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Depression sucks
13 years ago
Maybe it's a whine, maybe it's a rant, I don't know.
Two years ago, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. It was severe, and required medication, plus months worth of therapy, to bring me back to stability. I started refusing the meds, and my parents stopped taking me to therapy. For a year, I struggled to face it on my own.
Back in February, I found my shining knight. Faelan Ruri, my now fiance. He gave me reasons to smile, reasons to go on. My depression regressed into occasional episodes that I could diffuse on my own. It's returned, in full force.
It hate it, I honestly do. I have a solid job that pays my expenses, I have a future in EMS, and I have someone who I love so dearly. I work hard, I volunteer, and I'll soon have my driver's license. For the circumstances, my life couldn't be better. Yet, I have to struggle to concentrate through constant storms of self-loathing and suicidal desires. I force myself to eat because I have next to no appetite, and I smile and laugh just so that people don't worry about me.
There's a war in my head, that keeps being fought every waking moment. Hell, even every sleeping moment...I haven't had a proper night's sleep since it returned, and I have trouble getting out of bed daily. I'm considering seeing a doctor again...but they'll just want me back on the medications, and I won't go back down that path.
Don't really know why I'm putting this up, maybe I just needed to vent it out somewhere. Maybe I want people who don't have depression to know a bit better what it's like. All I know is that it's just another storm to weather...my brain versus my heart.
Two years ago, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. It was severe, and required medication, plus months worth of therapy, to bring me back to stability. I started refusing the meds, and my parents stopped taking me to therapy. For a year, I struggled to face it on my own.
Back in February, I found my shining knight. Faelan Ruri, my now fiance. He gave me reasons to smile, reasons to go on. My depression regressed into occasional episodes that I could diffuse on my own. It's returned, in full force.
It hate it, I honestly do. I have a solid job that pays my expenses, I have a future in EMS, and I have someone who I love so dearly. I work hard, I volunteer, and I'll soon have my driver's license. For the circumstances, my life couldn't be better. Yet, I have to struggle to concentrate through constant storms of self-loathing and suicidal desires. I force myself to eat because I have next to no appetite, and I smile and laugh just so that people don't worry about me.
There's a war in my head, that keeps being fought every waking moment. Hell, even every sleeping moment...I haven't had a proper night's sleep since it returned, and I have trouble getting out of bed daily. I'm considering seeing a doctor again...but they'll just want me back on the medications, and I won't go back down that path.
Don't really know why I'm putting this up, maybe I just needed to vent it out somewhere. Maybe I want people who don't have depression to know a bit better what it's like. All I know is that it's just another storm to weather...my brain versus my heart.
I always reply to notes at least daily, if I can be of any help. *offers hugs*
I really hope you get better, hun. ;v; (I can relate to the not being able to eat thing; I've lost my appetite and I'm very scared of becoming anorexic again..)