I have this urge to apollogize. If anyone does not wishes to read anything on the verge of a "depression rant" please stop reading and delete this journal from your list.....but...i just need to post this somewhere.....and here is pretty much the only place where like....one reader will take notice.....*takes a deep breath* ok...here goes...

i want to apologize to a lot of people...but cannot choose specific people. A lot of you know, I put together videos with music and furry art in hopes that the right person who needs to see it does and is able to find strength to pull themselves from haunting thoughts. Lately, I have found that I myself have fallen into a cyclone of self doubt and fears. So many things have gone on lately in my life that....have begun to weigh me down greatly. My mother recently has gotten out of the hospital after being very i. She refused to even go until my sister stepped in and forced her. I tried my best over the phone to convince her (please note, my mother lives in Texas....I live in Pennsylvania) but she didnt go until forced. She had pnemonia, and at times through the week she was there, she sounded so weak, i began to fear she was about to pass, luckily she pulled through it (also i must add....she is 62 going on 63....and is a smoker....bad combination). But my fear still lingers, i am not ready to lose my only other parent, real, biological parent at the age of 25.....if i do....which i fear is sti soon....i am gonna lose it for a while.

The other thing that has been getting to me....are my emotions of Love and Hate. I found i am having both of these for a single person. I hate that I feel not only have i lost someone as a friend and did my best to help them, but someone I use to call my mate. I am beginning to wonder....if the problem has been me the entire time, like....what if i should just stfu and live alone. When i try to be with someone, i end up hurt of damaged from it. Am i destined for this?......I believe strongly in the Chaos Theory, of Light and Darkness and how the two must live in order for both to survive. Should i just live with, and choose to remain in darkness while trying to help others be happy? I mean...there are a few that would seem wonderful, but i am scared. What if what they see, is not what they expected, or a flaw of mine scares them off forever. What if we never get the chance to be together...and my hopes crash into doubt and fear once more....
I am sorry once again....for ranting like this....I just.....do not know what to do anymore.....and do not want to live in confusion forever.....or much longer