This actually made me cry...

I can relate to it so well, idk how many times I used to try to fake being sick when I was little cause I didnt want to go to school and deal with the other kids. I started to really relate to it when it talked about how you grow up to believe that you are no good, that you will never find another person to love you... i cant tell you how many of my diaries (started as little as when I was 8 or 9) talk about how I wont ever get married cause no man in their right mind would love someone like me, how could anyone love me? I dont love me... and I still struggle with that believe it or not and I am 30, been married 12 years and have 3 of the most beautiful children ever with him. I was called giraffe cause I was tall, lanky, skinny and had tons of freckles like spots on a giraffe... I was called tissues cause my breasts came in quick, and went from a trainer to a c cup in a months time, so everyone said I stuffed my bra... they would pretend to sneeze and then grab at my shirt like they were going to reach in and get tissues. I suffered from bi-polar at an early age, took them till I was 15 to fully rightfully diagnosis it... so I was on antidepressants and ADHD medication which only help my emotions freak out that much more... so I cried a lot. I would pass on speaking in my classes and take a 0 on my assignment cause I couldnt handle getting up and talking in front of anyone, let alone a class that I had no friends in. I sat in the back and drew, and escaped into my own imagination to survive... its prolly why I draw so much now. When I was a teen is when the bulling actually became sexual... and that is something no one should ever have to go through.

I know a lot of this being in my history is most likely why I have so much of my anxiety now. I am withdrawn, I am a hermit... I dont like people, I hate most that I meet or have to put up with... only here in the last year have I tried to improve and venture out. Its most likely why I find little self worth... why I am never happy with my body or my face or my hair... I am over critical on myself... and I have yet to learn to love myself.

I am grateful however with how it didnt destroy me completely. I have a huge heart, and I love very easily. I mother everyone, friends and husband included cause I dont want anyone, no matter if I know them or not to ever feel like they are alone, that everyone is against them, that they have no way out... screw it if I feel that way, I dont wish that on anyone and dont ever want anyone to feel like that. To be honest with you, I am surprised in myself that I didnt go completely cold and numb from all I did go through.

what I fear the most now... is my children going through this. I already see some of it coming onto my oldest son. TJ is a little odd... he thinks outside the box like I do... he lives in and talks all about his fantasies and is more attached to his stories than reality... I see him withdrawing... and while I understand cause I did the same thing, I worry about him thinking the way I do. and my other 2... I think all 3 of my children are the most beautiful things I have ever seen, that I have the pleasure of raising... and the thought of them going through all the hardships in school just kills me.

ANYHOW... this video was beautiful... it got a little crazy in the center with the circus and what not... but the way they put it really touched me... and It actually helps me to realize that I really wasnt as alone as I thought I was.

♥

oh kimmy... i am so sorry you had to go through that... i knew we were more alike than either of us could say... i suffered so much sexual, physical, and mental abuse while i was in school and it didnt stop there. i suffered from abuse until i was 25, and you know my other stories, though i know more now than i told you before, i am regaining my memories... as you know i still am a recovering cutter from it, and like you i too have issues with acceptance and love despite the fact that i am married to one of the most wonderful and beautiful people that i have ever known. i am learning to deal with it, and my bipolar, dislexia, my nerves, my stress, my D.I.D., my PTSD.. my porphyria (or whatever the hell i really have). i am finding so much more about me now that my voices left... and what i am finding is that i went through more than i once thought... and that i am so stressed out because of it.. i dont know how to turn it off.. it truly sucks. there is so much more to my story that i havent told almost anyone, because i didnt know it until recently.

that is why i had to post this.. it hit home and i too cried (and i am not talking about a little girl that spilled her milk, or dropped her ice cream, i mean i really cried).

you are not alone. as long as i am around you never will be, despite how far apart we are, or how long it has been since we connected as brother and sister. you are and will always be special to me. love you kimmy. they were wrong. they were wrong to be so horrible to one such as you, and one day they will see it too late. you are loved, and i am one of the people that can say that you are a wonderful person. it is only a matter of time before you see it yourself. you are in my thoughts, wishes, and heart. if you need me i am a note away.

*hugs*