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Fuuuck (A rant :\)
12 years ago
So as my last journal implied, it was my birthday today. Unfortunately, my dad ended up... triggering me in a way. I had casually stated that some kind of new tech was cool and that I wanted it. I was just generally nerding over it because, hey, who wouldn't? Apparently this was not okay with my 'dad'. He said that it was crap and a waste of time, I answered that everything recreational is a waste of time to him, and he answered back that at my college that should be the last thing on my mind and that my priorities are messed up. I'm apparently not allowed to desire nice things because I'm not grown up.
Here's some backstory so that this will make more sense. Last year, I was at school in Pittsburgh, and I didn't do well. That would be an understatement. I did catastrophically horrible. I'm EXTREMELY ashamed of this fact. Even moreso because academic troubles are linked to my being trans and how very cloistered and embarrassed it caused me to be, along with making me not at all proactive about my issues because of the depression that accompanied that.
So, because I didn't do well, he keeps hounding me about school, even though I'm not even there right now. And therefore, I'm not allowed to even think about recreational stuff in his mind. Every time he reminds me about how terrible I did, I just get overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt because I'm wasting the $50k it takes to go to school there, and it feels like I'm fucking everyone over in my family. There's guilt because I'm not able to be honest about WHY I'm doing badly because I can't come out. And there's the sheer humiliation in admitting that I did so horribly and I feel like a completely incompetent idiot for it. And because of this, I just feel like I shouldn't even go back and bother getting a degree when my dad keeps reminding me about it, especially when I was hoping I would have a relatively nice day.
So now I'm just huddled up in my room with no desire to talk to anyone and beating myself up for being what I am. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I hate this pressure when I have to rely on parents for finances, and I feel like I'm squandering the resources from people that I don't want to be supporting me.
Just.. meh.
Here's some backstory so that this will make more sense. Last year, I was at school in Pittsburgh, and I didn't do well. That would be an understatement. I did catastrophically horrible. I'm EXTREMELY ashamed of this fact. Even moreso because academic troubles are linked to my being trans and how very cloistered and embarrassed it caused me to be, along with making me not at all proactive about my issues because of the depression that accompanied that.
So, because I didn't do well, he keeps hounding me about school, even though I'm not even there right now. And therefore, I'm not allowed to even think about recreational stuff in his mind. Every time he reminds me about how terrible I did, I just get overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt because I'm wasting the $50k it takes to go to school there, and it feels like I'm fucking everyone over in my family. There's guilt because I'm not able to be honest about WHY I'm doing badly because I can't come out. And there's the sheer humiliation in admitting that I did so horribly and I feel like a completely incompetent idiot for it. And because of this, I just feel like I shouldn't even go back and bother getting a degree when my dad keeps reminding me about it, especially when I was hoping I would have a relatively nice day.
So now I'm just huddled up in my room with no desire to talk to anyone and beating myself up for being what I am. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I hate this pressure when I have to rely on parents for finances, and I feel like I'm squandering the resources from people that I don't want to be supporting me.
Just.. meh.
You shouldn't beat yourself up over that...school gets you down and shit happens point is you are still able to go just keep pushing yourself to do good. ;n;
Sorry to hear that you face so many problems atm. I truly hope you will find a way to overcome these problems, buddy. I hold my fingers crossed for you.
But you can't be like me and let it bother you to the point of stopping you. That wouldn't be fair to you.