O______o

What happened...?

What happened...?

I remember hating everything. I believe that was 13-17. You're almost 18 so maybe you're just gettin the last of it through your system:P.

But seriously, whatevers got you bothered, hope it has fucked off and you're feelin happier. You're too happy usually to give into the E of Mo. So try not to let it win out now. *Gives you the Happy Stick, to fight it off with*.

Well, there's hating things in the teenage angsty way, which I had a lot of that a long ass time ago. Then there's being fed up with stupid shit, caring too much, and being too easily hurt. Unfortunately, I'm angry at very abstract things it seems. I'm angry at ideas, I guess I could say. I'm angry with personalities that I can't control. I'm angry with the ways of life people think are best for me. I'm angry that I can't figure out how to get passed this fucking god damned depression. I'm tired of all this stress that just builds and lumbers and barks and threatens to bite, threatens and threatens, just a leashed up dog on a loose knot.

And holy fucking hell I am so very fucking fed up with music. I want to smash my saxophone, burn my guitars, and trash the shit out of my sequencer. I want everything and everyone to be quiet for once. No arguing, no talking, no joking, no laughing, no singing, no harmony. I just want things to be calm for at least a little while so then I can stop smoking, eating, biting my thumb nails, punching walls, and being all around nervous and scared in general.

I want things to go back to a few years ago. Back when I had the best dog ever. Back when I was good at playing saxophone. Back when I was still close with my dad and still terrified of my mom.

Fucking nearly 18 years and nothing to show for it and not too much to look forward. Yeah, I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed now.

Seems like that all too typical "hate everything" phaze teens go through. But obviously theres' more going on here than meets the eye, and a bigger picture. Not sure what's got you SO bothered and distressed, but I hope it fades soon, so you can regain some clarity and calm again. I'd say come out to some events if/when you can, as maybe being around good friends and having good times might big a big help. But it may or may not. No rush either way. These things take time and sometimes we have a need to do them alone.