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Memories
12 years ago
"Memory is the key..." ~Epsilon (Red vs. Blue)
I am no longer worried or saddened or affected. I am merely intrigued by
the events that transpired through the year between October 27th 2012
and December 27th (I believe?) 2012. I had believed myself to be infatuated
with someone that is now beyond that affection. What intrigues me is not
the fact that I was enthralled by such a "Human" emotion, seeing as I do
not consider myself "Human" at all. Nor is the fact that I spent so much time
struggling to hold on when so obviously this female wished for me to let
go. No, reader. I am intrigued by the fact that memories of this year
between October 27th and December 27th 2012 continue to... I use the
term "haunt" lightly.
Each time one of these memories arises, I am usually listening to a song,
perceiving a thing (such as a drawing or book or other item), or thinking
hard on various aspects of my situation at the given time. All of a sudden,
this memory will appear in my head. It appears as vivid and alive as the
very moment I experienced said memory. Then, as suddenly as it had
appeared, the memory fades. When it fades, it leaves me with a sense
of sadness, longing, or (rarely) happiness and love.
This intrigues me for many reasons, namely: I believe I am still in "love"
with this female, regardless of how she feels about me. Do I feel residual
feelings? Perhaps it is a regression to a state of mind in which I was, for
once, truly happy to be alive. That does not feel like an adequate explanation.
Is it because I am likened to that of a lost puppy without such an "emotion"
(if I may call "love" such a thing, seeing as it is a poison)? There are many
hypotheses of why I am still thinking of this female.
One thing, however, is for sure: Memories trigger these residual feelings.
And only when they appear to me randomly and not when I force myself
to remember. This will require more study and experimentation, but I believe
myself to be still under the effects of the poison called "love."
I am no longer worried or saddened or affected. I am merely intrigued by
the events that transpired through the year between October 27th 2012
and December 27th (I believe?) 2012. I had believed myself to be infatuated
with someone that is now beyond that affection. What intrigues me is not
the fact that I was enthralled by such a "Human" emotion, seeing as I do
not consider myself "Human" at all. Nor is the fact that I spent so much time
struggling to hold on when so obviously this female wished for me to let
go. No, reader. I am intrigued by the fact that memories of this year
between October 27th and December 27th 2012 continue to... I use the
term "haunt" lightly.
Each time one of these memories arises, I am usually listening to a song,
perceiving a thing (such as a drawing or book or other item), or thinking
hard on various aspects of my situation at the given time. All of a sudden,
this memory will appear in my head. It appears as vivid and alive as the
very moment I experienced said memory. Then, as suddenly as it had
appeared, the memory fades. When it fades, it leaves me with a sense
of sadness, longing, or (rarely) happiness and love.
This intrigues me for many reasons, namely: I believe I am still in "love"
with this female, regardless of how she feels about me. Do I feel residual
feelings? Perhaps it is a regression to a state of mind in which I was, for
once, truly happy to be alive. That does not feel like an adequate explanation.
Is it because I am likened to that of a lost puppy without such an "emotion"
(if I may call "love" such a thing, seeing as it is a poison)? There are many
hypotheses of why I am still thinking of this female.
One thing, however, is for sure: Memories trigger these residual feelings.
And only when they appear to me randomly and not when I force myself
to remember. This will require more study and experimentation, but I believe
myself to be still under the effects of the poison called "love."
