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Drowning
17 years ago
Music In My Head: "Behind Blue Eyes" by Limp Bizkit
It's not generally something I wish known by anyone at all, but I have some pretty freaky fetishes. What they are, I won't say. However, while they may provide a massive turn on at any one point in time, they also bring with them incredible guilt. I am ashamed of what I am due to them. I want to be free of them, mainly because I am trying to be a good Christian, and these odd interests pose something of a problem.
I thought I'd found the way to block them a year and a half ago. I came here, and to the furry community in general, and found many artists whom I was proud to call inspirations, even muses. After reading their journals, here and elsewhere, I became convinced that there were more important things to do with my time, and that if I could fight my urges, there would be some positive divine influence on their lives, and by extension, mine. For one year, it worked. I was clean. I was restrained. And I was happy, mostly because they were happy. Simply because I found these artists, I was able to suppress everything I now believed to be "bad" or "sinful". One year later, I find that nothing lasts.
Many of those that I have derived joy from watching have encountered unfortunate events in their lives. They have experienced breakups, unhappiness, depression, etc. In some cases, what happens breaks my heart too much for me to be around their sites or pages anymore. Many would just say "stuff happens", or "why should it matter to me". But this is what I am, and I can't escape it.
In trying to get over my pain, and find something that will give meaning to me again, many of the impulses I had thought repressed at the end of last year have returned, and I find myself at places I thought I'd never see again, and I find, to my disgust, that I missed them. Without any meaningful inspiration, my voice of suppression is getting weaker. I still cannot fully commit back to what I used to do though. My whole experience with this community's certain members has been almost religious, a way that God or whatever you want to believe in showed me a higher road. That sticks in many ways, and to throw that away seems sacrilege.
So here I am, stuck between the inspirations that broke my heart through no fault of their own, and interests that I am unwilling to commit to. I'm drowning in a storm between the two, and I can't surface. Nothing I try seems to produce any lasting results. I don't know what to do anymore. To anyone on heaven or earth listening: help.
It's not generally something I wish known by anyone at all, but I have some pretty freaky fetishes. What they are, I won't say. However, while they may provide a massive turn on at any one point in time, they also bring with them incredible guilt. I am ashamed of what I am due to them. I want to be free of them, mainly because I am trying to be a good Christian, and these odd interests pose something of a problem.
I thought I'd found the way to block them a year and a half ago. I came here, and to the furry community in general, and found many artists whom I was proud to call inspirations, even muses. After reading their journals, here and elsewhere, I became convinced that there were more important things to do with my time, and that if I could fight my urges, there would be some positive divine influence on their lives, and by extension, mine. For one year, it worked. I was clean. I was restrained. And I was happy, mostly because they were happy. Simply because I found these artists, I was able to suppress everything I now believed to be "bad" or "sinful". One year later, I find that nothing lasts.
Many of those that I have derived joy from watching have encountered unfortunate events in their lives. They have experienced breakups, unhappiness, depression, etc. In some cases, what happens breaks my heart too much for me to be around their sites or pages anymore. Many would just say "stuff happens", or "why should it matter to me". But this is what I am, and I can't escape it.
In trying to get over my pain, and find something that will give meaning to me again, many of the impulses I had thought repressed at the end of last year have returned, and I find myself at places I thought I'd never see again, and I find, to my disgust, that I missed them. Without any meaningful inspiration, my voice of suppression is getting weaker. I still cannot fully commit back to what I used to do though. My whole experience with this community's certain members has been almost religious, a way that God or whatever you want to believe in showed me a higher road. That sticks in many ways, and to throw that away seems sacrilege.
So here I am, stuck between the inspirations that broke my heart through no fault of their own, and interests that I am unwilling to commit to. I'm drowning in a storm between the two, and I can't surface. Nothing I try seems to produce any lasting results. I don't know what to do anymore. To anyone on heaven or earth listening: help.
As for feeling the pain of others, I too know how that feels. It caused me great depression for years, but I realized that worrying and feeling bad for others doesn't help anyone. I learned to do what I can to help and accept the things that I can do nothing about. The prayer of saint Francis is helpful there. I also learned to focus more on good things rather than to obsess on bad things. Everyone's life has ups and downs, but if you focus only on the downs, that drags you down further. Try to feel the ups too. Focus on the things that make you happy.
Here's the prayer of St. Francis in case you don't know it or don't know where to find it:
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change;
The strength to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Before you ask, no, I am not technically Christian. I was raised and confirmed Catholic, but have had a parting of the ways due to idealogical differences. So officially, I am agnostic, but I still believe in God, and though I am not sure if Jesus is God, I do think he was a great man with many wonderful ideas, and is well deserving of admiration and respect.
One of my big ideological differences is with what many Christian religions seem to promote indirectly: the idea that our lives should be lived in misery and shame. I have a hard time believing that God wants us to feel guilty all the time, I have a hard time believing that God wants us to feel bad for our shortcomings. The bible says that God made us and that He loves us. If He really loves us, then he wants us to be happy. In my opinion, what God really wants us to do is:
1) Live responsibly, so that we do not inadvertently or carelessly hurt ourselves or others.
2) To respect each other and treat others the way that we would want them to treat us. (This is from the New Testament and a paraphrase of Jesus' words)
3) To try to make the world a better place for everyone.
I feel that as long as you live up to those, the rest are just guidelines. Obviously, the Ten Commandments are part and parcel of respecting each other and treating others the way you would want to be treated, but the rest of what the Church teaches, I feel are just guidelines to help you live responsibly. As long as you live your life respecting others and working toward the improvement of His world, then I don't think God is hurt by minor infractions like "fetishes", provided said fetishes don't harm others.
Think about it, prey about it. One way or the other, God will help you find your way.