Generally I'm just.. not in a good place right now. My mother is bearing down hard on me as far as my appearance. I'm trans, for those who don't know, and it's something that is literally fucking up every aspect of my life: the social, academic, and at home. At home, I just keep to myself, living a double life between how I act towards my parents and how I am online, which is sadly the only semblance of a life that I get. My mother has been getting increasingly suspicious that /something/ is wrong, and I was recently confronted with the questions of "are you a lesbian?", "why don't you dress like you're supposed to?", and best of all, "what did I do wrong?" And, as always, I have to adamantly deny everything and dodge every question that comes my way. She doesn't like the LGBT community, she still has that visceral 'ick' factor when she sees anyone gay. I can't even imagine how she would react to knowing that I'm trans.

My parents' attitude has kept me from branching out from anything else in my life. I can't make connections in school, and I dread going out to class and having to just smile and nod mindlessly at everyone because I don't want to greet them as something I'm not, so I avoid communication altogether. My grades have suffered hard for it, and I really am scared that I will ultimately fail at my education because of always hiding. I left high school with no lasting friends, I have none at the university, I only have about 2 friends from community college since I took a year off from uni, who know I'm trans, but still don't really act like it. Ultimately, I have no outlet, I stay at home all day when I don't have school and do absolutely nothing. Even online my social life suffers. I have been so conditioned to hiding that I never follow up with my acquaintances from online. I don't know /how/ to pursue a friendship or how to deepen a bond effectively. People just end up disappearing and I'm left wondering why I did nothing about it. I shouldn't have any excuse in this more accepting sphere.

And then there's the existential issue of time wasting away while I'm unable to transition. I want to transition /now/, not wait until I'm 30 when most of my young life is over. I can't run away, it's not financially feasible. I doubt being homeless would be more desirable than this, and I wouldn't be able to finish my education. And I can't tell my parents, they're so fucking bigoted that I can't even fathom the idea of telling them. And to make things more conflicted still, they really do care for me and love me, so something just feels wrong about the thought of leaving them, especially with my father's cancer not going away. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do, but whatever's going on now isn't working.

Not the most uplifting read, I know.