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Maybe it's just me...(another self pity journal rant)
13 years ago
General
But I feel I'm losing contact with some of you. Is it perhaps I don't speak up? Talk enough? Blog enough? There are days that don't even try to communicate with anyone only because I'm wallowing in my self doubt. Everyone's closer to my friends that I feel are my friends, too so why can't we all be friends on the same level? Is there something I'm missing...oh, wait...communication, it's a two way street. >.>
Some of y'all I haven't even met in person. I don't want to leave a bad impression on anyone. I know I can't please everyone. It's not even possible. I just don't want to be labeled as: lazy, a user, ungrateful, unappreciative, an attention whore, or worthless.
I really don't like to comment on anything unless I have a few insights to give. Most of the time when I read a journal/blog I can't think of a word to say. I blank out. Or maybe it is because I'm afraid to speak my mind and don't want to see the repercussions. Instead, I stay quiet. I don't know, really; a mental block or something.
I also feel like I don't help out enough. I can be supportive but for me it's not enough. I know I can do more than that but the lack of motivation I have (in anything I do, really) is disturbing. If someone asks I always available to help out in anyway I can.
One of these months I'll make a daily entry for the entirety of said month to see if there any changes of my attitude, thoughts, or personal feelings. Of course there will be bitching along with this about other things. Maybe even some reviews of entertainment.
I hate being depressed... and always ranting about my problems.
Some of y'all I haven't even met in person. I don't want to leave a bad impression on anyone. I know I can't please everyone. It's not even possible. I just don't want to be labeled as: lazy, a user, ungrateful, unappreciative, an attention whore, or worthless.
I really don't like to comment on anything unless I have a few insights to give. Most of the time when I read a journal/blog I can't think of a word to say. I blank out. Or maybe it is because I'm afraid to speak my mind and don't want to see the repercussions. Instead, I stay quiet. I don't know, really; a mental block or something.
I also feel like I don't help out enough. I can be supportive but for me it's not enough. I know I can do more than that but the lack of motivation I have (in anything I do, really) is disturbing. If someone asks I always available to help out in anyway I can.
One of these months I'll make a daily entry for the entirety of said month to see if there any changes of my attitude, thoughts, or personal feelings. Of course there will be bitching along with this about other things. Maybe even some reviews of entertainment.
I hate being depressed... and always ranting about my problems.
I wonder if you're feeling disconnected in general...
I know this much, don't be afraid to speak your mind. [says the girl who hates confrontations ^^] seriously though, don't be afraid to. And don't be afraid to talk about things, nor feel ashamed of it either.
You bottle up way too much as it is.
I've been falling asleep at 8pm on most nights cause I'm just not into anything. Go to work in the morning then come back home around 3 and the cycle of loneliness and abandonment continues.
I can speak my mind at times on certain subjects but when it comes to elaborating on the topic, I can't. My brain farts. I'm not as sharp as I thought I once was.
I hate confrontations myself. I walk on thin ice with everyone as to not to offend anyone or say the wrong thing. Like the things I said when I first met you. I still regret it. Things I say that hurt others seem to stick with me and it won't go away.
I care for everyone that I've gotten to know. Expressing myself and my concern for them is underwhelming at best. It's like I forgotten how to act in certain situations. I hate faking it or saying that I don't care in which I really do.
I hate talking about the problems with myself when I know more people have it far worse than I do.
Hun, while I honestly don't remember what was said, I remember what happened after, and look where we are? We are Friends, that can be honest with each other, open with each other. We became better people from that. Why regret?
Now, to touch upon the other things. It sounds like depression hun. Clinical depression. Something is eating at you rather deeply. Your dissatisfied with things, and you're not sure how to go about in changing it, or even if you feel it's worth it. as such the things you've enjoyed before now has lost interest for you.
You feel far away from everything and you're not even sure if you want to be close to anything anyways.
So, we need to find a way to get through all of that, get to the root of things, and get you back to being interested in things. And just in general feeling better. ^^
So, what to do?
It's not just you that I remember saying terrible things to. It's to anyone and everyone that got hurt from what I said. They stick with me and it's hard to shake them out.
I know there is no reason for me to kill myself. I know better than that. That's a coward's way out. I'm not a coward and I will get through this, but how?
Are the roots of my problems so embedded into me that I can't reach them to pull them out? I guess I need to figure that out on my own.
How will you get through this? One day at a time sweetie, one day at a time, and know that you're NOT alone. Send me a message, talk to me on yim, skype if you'd like. You have peeps that care about ya :)And that can help even in the darkest of hours.
You can always talk to me. THIS MIGHT BE A MISTAKE TO POST ON A FURRY FORUM BUUUUUUUUT
Skype: major.larky
AIM: crystalwhisker
(PSST I USE SKYPE MORE)
<333
And don't worry about giving out your IMs. Nobody keeps tabs on my journals. I'm not popular and I plan to stay that way.
I keep tabs! *creeeeeeepy*
Besides, who cares if you're popular? I want you to be happy!
Thanks for the support. It really does help.