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The Creeks A'rising, and the Lord Ain't Willing....
19 years ago
The Creeks A'rising, and the Lord Ain't Willing or Hell and Highwater Have Come...
Heya all.... I didn't think I'd be posting another journal entry (Especially so soon after the last one) But I was amazed by the amount of responses I got so, with the new found knowledge that seem people actually read these, I'm posting again.
Anyways, for those of you who don't know me that well, I'm a 20 (Going on 21 in 3 days) year old gay furry artist living in Flagstaff Arizona. I currently work at Blockbuster (Not the best job in the world, but the free movies are nice) and I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do with my life.
I recently got out of a one month relationship (My second shortest relationship of all time. The longest being two years) and I can't help but feeling lost. I really thought he was the one! (Not that I believe there is only one person out there for each person) I just thought he was the person I could spend the rest of my life with, and finding out he didn't feel the same hurts quite a bit.
In addition, the pain of rejection as once again brought to my attention my many, many shortcomings. The biggest of which is my fear of abandonment. Ever since my parents kicked me out of the house for being gay, I've had a long history of being abandoned and or hurt by those I care about. It's something that makes it harder for me to trust people. It also makes me very paranoid sometimes. This is something I really need to work on if I'm ever going to have a sucessful relationship I need to be able to trust my parrtner fully.
In addition to paranoia, I few other not so great traits. The biggest of which is that currently I really have no future or ambitions. Other then someday wanting to draw a comic book, I have no real goals, nor do I have any idea what I want to do with my life. I have no direction or drive, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to decide what I want, let alone go about making it happen...
Finally last but not least, I'm a bit clingy and too emotional. I don't fall for people easily. A person has to be very special for me to even like them as a friend. When I do fall though, I fall hard and fast. Something that is really not healthy! I've only fallen in love 3 times in my life. All three times with people I shouldn't have let myself love. Once I'm in love I cling to them. Which can be annoying. Also, since I wear my emotions on my sleeve and hold nothing back, when I began to feel sad or hurt or rejected I fall apart. Not contrrolling my emotions, I become a mess of tears and hurt feelings.
*Sighs* You'd think since I recognize all my many problems I'd have made some progress in facing and overcoming them, but the truth is I don't even know where to start? How does one begin a journey of self improvement? How does one go about changing who we are?
*Sighs* I just know I need to work through these things before I pursue any other relationships.... *Sighs* In closing I'm going to post the lyrics from a song thats been in my head for the last few days. I'd say it's off topic, but honestly it kinda fits well with the way I feel insider right now.
No Way Out
(From Brother Bear)
Everywhere I turn, I hurt someone
But there's nothing I can say to change
the things I've done
Of all the things I hid from you
I cannot hide the shame
And I pray someone, something will come
to take away the pain
There's no way out of this dark place
No hope, no future
I know I can't be free
But I can't see another way
I can't face another day
Tell me where, did I go wrong
Everyone I loved, they're all gone
I'd do everything differently
but I can't turn back the time
There's no shelter from the storm
inside of me
There's no way out of this dark place
No hope, no future
I know I can't be free
But I can't see another way
I can't face another day
Anyways, not the entire song, but the only part I can remember right now. My roomate keeps reminding me the song ends on an upbeat note, but for some stupid reason this is the only part I can remember. Sad ain't it.... *Smiles* Well bye for now....
Heya all.... I didn't think I'd be posting another journal entry (Especially so soon after the last one) But I was amazed by the amount of responses I got so, with the new found knowledge that seem people actually read these, I'm posting again.
Anyways, for those of you who don't know me that well, I'm a 20 (Going on 21 in 3 days) year old gay furry artist living in Flagstaff Arizona. I currently work at Blockbuster (Not the best job in the world, but the free movies are nice) and I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do with my life.
I recently got out of a one month relationship (My second shortest relationship of all time. The longest being two years) and I can't help but feeling lost. I really thought he was the one! (Not that I believe there is only one person out there for each person) I just thought he was the person I could spend the rest of my life with, and finding out he didn't feel the same hurts quite a bit.
In addition, the pain of rejection as once again brought to my attention my many, many shortcomings. The biggest of which is my fear of abandonment. Ever since my parents kicked me out of the house for being gay, I've had a long history of being abandoned and or hurt by those I care about. It's something that makes it harder for me to trust people. It also makes me very paranoid sometimes. This is something I really need to work on if I'm ever going to have a sucessful relationship I need to be able to trust my parrtner fully.
In addition to paranoia, I few other not so great traits. The biggest of which is that currently I really have no future or ambitions. Other then someday wanting to draw a comic book, I have no real goals, nor do I have any idea what I want to do with my life. I have no direction or drive, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to decide what I want, let alone go about making it happen...
Finally last but not least, I'm a bit clingy and too emotional. I don't fall for people easily. A person has to be very special for me to even like them as a friend. When I do fall though, I fall hard and fast. Something that is really not healthy! I've only fallen in love 3 times in my life. All three times with people I shouldn't have let myself love. Once I'm in love I cling to them. Which can be annoying. Also, since I wear my emotions on my sleeve and hold nothing back, when I began to feel sad or hurt or rejected I fall apart. Not contrrolling my emotions, I become a mess of tears and hurt feelings.
*Sighs* You'd think since I recognize all my many problems I'd have made some progress in facing and overcoming them, but the truth is I don't even know where to start? How does one begin a journey of self improvement? How does one go about changing who we are?
*Sighs* I just know I need to work through these things before I pursue any other relationships.... *Sighs* In closing I'm going to post the lyrics from a song thats been in my head for the last few days. I'd say it's off topic, but honestly it kinda fits well with the way I feel insider right now.
No Way Out
(From Brother Bear)
Everywhere I turn, I hurt someone
But there's nothing I can say to change
the things I've done
Of all the things I hid from you
I cannot hide the shame
And I pray someone, something will come
to take away the pain
There's no way out of this dark place
No hope, no future
I know I can't be free
But I can't see another way
I can't face another day
Tell me where, did I go wrong
Everyone I loved, they're all gone
I'd do everything differently
but I can't turn back the time
There's no shelter from the storm
inside of me
There's no way out of this dark place
No hope, no future
I know I can't be free
But I can't see another way
I can't face another day
Anyways, not the entire song, but the only part I can remember right now. My roomate keeps reminding me the song ends on an upbeat note, but for some stupid reason this is the only part I can remember. Sad ain't it.... *Smiles* Well bye for now....
Do you think I've abandoned you?
Love is a flighty, fickle thing Jar. Sometimes it can take longer to happen than you expect. The key is not to give up, and to not let yourself get too lost in your feelings when things don't work out.
Feeling upset is normal yes, but not to the point when you simply cannot function. That's just not healthy t'all. :(
I hope I'll see you online sometime soon. If not, you're more than welcome to email me or send a PM here. :)