I can remember a decade ago this was the worst holiday apart from X-mass. I don't have a family or a lover, and I still don't to this day, and yet I find myself reacting to these things in a very different way now. Ten years ago I could get about as depressed as anyone could imagine, in fact at this point I actually had to take Paxil and shut down my emotional center chemically just to get though that entire time. When I wasn't medicated, I was spiteful to anything that depicted love or even the sight of lovers... now.. it doesn't bother me in the least.

I have a prime example close to me right now, a former love interest from my early 20's. She is now in a committed lesbian relationship, and though she has no problem with multiple relationships, chooses to remain monogamous to her girlfriend for her sake. There was a time I would do anything to be loved by her in that way, but that was so many moves and so many life-changes ago. I'm not the same person I was back then, and she's changed some herself. I still love her, but now it feels more 'right' for me to prove that love by stepping my desires back and thinking about her needs. I suppose that age makes you a little less self-centered, and you learn what it truly means to have someone in your life. I love my friend deeply as I love all the people who have touched me emotionally though my life. Any moment of cheap pleasure can't really replace that.

I still look on at romantic valentines day sentiment as complete bullshit, but I give it more respect when people are more honest about it. Valentines day is about puppy love and fucking, I say just let it be and stop pretending it's about the start of a long lasting relationship. Love takes time and sacrifice, not chocolates and edible panties.

I suppose the heart of the matter is that I've come to understand what love is, and what it isn't. If only I understood that ten years ago.