FA+
Shop
*brain explodes into text*
12 years ago
Just deciding to put down a haphazard train of thoughts down here, mostly disconnected from each other. You've been warned.
.: Effects of Being Home Again :.
Ugh, where to begin.. I feel like I'm rotting away here.. It's mostly my fault in the end, but that's not something I feel like getting into at the moment.. There's so much I need to be doing, but I can't bring myself to do it for some damn reason or another. I'm not about to make excuses for myself, but I can't help feeling having a severe lack of motivation and the mild onset of some damn depression or whatever really isn't helping my cause any. Really, I feel utterly defeated, being stuck here again. I want to get out of here, but I'm having so much trouble picking myself off the floor, and I don't know why.. Being here is slowly killing me from the inside out.. I feel so isolated.. I don't really have any of my own friends local to my hometown area anymore, and it really sucks.. In the long run, I just need out.. I need out of this god-forsaken state, with a job and my own place, and rebuild my social life from scratch, among other things..
.: Of Self and Gender :.
Loosely connected to the last subject, in that being home means that I basically have to suppress myself. I can't exactly be myself around my family, considering the way things are around here. Furry is the easy one. I don't necessarily get into furry stuff around other people unless I'm hanging with other furries anyway. Me being gay is a little more difficult. While things with that have gotten much better over the years (while not necessarily horrific or anything, that's a long story in and of itself), my dad still expects me to stay quiet about it. The thing that's the hardest for me right now is the more recent issue of my gender identity. Within the last year or so, I've started really looking into myself in regards to this. This whole thing is more of a subject for it's own journal or private discussion, but to shorten it up, for now I see myself more or less as genderqueer, and still wanting to continue to explore myself with this. However, that's something I'm actually rather scared to even hint at around this household, so that brings me at a complete standstill.. In short, it's basically like hiding behind a mold while Im here at home..
.: Non-Traditional Love and Relationships :.
This one isn't really depressing like the last two subjects, just me in deep thought, sort of. It's also things that I've been thinking about a fair amount over the last several years. Just to say it straight up right off the bat, I've grown to prefer an open relationship. That said, that doesn't mean I love the person I'm with any less. On the contrary, I love my mate Retsueto very much, and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I've just felt more and more that, as we both have close friends we care a great deal for, we should both be able to share our love with them. It's kind of hard to put my thoughts and feelings on all this into words, but really, I feel that an open relationship can flourish and grow, in that the love you share grows stronger as you bring it back together at the end of the day. As long as you're open, honest, and trusting with your partner, I don't see why you can't enjoy close times with a close friend, then share that with your partner, maybe even getting to try new things in the process. (Quick wrap-up point for this, with all that said, an open relationship doesn't give you the excuse to be a whore. :T Being open with good, close friends is one thing, but being open with everyone is an entirely different thing. Just pointing that out because I figure someone will probably bring it up.)
.: Effects of Being Home Again :.
Ugh, where to begin.. I feel like I'm rotting away here.. It's mostly my fault in the end, but that's not something I feel like getting into at the moment.. There's so much I need to be doing, but I can't bring myself to do it for some damn reason or another. I'm not about to make excuses for myself, but I can't help feeling having a severe lack of motivation and the mild onset of some damn depression or whatever really isn't helping my cause any. Really, I feel utterly defeated, being stuck here again. I want to get out of here, but I'm having so much trouble picking myself off the floor, and I don't know why.. Being here is slowly killing me from the inside out.. I feel so isolated.. I don't really have any of my own friends local to my hometown area anymore, and it really sucks.. In the long run, I just need out.. I need out of this god-forsaken state, with a job and my own place, and rebuild my social life from scratch, among other things..
.: Of Self and Gender :.
Loosely connected to the last subject, in that being home means that I basically have to suppress myself. I can't exactly be myself around my family, considering the way things are around here. Furry is the easy one. I don't necessarily get into furry stuff around other people unless I'm hanging with other furries anyway. Me being gay is a little more difficult. While things with that have gotten much better over the years (while not necessarily horrific or anything, that's a long story in and of itself), my dad still expects me to stay quiet about it. The thing that's the hardest for me right now is the more recent issue of my gender identity. Within the last year or so, I've started really looking into myself in regards to this. This whole thing is more of a subject for it's own journal or private discussion, but to shorten it up, for now I see myself more or less as genderqueer, and still wanting to continue to explore myself with this. However, that's something I'm actually rather scared to even hint at around this household, so that brings me at a complete standstill.. In short, it's basically like hiding behind a mold while Im here at home..
.: Non-Traditional Love and Relationships :.
This one isn't really depressing like the last two subjects, just me in deep thought, sort of. It's also things that I've been thinking about a fair amount over the last several years. Just to say it straight up right off the bat, I've grown to prefer an open relationship. That said, that doesn't mean I love the person I'm with any less. On the contrary, I love my mate Retsueto very much, and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I've just felt more and more that, as we both have close friends we care a great deal for, we should both be able to share our love with them. It's kind of hard to put my thoughts and feelings on all this into words, but really, I feel that an open relationship can flourish and grow, in that the love you share grows stronger as you bring it back together at the end of the day. As long as you're open, honest, and trusting with your partner, I don't see why you can't enjoy close times with a close friend, then share that with your partner, maybe even getting to try new things in the process. (Quick wrap-up point for this, with all that said, an open relationship doesn't give you the excuse to be a whore. :T Being open with good, close friends is one thing, but being open with everyone is an entirely different thing. Just pointing that out because I figure someone will probably bring it up.)
