Been in a really despondent and really numb mood for a while now it seems. Momentary cheer breaks it up to the point I can't remember it's there. Today, staying behind a few hours at the shop and just drinking in the loneliness and overwhelming atmosphere just brought back the familiar loneliness and the self introspection that I feel has been missing for too long. I won't say what came across my mind except that it is familiar and was not received well by those around me despite the relief it gave me in a somber way. I miss it.

I have a chance at long last to actually save up money, I looked at houses, only 20 grand to get a decent one. For once in my life, that is not an impossible goal. I can do it. I can do it in a few years even if I just hang tight. I just have to cut out a lot of things in my life and my mind. I have to focus. This year's goal and resolution. If I make 30 thousand. I save ten of it. That's twelve grand to pay for expenses for every month and eight to cover everything else.

I loved the feeling in the shop. Flat out, I loved it. No boss, no pressure, just me and my work and for once in my time in this company I loved everything that I was doing. I need to embrace that, get into the swing of things at long last and fucking rock this job out. If I can do this and become what I'd need to be to move up, if not with this company but elsewhere... I can finally have it, a fucking life that is mine with no one to answer to.