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Jack of All Trades, Master of None.
12 years ago
I am finding, with increasing consistency, how well this phrase seems to apply to me. In many occasions it has served me well - I have been able to learn new talents and skills without too much difficulty, ranging from musical instruments to sports to programming, so long as I've had the time, patience and dedication to devote to it. Some things I've gotten pretty good at, as well. However, as I reflect on myself with more experience in my life, I suspect I am finding a flaw in this 'quality' of mine.
I find myself jealous or wistful, wishing that I had the motivation to dedicate to a single talent and bring that to full fruition within myself. However, I find myself second guessing myself constantly, often losing that motivation to pursue a goal as my self-doubts intervene - my desires are whimsical and fickle, perhaps. Or perhaps I cannot build confidence in myself.
I find that I spread myself too thin among my friends - this has been the quality about myself that I absolutely abhor. It will lead me to, at times, inadvertently ignore or outright deceive some of my closest friends in order to appease a smattering of other acquaintances; I nearly lost a dear friend once already to this awful habit of mine and I still heavily regret it, to this day. I am hoping that I can break myself of it, but I doubt I could ever forgive myself if I lost a friend because of it.
I find myself alone, more often than not. I do have friends in the scant few online communities I frequent, but I constantly wonder that it will be the only extent of a relationship I can attain. It is a lingering fear that I will continue to live my life as such, only passing casual conversation with those I can keep at the distance of a computer monitor, never able to open myself to another.
Now, I know this sounds very grim and dark and I promise you that Depeche Mode isn't playing in the background. And yes, I am actually wearing colors other than black. Rest assured, I am merely venting my frustrations at myself in the hopes that those of you who might read this can hopefully relate and be assured that yes, a lot of us wander through life as though lost.
But just remember your Tolkien, folks.
"Not all who wander are lost."
I find myself jealous or wistful, wishing that I had the motivation to dedicate to a single talent and bring that to full fruition within myself. However, I find myself second guessing myself constantly, often losing that motivation to pursue a goal as my self-doubts intervene - my desires are whimsical and fickle, perhaps. Or perhaps I cannot build confidence in myself.
I find that I spread myself too thin among my friends - this has been the quality about myself that I absolutely abhor. It will lead me to, at times, inadvertently ignore or outright deceive some of my closest friends in order to appease a smattering of other acquaintances; I nearly lost a dear friend once already to this awful habit of mine and I still heavily regret it, to this day. I am hoping that I can break myself of it, but I doubt I could ever forgive myself if I lost a friend because of it.
I find myself alone, more often than not. I do have friends in the scant few online communities I frequent, but I constantly wonder that it will be the only extent of a relationship I can attain. It is a lingering fear that I will continue to live my life as such, only passing casual conversation with those I can keep at the distance of a computer monitor, never able to open myself to another.
Now, I know this sounds very grim and dark and I promise you that Depeche Mode isn't playing in the background. And yes, I am actually wearing colors other than black. Rest assured, I am merely venting my frustrations at myself in the hopes that those of you who might read this can hopefully relate and be assured that yes, a lot of us wander through life as though lost.
But just remember your Tolkien, folks.
"Not all who wander are lost."
my brother is very similar to how you described this. he had many friends but none were really close... he had issues with depression at times cause of it... all i can say is put yourself out there? just have fun try not to linger on what you CANT do and just rejoice in what you CAN do XD thats why i try not to give up in art... i can only get better. and even if there isnt something you want to spend a lifetime doing you can have many projects you can spend a lifetime tinkering in and enjoying ^^ there isnt anything wrong with getting good at a bunch of things i wish I could do that ya know... but yeah ^^ just wait and see youll open up one day and find someone special ^^ and enjoy all your projects!
Depression isn't something you can distract yourself from, nor is it an affliction that can be beaten by sheer will. It is a heavy, dark and overwhelming blanket of emotion that clings to you on a near physiological level - you just have an unshakable sense of dread that brings up every negative memory it can until it passes. If it passes.
But regardless! Thank you for the kind words; I try to keep my head up whenever I can, and I still keep a tiny sliver of hope saved away.
I know you already have lots of great friends that you can talk to about your problems. Hopefully one day, you'll trust me enough to ad my name to that list. Until then, just know that we understand how you feel...<3 I'm...not sure what else to say, since we're not close pals, but I can't help but feel your pain, Kyo. And believe me, do I feel it.
I wouldn't trade the friends I've made for anything in the world, of course. I've been able to open up to them in ways I've never had the chance to when I was growing up and excessively angst-ridden. It helps a ton to have friends like that, and I am extremely happy to have been gifted with the few I have.
Perhaps some day, yeah! I am never adverse to new friends, of course.
Either way, I appreciate that you pour your mind and soul here to public eyes for it is somehow reassuring (at least to me) to find others with similar issues and concerns. Take good care and be well.
I suppose that's one of the defining traits about my 'sona, what with him being an extraterrestrial - I often feel foreign, alone and exploring a vast, uncharted universe of things I really feel a part of; but sometimes, I can find the little niches of existence where I am accepted and comfortable among others.
Oh and since you mentioned 'verse.
"...Take me out to the black, tell them I ain't comin' back. Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me!..."
OKAY SERIOUSNESS.
I'm consistently thankful that you and I were able to get past those few moments that our personalities have butted heads. You're a rad mofo, and I value our friendship incredibly highly. I suspect my little rantfest earlier inspired this to a certain extent, so if it ended up souring the mood of the day, I'm quite sorry about that. Thanks again for listening, by the way -- and know that my ear is always open for the same. If you need a wall to yammer at, you know where to go.
I cannot express the dread I felt those times I disappointed you, knowing how badly I fucked up and inadvertently almost ruined our friendship. I am deeply thankful that you have had the patience and forgiveness to stick by me all this time, even despite all my glaring flaws.
You never fail to make me smile. Thank you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ww5GXbk58R0
I'd like to say that it's only natural for you to enjoy the feeling of starting something new and the 'newness' feeling is fantastic. Just like Kyowai! Fantastic friend :D I know we don't have many deep conversations but as always you've got a friend in me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHFy3YWpRx8
It doesn't sound dark at all honestly, just sounds like you need to find yourself again. Continue trying new things then as always, double back on the one that you find the most enjoyable!
Tried to get in touch with you on messengers again after your birthday but you never did reply, so look me up sometime.