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Beloved Entropy
12 years ago
Is it just me or is every single couple that had been together for more than a year randomly breaking up without telling anybody right before one or the other leaves FA without so much as a good-bye rant?
Fleki and Wolfy-Nail, Adjot and Williamca...these are people who seem perfect for each other, and because of how universally liked they are and how long they've been together you just don't notice when one of them stops posting anything. Then a few months later, you go to their page and find that they're just...gone. They're not registered as deceased, they haven't been banned. They just stopped posting one day. The partner who they'd loved so much has moved on to some completely random person and has gotten rid of any trace of having ever been with them in the first place.
And that's not even starting on the people who actually are registered as deceased when you go to check on them.
It really makes me scared for the future, especially because the very last pictures are always really gentle, loving ones and not rough, hardcore sex or some crap. It makes me wonder how something beautiful like that can just stop existing one day, and it makes me cringe to myself.
If this can happen to people who have been together for four years, and with no explanation at all, what does that say about the world around us? What does that say about our own personal relationships, about our dreams? Were these people and what they'd shared just dreams to begin with, something dredged up from our own memories and superimposed over shared reality in an attempt to hide the bleak truth of our temporary lives within the current thread? Or is it something more, the sudden tenderness prior to disappearing a final goodbye?
I get caught up thinking about all the people who've contributed lasting legacies to the world and died without warning shortly after, and how an artist--whatever their medium--who ceases to exist dies not just for themselves, but for all of us, wrenching our spirits into knots and pulling us down into an abyss that we're left to pull ourselves out of. Artists who had become beloved for their talent and their personality who then destroy their futures...they leave us with a feeling of eternal hunger, a deepening sadness when we realize that we're never going to see an update from them again, never have another chance to admire their latest works even as their old ones gather dust in the electronic catacombs that make up our databases and storage media. They leave behind nothing but a pale imprint, a broken ghost and an aging legacy.
Every time an artist terminates or a loving couple ends, we all die a bit inside. It's entropy born of love.
I've been awake too long. I need to sleep and try to get my mind off of this.
Fleki and Wolfy-Nail, Adjot and Williamca...these are people who seem perfect for each other, and because of how universally liked they are and how long they've been together you just don't notice when one of them stops posting anything. Then a few months later, you go to their page and find that they're just...gone. They're not registered as deceased, they haven't been banned. They just stopped posting one day. The partner who they'd loved so much has moved on to some completely random person and has gotten rid of any trace of having ever been with them in the first place.
And that's not even starting on the people who actually are registered as deceased when you go to check on them.
It really makes me scared for the future, especially because the very last pictures are always really gentle, loving ones and not rough, hardcore sex or some crap. It makes me wonder how something beautiful like that can just stop existing one day, and it makes me cringe to myself.
If this can happen to people who have been together for four years, and with no explanation at all, what does that say about the world around us? What does that say about our own personal relationships, about our dreams? Were these people and what they'd shared just dreams to begin with, something dredged up from our own memories and superimposed over shared reality in an attempt to hide the bleak truth of our temporary lives within the current thread? Or is it something more, the sudden tenderness prior to disappearing a final goodbye?
I get caught up thinking about all the people who've contributed lasting legacies to the world and died without warning shortly after, and how an artist--whatever their medium--who ceases to exist dies not just for themselves, but for all of us, wrenching our spirits into knots and pulling us down into an abyss that we're left to pull ourselves out of. Artists who had become beloved for their talent and their personality who then destroy their futures...they leave us with a feeling of eternal hunger, a deepening sadness when we realize that we're never going to see an update from them again, never have another chance to admire their latest works even as their old ones gather dust in the electronic catacombs that make up our databases and storage media. They leave behind nothing but a pale imprint, a broken ghost and an aging legacy.
Every time an artist terminates or a loving couple ends, we all die a bit inside. It's entropy born of love.
I've been awake too long. I need to sleep and try to get my mind off of this.
The main reason why we can express ourselves (by art, etc.) and perceive other people's expressions, is because we were given the gift of life. Two people fucked, and thus, we exist here. So, in this great great big universe, only creature that's truly banished into oblivion is the one creature that has no offspring. IMHO, there is no greater crime than not procreating.
Oh Vatz... I've been out of this fandom for too long... I just don't have the willpower to start talking to people. I'm... There's too much personal mess going around, and I can't borrow a free time from my future to say or do something creative. Everyone expects of me to do work, and to be strong, and to make money. Twenty-four seven. And I don't see that the situation will become any better when I'm 30, 40, 55, 65. The only new things will be new responsibilities, new mouths to feed, new bills, new mortgages, and old people to take care of. This is it, I guess, this is the end of the line. My personal story, my adventure seems over now. I've played out my act on the stage. The kind of life that I'm living right now is the epilogue, the end titles you read after a movie based on real-life events. "Kish is alive and still lives in Belgrade, etc,etc..." And few decades later, maybe a little notice in the newspaper, "R.I.P. Kish, last farewell from your family". Life is simple, really. We only make it look like something hugely important, something precious.
Eh, bleh. I'm ranting again. I should go back to writing.
Unintentionally personally attacking me with the whole procreating thing, since I'm basically incapable of doing that and it obviously makes me a horrible human being who doesn't deserve to create art that's just going to go away anyway.
Generally being unpleasant and having literally no faith in anything, which goes against the things I personally believe and reference in the journal, and can also be construed as an attack.
How've you been aside from that, Kishniev?
I wasn't referring to the subcultural aspect of the furry, I was thinking about the little circle of friends I've built up over IRC and FA. I've stopped watering the plants of my friendships, that's all. I still enjoy the art, music, literature, and craftsmanship that furries produce. I'm still attached to my fursona, and feel a strong attachment to the idea of being a rat. And I don't plan on forsaking the culture anytime soon.
I'm sorry if my own opinions made you feel bad. I'm sorry if my faithlessness made you feel bad. Feel free to slap me anytime I become too annoying.
And you haven't even mentioned the second paragraph, or my response to it. I'd like to know why.
I don't understand how the second paragraph should be discussed. I don't see any attacks here. You could pack the paragraph in a speech bubble and attach it to any talking head, and it would not tie down to anyone in particular. It's just a thought, and I haven't referred nor mentioned you in it. If it has to do with anyone, than that person is me. And if the paragraph tells about something, it tells about my own idea(l)s and my own struggle with them. You might find a plain textbook example of cognitive dissonance in there; the rat badly wanting to have the cheese, but afraid of the mousetrap, so he says that the cheese is sour or poisoned. It has nothing to do with you...
I didn't say 'everything was worthless', I said: Life is simple. I said: ...I don't have the willpower to start talking to people again (...) can't borrow time to say or do something creative. "My personal story being over... end of the line..." these phrases don't mean that everything is worthless, and especially not that anything related to anthro subculture is worthless. How did I downgrade the value of life by saying that I don't have time, or I'm anxious to start talking to my long-distance friends again? If I'm downgrading value of anyone's life here, then it is my own life that I'm downgrading.
Let's go to the first paragraph again. "I'm starting to think," doesn't mean I'm an anti-art Luddite fighting to destroy all forms of artistic expression. I never mentioned that I'm against the anthro art, or art in general. If I had started the paragraph with "I'm absolutely sure that...", or "To hell with the tails...", then it could mean that my opinion has already formed and I'm devoted in defending it. For example, I could have said: "I tend to think that Saprophyte Fungi are a wretched form of existence" and that would be just my opinion that may be ridiculed or derogated by any junior biologist. But if I said: "For the well-being of our local community, we should exterminate all the Saprophyte Fungi..." then every person would have full right to put me in a looney bin or jail my tail for anti-biodiversity hate-speech.
Lastly, why such tone? What have you discovered that made you so indignant about my post?
I don't know, maybe I'm the only person who has that kind of forethought, checking an old acquaintance's profile before talking to them. But you brand me as some kind of hopeless mistake and insane criminal because I can not and will never create another life. You may not think that has anything to do with what you said, but I gave that ability up voluntarily because my body is a wretched, disgusting biological mistake that I've tried for years to ignore and have just recently begun the process of fixing. And, honestly, I can't say I think you even respect people like me, because the tone you take when talking about biodiversity and the world and genetics is all about continuation of species and efficiency. You don't seem to care at all about the life being lived, just people making sure they get their junk into contact with as many others as possible before they waste away and get eaten up by little microbes.
I am not the kind of person who can keep a civil tongue. I make absolutely no sense when I'm pissed off. I probably look like the biggest fucking self-contradictory idiot in the entire world. But the basic gist of everything I vomited out above is that you popped up out of nowhere and attacked me as an artist, as a spiritual person and as a transgendered/transsexual person all at once through being completely unobservant, and the "tone" you took when you said all that stuff precludes any possibility of acting like you didn't mean it, and like you don't see me and everybody like me as a freak. You may not want to burn everything to the ground because it's different, but you sure as hell don't have any respect for it either.