. I could've moved in with my best friends but instead I chose to land myself in Bakersfield on the off chance that my ex would be the one to ask me not to go. Just about everyone BUT my ex asked me not to go :/.

The last 6 months have been so hard. I've missed everyone: my friends, my job, my ex and his family. I tried so hard to get up to see everyone for con, and when I couldn't, it was my ex that offered to help me pay for a plane ticket to visit. He actually acted like he was trying to be nice to me and made me feel like he actually wanted me for something...

Then it turns out he's been dating and shit and doesn't want anything to do with me...I feel played :/

But what else is new...

Today, I have to drag myself out of bed and start packing boxes. He doesn't want me? Then I have to do everything in my power to convince myself that I don't want him. If I have to constantly chant to myself that he doesnt give two fucks and teaching myself to hate his existence is the only way to move on, then that's what I have to do I guess...

It's been over a year and a half...I haven't even really been living. I can't sit here in limbo for the rest of my life blowing things off while I wait for someone that doesn't even want me around. And it hurts so bad...so much reminds me of him...The blanket I sleep in was the one we used to sleep in, the throw at the foot of my bed was the first valentines day present he ever got me...my winter jacket was my christmas present two years ago cuz its a carhart like his, I don't even like contact jugling anymore. He bought me my first acrylic and even though I dropped it once, since then I've taken super good care of it. I still sleep in the hoodie he gave me, and have the shirt and shorts he used to let me sleep in.
The journal he got me when we got back together the first time after the break up is still in the drawer of my night stand and in it is all our pictures, the receipts from our first date and the stubs to that first visit up to see him. I only wrote one entry in the journal, I intended to pick it back up if we ever got together.

I still carry his picture in my wallet.

Today I have to figure out how to put it all away. I can't keep hanging on like this because it's emotionally wearing. So many people have been trying to tell me that this whole time and I keep throwing down reasoning and make up excuses for my ex's behavior. But I'm tired...and he doesn't want me anyways.


Sadly I won't be visiting my friends in WA for a while. I'm having my parents pull my plane ticket and will instead use the money elsewhere. The timing isn't good to be up there right now.

There's this guy that really like me down here that I keep trying to friend zone because I don't feel ready for a relationship. I'm still not ready for a relationship, and he gets that, but my ex has supposedly been dating this whole time, whereas everytime someone has tried getting into anything with me, I freeze up a couple weeks or so into it start distancing myself. Maybe I should stop it and see where this one goes. :/

I still can't hate him. I still can't see me hating him. Even after this weekend I still see myself giving him a million more chances to fuck up if he really wanted to. But I can't do this anymore. He doesn't want me, he doesn't care about me and I'm not even on his mind anymore. However true any of that is, it's what I have to keep telling myself.

I'm done :/