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Feb 06: Changing Idle Thoughts
13 years ago
General
|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Idle thoughts are something that can be a torturous thing depending on one's state of mind, and mine have been gradually shifting for the better. My idle thoughts clearing up from the doom and gloom to something like sunny with scattered showers. I wouldn't describe it as sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops; I'm pretty sure I've been rendered too cynical for that ever to happen, but it's nice to get relative peace of mind; which is something maybe a decade ago I was pretty sure I'd never get while still alive.
I'm certainly not free of my past, and every now and then I get dreams of being back in school and the memories of the pressure and stress come flowing back. Of how I'm not ready for the testing, or how my grades weren't good enough, of how I should be retaking classes so I can score better; always with the ever present feeling of I really, really, don't want to be in school because it was the place where I felt the most alone in the entire world. An ironic torture, to be surrounded by people; but to be completely alone. To this day I can't take people seriously when they say school was the best time of their life. Maybe it's a good time for the psychopaths I guess.
In either case, I'm slowly becoming a bit more... I suppose 'interactive' with more people. It's easier for me to keep my distance from other people due to my 'infamy' and reputation, that who I am as a presentation is much larger than life than I really am. I don't think I would describe myself as overly shy, but extremely introverted. Well, I suppose that could be somewhat inferred to the amount of time I spend inside my own thoughts based on the level of thought I put into the things I present here in this gallery. Though I suppose to the point is that I'm closing the distance between me and other people in where I can more comfortably talk on a more causal level. Friendship for me never has been "Want to be my friend?" and then "Sure" it's more of something that happens subtly, with no one really knowing of when it happened.
█ A few things have been on my mind as of late, and it's mostly been of other people of late. Some good some bad. The bad is the typical people without money, and without a job, and the pressure and stress that puts on people one way or another. The good being watching and helping another person grow, and find their way. We all carry certain amounts of fear with us, some more crippling than most; and facing them instead of feeding them is pretty healthy. Course a lot of times those fears are perfectly justified.
My friend
kaliak is doing some latex themed commissions if you're interested to see what he can pull off. He's still trying to find his own artistic identity, and unfortunately he lets his own art skills languish a bit because of the inevitable comparisons to what I can put together; kind of serves as a demotivater instead of a motivator. He's doing commissions right now to gather some money to look after his teeth, though through him I learned that one should avoid Crest 3D Whitening toothpaste. It supposedly is like brushing your teeth with acid which causes the inside of your mouth and gums to strip and peel off. (I can sort of imagine the panic one might enter if on the day you decide to take better care of your teeth, you end up using a toothpaste that actually makes things worse)
I've also been giving
kyroraz the occasional helping hand with his own art, he's been progressing quickly. He has some interesting ideas in the past, and it should be fun to see what he comes up with in the future if he keeps at it.
Some other developing artists who frequent my art streams that I figure might as well get a bump as well are
sargotha 
drake-darkscale 
elementalwolf Sorry to those I've missed mentioning as I know there's a couple more of budding artists who visit my stream that I didn't mention because my memory is a fickle thing.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Idle thoughts are something that can be a torturous thing depending on one's state of mind, and mine have been gradually shifting for the better. My idle thoughts clearing up from the doom and gloom to something like sunny with scattered showers. I wouldn't describe it as sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops; I'm pretty sure I've been rendered too cynical for that ever to happen, but it's nice to get relative peace of mind; which is something maybe a decade ago I was pretty sure I'd never get while still alive.
I'm certainly not free of my past, and every now and then I get dreams of being back in school and the memories of the pressure and stress come flowing back. Of how I'm not ready for the testing, or how my grades weren't good enough, of how I should be retaking classes so I can score better; always with the ever present feeling of I really, really, don't want to be in school because it was the place where I felt the most alone in the entire world. An ironic torture, to be surrounded by people; but to be completely alone. To this day I can't take people seriously when they say school was the best time of their life. Maybe it's a good time for the psychopaths I guess.
In either case, I'm slowly becoming a bit more... I suppose 'interactive' with more people. It's easier for me to keep my distance from other people due to my 'infamy' and reputation, that who I am as a presentation is much larger than life than I really am. I don't think I would describe myself as overly shy, but extremely introverted. Well, I suppose that could be somewhat inferred to the amount of time I spend inside my own thoughts based on the level of thought I put into the things I present here in this gallery. Though I suppose to the point is that I'm closing the distance between me and other people in where I can more comfortably talk on a more causal level. Friendship for me never has been "Want to be my friend?" and then "Sure" it's more of something that happens subtly, with no one really knowing of when it happened.
█ A few things have been on my mind as of late, and it's mostly been of other people of late. Some good some bad. The bad is the typical people without money, and without a job, and the pressure and stress that puts on people one way or another. The good being watching and helping another person grow, and find their way. We all carry certain amounts of fear with us, some more crippling than most; and facing them instead of feeding them is pretty healthy. Course a lot of times those fears are perfectly justified.
My friend
kaliak is doing some latex themed commissions if you're interested to see what he can pull off. He's still trying to find his own artistic identity, and unfortunately he lets his own art skills languish a bit because of the inevitable comparisons to what I can put together; kind of serves as a demotivater instead of a motivator. He's doing commissions right now to gather some money to look after his teeth, though through him I learned that one should avoid Crest 3D Whitening toothpaste. It supposedly is like brushing your teeth with acid which causes the inside of your mouth and gums to strip and peel off. (I can sort of imagine the panic one might enter if on the day you decide to take better care of your teeth, you end up using a toothpaste that actually makes things worse)I've also been giving
kyroraz the occasional helping hand with his own art, he's been progressing quickly. He has some interesting ideas in the past, and it should be fun to see what he comes up with in the future if he keeps at it.Some other developing artists who frequent my art streams that I figure might as well get a bump as well are
sargotha 
drake-darkscale 
elementalwolf Sorry to those I've missed mentioning as I know there's a couple more of budding artists who visit my stream that I didn't mention because my memory is a fickle thing.
I couldn't say school was great, I hated it really it was more college when I really started to draw and got to do exactly what I wanted in life of training to be a chef.
Really happy how much kyro has learned from you and raven it's pretty awesome how fast he's coming along :)
Take care!
thank you very much for the bump
heh glad they are shifting and i dont think anyone could get to sunshine and lollipops XD. in truth school to me was my escape though i'd say not a helpful one XD as even working myself to be better then most it didnt quiet help me out to encourage to move forward. but as of late i have had that slight boost i have needed to better myself again for myself and for those who encourage me to do so. thats far better then getting told eh after scoring an A on almost every class, but getting yelled at if i got a C XD but live and learn and keep on rolling.
But it's good you're deciding to finally pull yourself out of the mire and reach out. Not saying it's easy. Been down this path before. But the sooner you choose to try and help yourself, the sooner you can start moving forward.
And I wholely agree about the school thing. Hell with those times in my life. I dropped out and got my legitimate diploma through the adult school system. Didn't waste time on the idiots in the typical system. Good thing I did too, because that's when my schitz and (very minor) cancer emerged.
Few comments here ... High School and below was more traumatizing than educational. I thought it was my fault. I thought that I was just a bad person. And honestly, I was not completely blameless either ... I wanted to do writing and programming more than learning about American Literature (which I honestly don't give a care for, to this day) or learning a foreign language (although, a smattering of French helped me in Quebec and France) ... however, my thoughts about how I was as a person ... drastically changed. I changed my mind when I got to see the other side of the coin. I got my degree in Education (with a Physics and Astronomy minor afterchaser) and I had to do student teaching. I got to be a substitute for a few days and do some observations at my high school. It was eye opening. My Goddess, these teachers, by far, were TERRIBLE. A few of them were exceptional, and there was no question about that, but for the most part ... terrible! Actually, my favorite teachers were, surprise, my physics, art, and math teachers. The physics and math teachers did the right things for me. The Art teacher recognized talent in me and although I only had Studio Art I and some Art history on my belt, he encouraged me to jump to Studio Art AP ... and skip literally 3 years of art classes and be immersed deep. I struggled. It was hell. But, as you have seen with my progress, when immersed over my head, I swim. I earned the "Most Improved Artist" of the year. Pity back then I could only draw fruit, pumpkins, and couches... never drew a living thing.
My dentist told me flat out to NEVER EVER use listerine. It burns your mouth bad. He recommends Act. Flat out. I use it every night and it helps.
I thank you for your encouragement on all fronts. I'm still having a lot of fun. I don't get discouraged because I do not fail, I only learn. And I am trying to also prove that if I, a Systems/Software Engineer, can do this ... anyone can. If I can show a person that it can be done, that one can become a good artist and learn ... then I can rest well at night.
I used Crest Whitening Strips once and had the same reaction....tasted disgusting too >.o .
I will check out the artists you've listed to see what interesting stuff they have .