Listen man, I know where you're coming from. You're at that point in your life where you're still trying to find who you are and be content with it. It happens to everyone, especially with the openess of the internet where you can be whoever you are meant to be/want to be and be accepted. I won't lie and say I know what's what's going on in your head, but you're not alone on these matters. Ultimately, you should decide on what makes you happy, what makes you able to look in the mirror and smile because you know who you are.

As for the 21st of December, every second you spend worrying about it leaves less time for you to spend with the people you care about. If something does happy, do you want to leave any loose threads before your time comes? Don't have any regrets brudda and whatever may comes that day, at least those who love you will know you care about them.

If you need a friend, I'm on Skype just about everyday.

ziromnue-almega

I wish you well man, take care.

I know, that tieing loose ends is important but that.. I can't do because one person I di love already knows and every one else is...well, unimprortant for the fact I've never even truly known anyone yet, as for myself, I look at myself like I can't tell if I'm a good or bad person...morally. everyday I don't look at another person as loving unless I begin to know them or know them emotionally.
as soon as I agree with someone they turn on me, as soon as I retur the favor I don't feel right. a human life could be worthless to me until its to late and taken it's tole like I'm a nearly emotionless animal that want's love and blood at the same time. then in the end I feel cheated because I can't understand myself.
I bet I don't even make sense right now

To think that a person is defined good or bad by who they love, rather than how they act.

You're not a thief, you're not a murderer, you're not a rapist, you don't cause other people to suffer because of your actions, only you do. You're no different than anyone else, at heart we all have needs. We need conflict, we need love, we happiness and we need suffering. It's all a part of the human experience.

It's like this brudda, what do YOU want in your life? What do you want out of this human experience? You have the mind of a female within the body of a man. Do you think that's wrong because of how you look on the outside, or because you are afraid of others judgement of you for thinking like that?

If they can't accept you for who you are, for who you feel you are on the inside, then they don't matter.
Love is unconditional, it shouldn't need to meet a certain standard. People should love you regardless of who you are, as idealistic as that sounds.

Pull yourself together, take a step back and ask yourself "What makes me happy?"
Regardless of how other people think or feel, ultimately it all comes down to one heart, your own.

it's just that I can't except me for me, I know thinking of what I would be happy with should be first but I just feel lost with it. and with my actions, its not what I do. its what I know I can, I know what I could do, if I wanted I could make everyone I know hurt, its that, that bothers me I fel my only set of reason is either making pain, taking it, or love. and it's the weaker. I just can't fully trust myself to not do something stupid

Look. I've read all you've had to say. The journal and the comments, and my conclusion? We're only human.

It's normal to feel this at this age. I don't know what the future may hold and I really wish I had all the answers.

Nothing will happen December 21st. Trust me. That date marks the end of the third count on the Mayan calender and the beginning of a spiritual awakening. There was never anything about "doomsday".

You can't decide whether you're a good person or not? Well, there is no such thing as a good person or a bad person. There's only you and your choices. You will ALWAYS have a choice to hurt someone, but you also have a choice not to. It's completely up to you how you live out your life, but even if there's no good people, you're a good person. I know you are.

Betrayel and revenge? That too is normal. Yes, you feel bad afterwards, but I have done this before. I have sought revenge in the past, but does that make me a bad person? No, and it doesn't make you a bad person either.

I once thought I was only made for causing pain, taking pain, and never being able to love, but that's not true. I met you.

If you feel like a female, it won't matter to me and it shouldn't matter to anyone. In my culture, you would be "two-spirited". It means you have the spirit of a man and a woman, and that is very sacred and respected. It means you have a duality within you and it will allow you to understand the world better.

Hm, where does this leave us? If you're feeling this, there is a reason. Can you note me?

Well, I guess everyone said it all. However, I'd like to add some things:

- You don't need forgiveness to be yourself. "Good" and "evil" are relative, and it differs a lot from people's POVs.

- Un or fortunately, there's no right or wrong choices in the Journey of Life. They're simply choices, and what you did in the past was the best decision at the time. Even if you could go back in time and try to fix that, you wouldn't act differently.

- Good and bad things happen to everyone, so, you're not alone. Also, the problem is not in the situations, but how we lead with them. We have the ability to make them a big deal, but also small.

- My definition of "sanity" is to be true to yourself, be who you are without any fear or shame whatsoever. If someone doesn't like you and/or labels you, it's their problem, not yours.

Hope these words be useful to you.