Sorry to scare you guys.... I just need to express these things somehow to keep me from doing things I might regret. I'm also sorry if its a burden, its just, times like these I look here for support. You guys, your all so important to me, and I really do value your friendships as much as, if not more, than my friends IRL.

Dear ,

This letter isn't to explain myself, or why.... but I guess I should complain at the very least. Maybe then some questions will be answered.

People make a great many decisions in their life times. Most, are meaningless, and overlooked. But in the end, they are all important and they define our lives. Its easy to overlook the things we don't always want to see, and often we end up lying to ourselves. I'm pretty sure thats when life begins to confuse us. Maybe it is the world turning on us.... or, is that just the easier thing to believe? Maybe its us who turn on the world and reality.
We make stupid decisions and sink ourselves in these lies. And then, we regret.

While my love for my mother has always kept me on the right path, and has kept me strong, it is this same love that might have ended up destroying me. I've never wanted to keep her out of my life, she just hasn't wanted a part in it. There are things that while we may not understand, accepting them is what we must do. There are also things we want, but respecting the wants of others must come first. Isn't that what this country stands for? All things aside..... while she might have thought she has been with me and protected me from everything...... There is one thing she could not.

Honestly, I think its about time she realized what she has blinded herself to. I do believe I've changed, but not because someone has made me, at least not in any way the rest of the people haven't.
Well, that one very special point of weakness which we all have, and maybe by myself I have not been able to protect..... is my Heart. There are pains and tears I have felt, things I once never thought could happen. Things that have slowly.... and all but completely eliminated it. I can't say I don't feel.... but, I can say that I've become cold enough to protect myself.
Love..... its something I once felt, and I can without a doubt say it was as real as every bit of my pulsing flesh. As real as the raging currents in my veins.... and it was the most painful thing I have... or should I say.... am, dealing with. Its no ones fault. Its only my own. Today.... that pain reached its limit... and I can honestly say, that I don't think I'll have any regrets about the choices I'm now forced to make.

About my independence.... there is a time when every parent has to realize that they need to prepare their child for a life of, while often hard, decisions and choices that they will need to make. Unfortunately.... I don't think I've been taught that... and therefore expect so little from any life I'm destined to make for myself. I do however, blame that on her and I continue to blame her. She wishes too much to keep me in her clutches for the rest of my days. I on the other hand, want happiness freedom... and while I may not be able to handle the cost, I'm at least ready to get it in any form I can. My fear has kept me together for so long..... so many times.... but I don't think it has much left. As much as I hate to think of it, I'm giving up everything I have to gain it. I can only hope, pray, that its what I get in exchange. And while I don't want to remove her from my life, I think its the only way.

I've treasured 19.5 years of experiences, and I cannot complain. But if the experiences which I have to feel continue, I feel it is my right not to endure them any longer. I hate myself, and i abuse of myself to express that hatred. There is almost nothing in me I can say I like, and nothing in me that can say likes me.
I'm full of excuses, lies, hate, sorrow, despair and guilt. I hate that I am so useless, stupid and ugly. But what I hate the most is that there is so little that makes me love me. But one thing I do not, and never can hate.... is that I am Me.
I'm sorry.... but, this is goodbye.

I honestly don't know what to think of this.
no drama intended.... but.... I think you guys know where this is going.