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12 years ago
You're not supposed to question why you're going out to have a good time, because then you just won't be having a good time.
It seems that every time I speak out, I make things worse. But keeping it inside is just as bad.
Once again my mind is riddled with so many thoughts. I can't write them down because it breaks the thought process apart. I can't talk about it because I need to re-think what I want to say. I wish people were just able to read my mind. I feel so messed up, like I'm some stupid child, and yet I feel like what I'm thinking is all true.
I need to give it a shot.
A few days ago, I went out to a bar, and just recently to a restaurant with my friends. Something I never did, and really, never even thought about doing. And what's the first thought that comes to my mind?
"Why are you trying to be someone you're not?"
I don't like the way I am. I hate being anti-social, shy, outspoken. I wish I could do something about it, but I already tried. I can't do it. I'm socially awkward no matter what I do and I'm too insecure. I try to be friendly to say the least, but that doesn't mean much when I feel like others are too afraid to approach me. I mentioned before that I try to cheer myself up, that I constantly have two sides of me fighting. Where I work, I have customers praise me for being friendly, many of them give me tips, and one even went as far as giving me that gift card to go to that Longhorn Steakhouse with my friends. My boss even said I'm just sensitive is all. With all this, I can say I'm not some creepy, anti-social idiot... because I'm not. It's not that I'm afraid of people, I'm just afraid of myself.
But suddenly, trying to be someone I'm not, wasn't the main problem anymore. After I had just solved it, another thought came to me:
"You're not enjoying yourself when you're only trying to forget about something."
And then the negative side took complete control.
That's true. Don't people go out and have fun to forget their troubles? Does that really work? Not for me. What's the point in doing anything if the only reason why you're doing it in the first place is to forget? You aren't forgetting anything at that point because you remind yourself during your "stress relieving" task that this was the whole purpose of doing it.
You're not supposed to question why you're going out to have a good time, because then you just won't be having a good time.
You're not supposed to have a reason why you're going out to have a good time, because then you just won't be having a good time. You go out to have fun because you want to, if you have nothing better to do, or if you're bored.
Of course, that's just me... I just can't let go of things. Not everyone thinks like I do. Not everyone is negative like I am. Everyone else can bounce back and get over their problems and move on. I can't.
I know I'm being stupid so why don't I stop? I lie to myself:
"It's because you like the attention."
"It's because you enjoy being distressed."
"It's because you want to be abused by someone."
It got so bad to where I wasn't just asking 'why don't I just stop', but stop being in general.
Then my thoughts began to go deeper. Would I suicide? No. Absolutely not. I'm sane enough to know that death isn't the answer and only cowards take that way. But, would I be okay in simply dying?
Before, no. I used to be afraid of dying. But I began to feel that if someone were in trouble, I would carelessly do something about it even if it meant my life ending. But isn't that the same as suicide? That I came up with a scenario in my head, where it was either me or someone else, and I'd choose to be the one go?
I think about these things because I feel worthless, and never really thought about getting far in life. But there are people who care about me. Throwing my life away means I don't care about anyone else. That our friendships didn't mean anything to me.
It all makes sense when it's too late. After this journal I'm labeled as some emo-fag, and should honestly just be ignored and forgotten. I can't take it back though, after all, I've always felt this way deep inside. I needed to write this down however, and I felt like I did a good job. Hopefully, just hopefully, I can look back at this and laugh at how stupid I was.
That side of me is saying shit again, like this is only normal, and anyone can go through something like this... it's true though. If not, then it's comforting to think so.
It's going to take some more time, I'm sure. I'm really sorry for being childish about this whole thing. Amazing how something so small could lead to so many thoughts. But it was a big deal to me though. I only said it was small because I felt like others would, and should, have handled it better than I did. But I understand now. I'm sure we only want to see each other happy, and I haven't been keeping up on my end. Hope to see you again.
***It could have been left unsaid. After just writing this journal I felt a bit better and I could have left it at that and not have posted it. I didn't know if that was wrong or right, but I decided on manning up and posting it in the end. Maybe I think of it as punishment, or maybe I just want to be heard. I'm still a little confused, but I just want this to be for the best.***
It seems that every time I speak out, I make things worse. But keeping it inside is just as bad.
Once again my mind is riddled with so many thoughts. I can't write them down because it breaks the thought process apart. I can't talk about it because I need to re-think what I want to say. I wish people were just able to read my mind. I feel so messed up, like I'm some stupid child, and yet I feel like what I'm thinking is all true.
I need to give it a shot.
A few days ago, I went out to a bar, and just recently to a restaurant with my friends. Something I never did, and really, never even thought about doing. And what's the first thought that comes to my mind?
"Why are you trying to be someone you're not?"
I don't like the way I am. I hate being anti-social, shy, outspoken. I wish I could do something about it, but I already tried. I can't do it. I'm socially awkward no matter what I do and I'm too insecure. I try to be friendly to say the least, but that doesn't mean much when I feel like others are too afraid to approach me. I mentioned before that I try to cheer myself up, that I constantly have two sides of me fighting. Where I work, I have customers praise me for being friendly, many of them give me tips, and one even went as far as giving me that gift card to go to that Longhorn Steakhouse with my friends. My boss even said I'm just sensitive is all. With all this, I can say I'm not some creepy, anti-social idiot... because I'm not. It's not that I'm afraid of people, I'm just afraid of myself.
But suddenly, trying to be someone I'm not, wasn't the main problem anymore. After I had just solved it, another thought came to me:
"You're not enjoying yourself when you're only trying to forget about something."
And then the negative side took complete control.
That's true. Don't people go out and have fun to forget their troubles? Does that really work? Not for me. What's the point in doing anything if the only reason why you're doing it in the first place is to forget? You aren't forgetting anything at that point because you remind yourself during your "stress relieving" task that this was the whole purpose of doing it.
You're not supposed to question why you're going out to have a good time, because then you just won't be having a good time.
You're not supposed to have a reason why you're going out to have a good time, because then you just won't be having a good time. You go out to have fun because you want to, if you have nothing better to do, or if you're bored.
Of course, that's just me... I just can't let go of things. Not everyone thinks like I do. Not everyone is negative like I am. Everyone else can bounce back and get over their problems and move on. I can't.
I know I'm being stupid so why don't I stop? I lie to myself:
"It's because you like the attention."
"It's because you enjoy being distressed."
"It's because you want to be abused by someone."
It got so bad to where I wasn't just asking 'why don't I just stop', but stop being in general.
Then my thoughts began to go deeper. Would I suicide? No. Absolutely not. I'm sane enough to know that death isn't the answer and only cowards take that way. But, would I be okay in simply dying?
Before, no. I used to be afraid of dying. But I began to feel that if someone were in trouble, I would carelessly do something about it even if it meant my life ending. But isn't that the same as suicide? That I came up with a scenario in my head, where it was either me or someone else, and I'd choose to be the one go?
I think about these things because I feel worthless, and never really thought about getting far in life. But there are people who care about me. Throwing my life away means I don't care about anyone else. That our friendships didn't mean anything to me.
It all makes sense when it's too late. After this journal I'm labeled as some emo-fag, and should honestly just be ignored and forgotten. I can't take it back though, after all, I've always felt this way deep inside. I needed to write this down however, and I felt like I did a good job. Hopefully, just hopefully, I can look back at this and laugh at how stupid I was.
That side of me is saying shit again, like this is only normal, and anyone can go through something like this... it's true though. If not, then it's comforting to think so.
It's going to take some more time, I'm sure. I'm really sorry for being childish about this whole thing. Amazing how something so small could lead to so many thoughts. But it was a big deal to me though. I only said it was small because I felt like others would, and should, have handled it better than I did. But I understand now. I'm sure we only want to see each other happy, and I haven't been keeping up on my end. Hope to see you again.
***It could have been left unsaid. After just writing this journal I felt a bit better and I could have left it at that and not have posted it. I didn't know if that was wrong or right, but I decided on manning up and posting it in the end. Maybe I think of it as punishment, or maybe I just want to be heard. I'm still a little confused, but I just want this to be for the best.***
I don't really have advice for you, which stinks 'cause I've been thinking hard about what to say, haha.
I could tell you how I've come to terms with my introversion, but it sounds like you want to get rid of it entirely. Is that right?
Either way, I wouldn't regret posting this journal-- at the very least, I appreciate it, 'cause I got to learn more about you. Besides, it's totally something an outgoing person would do, so if that's what you're aiming for, then it's a start..!
As to having fun, it pretty much works like that with anything. "What's the point of playing that game where all you do is swing swords and see number?" "It's fun!"
I linger on my problems for longer than I probably should myself, but sometimes you have to remember to forget if that makes any sense. If you let it get to all the time, you're just going to hurt yourself
emotionally. After all, you can choose to be as happy or sad as you want, it all depends on what you decide your mindset to be. As to what you said about choosing yourself, that's called being selfless, and you
should think of yourself as being brave, compassionate, and honorable for it, not emo.
You certainly will look back at this and get a giggle I'm sure, hah. Sometimes our minds wander from the smallest thing and have the worst thoughts, because trust me when I say that I've gone through it myself.
I'm glad to hear you feel better after posting it, and I think it was good on you to do so, it's raw emotions without a lot of thought on how they may change, and that is quite brave of you.
I doubt you need my help after all this, but I'm always willing, my best wishes!