New year's eve.
The day to look back at the year behind you and reflect on what you've learned to try t make the year ahead better and more livable. This year was definitely different than the others.

i tried many things within the past years to ease my pain, but I found out this year that I only need good friends to help me with that. Two of the closest friends I have for that help I never could have met without the help of an ex who remains close to me to this day. If he hadn't pressured me into trying out being a public furry and head to a meet (Which happened to be ihop shortly before it changed to waffle house) and be social with them, I never would have on my own. It was there that I fell head over heels in love with a man who doesn't seem to see me some of the time.

But before Prime came Toby. He was the first almost stranger I told my painful story to and felt I could trust, but as time went on between us, I found that wasn't the case. He hid his nature very well in public, but privately, he flaunted it. Toby is the kind of guy who absolutely needs to be in power. Needs to have control of something or someone. If someone says he's wrong he gets pissed and says he's right; end of story. If one proves they're right, not him, he gets even more pissed. Sometimes if both parties involved are angry and shouting, he'll have a shouting contest with them....sigh.

I felt a lot of connection with Prime when I first met him. I told him my story a few months after I told Toby, and he felt empathy for me. Prime went though a lot of pain in his rather young life and I wanted to be there for him to either prevent or help through any future pain. Granted, he accepted me into his life, but I reach a level in our relationship where mate was no longer achievable. I still have a little bit of hope...but not enough to keep me single. I love him very dearly, though his love for me has changed since we first met. To put our long story short, "He needs me and I can't live without him." Which his so very true...

There were many who left my life this year that i considered friends as one point. And even one who refuses to leave. One I should have gotten rid of, but my kind nature has kept me from doing any intentional harm. Though I've done plenty unintentional harm to him, he refuses to see it that way. Our viewpoints are fairly different, but despite that, we've clung to the little connection we had to begin with and tried to keep a friendship going over it, but that hasn't quite turned out well. In fact, by doing that, more arguments have sprung up.

Everyone I know has had more than their fair share of pain and heartache, and I don't like seeing that. I want to help make sure they don't feel that way. Pain can be unbearable sometimes, and even created a problem in me, which is a struggle to keep a hold over half the time. But if I lose control, it's only me who can bring me back. Prime helps a little because he's given me part of his energy. Being an energy eater, his rather special golden energy works wonders when I need it to. It also helps sort of detect his moods too. ._.;

One person in particular has seen more than any human can handle and I admit I've caused him grief in this past year, but I have stuck around to fix it in one way or another. He will be my best mate for a long time, because I've known him my whole life. But...he's seen so much death that he craves affection much more than me. He needs someone there...and though I've no longer been given that obligation, I will still be there for him. I do love and care for him, as I've always done. Just because we're no longer together, doesn't mean I can't act like an idiot to cheer him up. ^-^

~ After this look back at this year...I've taken the liberty of making a new years resolution. Yes, one of the major ones is to lose weight, but this one is a bit different.

Be a better me.

To do that I must not let my own problems take a hold if I wish to help the ones I care about. I need to learn that jealousy is healthy and I shouldn't let it bother me if the man who causes it needs me, but doesn't want me. Everyone has a right to live their lives as they wish to live it, but if they want to live it with others, they need to respect the other's wishes and opinions instead of thrusting their own upon them.

Happy New Year, everyone. I love you all. ♥