Every time it seems like one part of my life gets sorted out, it (or everything) falls apart. The worst part? It is always my fault. I can't seem to let myself enjoy anything, I always push people away, or end up with massive amounts of hate for myself and/or others.... I can't let myself be happy... It sucks, and it pisses me off, but I can't help it, and I don't want it to happen. I used to say that I deserved it, but I don't know if that was ever true or not, or why. I have never hurt anyone on purpose, I have never allowed another to come to harm, without vast repercussions to myself. I cannot even begin to understand this, yet, it is ALWAYS me that does it. Any time I tell someone otherwise, it's a lie. I hate it. I want it to stop, but I don't know why it happens, so how can I prevent it? I just need to ramble, I guess... I don't even know why I'm typing this all out. I guess it's because I want help but I'm too scared to actively seek it.

Also, YAY my job fucked me over so now I work until 2pm or 3pm everyday except weekends and THAT'S IT so I have more time to be sociable and hang out... Except not because I'm pushing away all my housemates and anyone who lives near me, so instead I'm going to sit here, every afternoon, alone because I am such a dumbfuck.