For me, this holiday season has been dominated by very discouraging news about my mom. She had her stroke in June. She survived, and initially steadily improved. But over the past few months her progress reversed, and has gone into decline. She no longer speaks, she never regained the ability to eat solid food, and barely communicates yes/no answers to questions. She is not expected to get better, and...it is most probable she will not be coming home again.

I'm still trying to digest what all this means - for me, for her, for home, for the future, everything. I've so hoped she could recover well enough to eventually come home, safe and well. I've wanted to be able to have ordinary conversations with her again. And I've also felt...like we've been cheated - she's only 64, and she could be fine if not for the stroke - it struck her so suddenly, like an accident. I'm 32, but also being autistic, I feel like in some ways I'm still a child, not entirely able to completely look after myself - so often I have gone to my mom for the practical answers. Now we've been trying to keep pressing forward without her everyday wisdom.

I miss my mom very much.

This year's holidays have felt so awry. On Thanksgiving, the family visited mom in the nursing home, and ate dinner at a restaurant. My mom loved Thanksgiving, and used to cook most of the meal, and in later years (with her reduced mobility) at least directed the process as the rest of the family cooperated to cook the meal. My dad spent the entire holiday sitting with her at the nursing home. And this Christmas, the family visited her again, and we all exchanged gifts on the 21st in the nursing home room, so that mom could witness it all - but this time she didn't speak a word, and it was very hard to tell whether if she was even conscious. Then on the 24th, here at home, my sister, dad and I exchanged a few straggling gifts we hadn't been able to share on the 21st. That was all over in less than 20 minutes. I appreciate the gifts, but I've been too emotionally numb to feel festive. For us at home, the 25th will probably be another ordinary day - and my dad will spend all of it sitting with my mom and keeping her company.

My mind boggles at it all, and I've been too numb to feel festive.