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Addendum: Contemplating My Future In This Fandom
12 years ago
I know. I'm supposed to be leaving. But ... Got struck with a sudden REALLY overwhelming wave of despair/depression, with a lot of negative thoughts attached to it, so ... here we go.
Never thought I'd be the one to write up something like this, but ... I'm not sure if I can stay in the furry fandom. I ... I really don't know. I've had my doubts about sticking around before, and all the reasons why I shouldn't even bother, but something always talks me out of it, and the desire to leave passes, and that's that. But now ... I'm actually trying very, VERY hard to talk myself into -staying-.
It's not just the recent thing over on FD_2 and here. It's a lot of similar situations TO it ... but it's not just today.
I just ... I feel like ever since my sordid involvement with WYS, I've been ... marked. Like ever since then, ANY negative thing I say/do is going to be followed by "Oh, that's just more Syn bullshit, she's always like that, whatta dramawhore!". No matter how long i go without causing any waves, trying to keep my nose clean, trying to even do some GOOD in the fandom ,rather than bad ... all of that is hardly worth a passing glance. The only time I'm noticed at all is when I have an off day, or I'm going through something that makes me just a -touch- too sensitive ... then all of a sudden, it feels like all eyes are on me, followed by a plethora of "Oh, there she goes again! See? She always does that!" No matter HOW long I've been good ... it could be MONTHS at a time, where I not only stay out of trouble, but i eve try to HELP people, instead of just rant about something that pisses me off. Does anyone are about that? No. The ONLY time anyone even -remembers- I'm here is when I have a bad day. And then it feels like everyone thinks I'm ALWAYS like that. Like it's the ONLY thing I've ever been known for.
It makes me feel like, no matter what positive influence I could ever try and have on this fandom, unless I'm this perfect cheery ball of sunshine 24/7 ... I'm only ever going to be associated with bad things. That THAT is my only legacy. I just ... I don't know if I can handle having to stand up and defend myself from all the people going "you're always that way, you never change" whenever I have a bad mood and I accidentily put my food in my mouth. Sure, it doesn't happen all THAT often (thank god), but ... I think that's what makes it so demoralizing/discouraging. That no matter what ... so many people are ready and eager to think the worst of me. Like I'll always be that horrid beast from the days of WYS. It just feels so hopeless. Like I'm going to spend the rest of my days in this fandom fighting an impossible losing battle.
And I don't know if I have the emotional strength to keep fighting it, if this is how it's always going to be.
I'm hurting SO bad right now ... I had so many AMAZING things planned to do within this fandom this year ... things I've been dreaming about for YEARS that are now FINALLY possible for me, and now ... now I don't know where to go from here. If any of it will matter. Because in the end ... I don't think ANYTHING I could ever do will ever shake that old reputation. Unless I never have a single argument again (impossible) or never get angry again a single day in my life (also impossible), there's always going to be a BUNCH of people out there ready and waiting to use it as justification that I haven't changed at all.
I went through -literal- hell to live down the nightmare that was the days of WYS. Very few people know JUST how bad i struggled with that. Trying to reform myself. Distancing myself from poisonous people. Repairing so many burnt bridges. Taking -so- much hate and abuse by those who were convinced I'd always be the same old monster. But I took it. I took it all, because I convinced myself that when it was all said and done, I'd finally be back into a GOOD position within this fandom, and those dark days would just be another distant memory to learn from and grow past ... but I'm beginning to see that isn't the case. The person that I was in WYS is still a ghost that haunts me even to this day. I can't shake it...
I know that I'm really opinionated and loud-mouthed about things I'm passionate about, but ... I'm NOT the horrible beast so many people want to believe I am. When I see something wrong, I just ... i have to say something. Do something. I can't just idly stand by. And for awhile, I was being able to get involved and be proactive without being an abrasive bitch about it. I was happy. I was helping. I was doing GOOD, while still letting my voice be heard within the fandom. And I'd hoped that others were finally beginning to see that I'd changed for the better. But even at my best ... I still have my off days. I'm still recovering from a lot of deep-rooted psychological traumas. I try not to drag them up a lot, because i don't want to be a source of pity and revulsion, but I do still struggle from time to time. I have bad days. And sometimes on those bad days, my temper gets away with me and I mess up. And when that happens ... THAT'S the only time anyone ever speaks up about me. Not 'Wow, Syn handled that debate really well the other day!" or "Did you guys see that argument that Syn mediated between those two guys on FA? That was pretty cool." No. Nobody EVER says that. The only time my name is brought up and discussed is on those bad days. It's hard to take, after struggling so much to do things right. It's almost TOO much to take, after awhile. And today I finally cracked.
I just feel REALLY hopeless right now. I just don't see a way forward from here, and that leaves me ... REALLY crushed. Like I said, I had huge plans for this years. I was finally going to start making my first REAL personal suit. and see if i had what it takes to launch a suit-making business. I was finally going to start going to more local meets and cons, to be more proactive within the Florida furry community. And if things evolved from there, possibly even start attending out-of-state fur cons again, and branch out. But now ... now it feels hopeless. The only thoughts I keep having over and over again is "What would be the point?" "How will that REALLY change anything?"
So ... I'm welcome to any and all feedback at this point, because I feel like I'm dangling at the end of a very frayed rope...
Never thought I'd be the one to write up something like this, but ... I'm not sure if I can stay in the furry fandom. I ... I really don't know. I've had my doubts about sticking around before, and all the reasons why I shouldn't even bother, but something always talks me out of it, and the desire to leave passes, and that's that. But now ... I'm actually trying very, VERY hard to talk myself into -staying-.
It's not just the recent thing over on FD_2 and here. It's a lot of similar situations TO it ... but it's not just today.
I just ... I feel like ever since my sordid involvement with WYS, I've been ... marked. Like ever since then, ANY negative thing I say/do is going to be followed by "Oh, that's just more Syn bullshit, she's always like that, whatta dramawhore!". No matter how long i go without causing any waves, trying to keep my nose clean, trying to even do some GOOD in the fandom ,rather than bad ... all of that is hardly worth a passing glance. The only time I'm noticed at all is when I have an off day, or I'm going through something that makes me just a -touch- too sensitive ... then all of a sudden, it feels like all eyes are on me, followed by a plethora of "Oh, there she goes again! See? She always does that!" No matter HOW long I've been good ... it could be MONTHS at a time, where I not only stay out of trouble, but i eve try to HELP people, instead of just rant about something that pisses me off. Does anyone are about that? No. The ONLY time anyone even -remembers- I'm here is when I have a bad day. And then it feels like everyone thinks I'm ALWAYS like that. Like it's the ONLY thing I've ever been known for.
It makes me feel like, no matter what positive influence I could ever try and have on this fandom, unless I'm this perfect cheery ball of sunshine 24/7 ... I'm only ever going to be associated with bad things. That THAT is my only legacy. I just ... I don't know if I can handle having to stand up and defend myself from all the people going "you're always that way, you never change" whenever I have a bad mood and I accidentily put my food in my mouth. Sure, it doesn't happen all THAT often (thank god), but ... I think that's what makes it so demoralizing/discouraging. That no matter what ... so many people are ready and eager to think the worst of me. Like I'll always be that horrid beast from the days of WYS. It just feels so hopeless. Like I'm going to spend the rest of my days in this fandom fighting an impossible losing battle.
And I don't know if I have the emotional strength to keep fighting it, if this is how it's always going to be.
I'm hurting SO bad right now ... I had so many AMAZING things planned to do within this fandom this year ... things I've been dreaming about for YEARS that are now FINALLY possible for me, and now ... now I don't know where to go from here. If any of it will matter. Because in the end ... I don't think ANYTHING I could ever do will ever shake that old reputation. Unless I never have a single argument again (impossible) or never get angry again a single day in my life (also impossible), there's always going to be a BUNCH of people out there ready and waiting to use it as justification that I haven't changed at all.
I went through -literal- hell to live down the nightmare that was the days of WYS. Very few people know JUST how bad i struggled with that. Trying to reform myself. Distancing myself from poisonous people. Repairing so many burnt bridges. Taking -so- much hate and abuse by those who were convinced I'd always be the same old monster. But I took it. I took it all, because I convinced myself that when it was all said and done, I'd finally be back into a GOOD position within this fandom, and those dark days would just be another distant memory to learn from and grow past ... but I'm beginning to see that isn't the case. The person that I was in WYS is still a ghost that haunts me even to this day. I can't shake it...
I know that I'm really opinionated and loud-mouthed about things I'm passionate about, but ... I'm NOT the horrible beast so many people want to believe I am. When I see something wrong, I just ... i have to say something. Do something. I can't just idly stand by. And for awhile, I was being able to get involved and be proactive without being an abrasive bitch about it. I was happy. I was helping. I was doing GOOD, while still letting my voice be heard within the fandom. And I'd hoped that others were finally beginning to see that I'd changed for the better. But even at my best ... I still have my off days. I'm still recovering from a lot of deep-rooted psychological traumas. I try not to drag them up a lot, because i don't want to be a source of pity and revulsion, but I do still struggle from time to time. I have bad days. And sometimes on those bad days, my temper gets away with me and I mess up. And when that happens ... THAT'S the only time anyone ever speaks up about me. Not 'Wow, Syn handled that debate really well the other day!" or "Did you guys see that argument that Syn mediated between those two guys on FA? That was pretty cool." No. Nobody EVER says that. The only time my name is brought up and discussed is on those bad days. It's hard to take, after struggling so much to do things right. It's almost TOO much to take, after awhile. And today I finally cracked.
I just feel REALLY hopeless right now. I just don't see a way forward from here, and that leaves me ... REALLY crushed. Like I said, I had huge plans for this years. I was finally going to start making my first REAL personal suit. and see if i had what it takes to launch a suit-making business. I was finally going to start going to more local meets and cons, to be more proactive within the Florida furry community. And if things evolved from there, possibly even start attending out-of-state fur cons again, and branch out. But now ... now it feels hopeless. The only thoughts I keep having over and over again is "What would be the point?" "How will that REALLY change anything?"
So ... I'm welcome to any and all feedback at this point, because I feel like I'm dangling at the end of a very frayed rope...
After some time in my thoughts, I feel we all have a place within the fandom and it cannot simply be abandoned, despite ones reputation.
I also wanted to leave, but I found it better to keep in the shadows and bide my time.
Our time to leave the fandom will come on its own, or until we find ourselves on the back end of a ban hammer. Hahah.
Where outside of the furry fandom can I be that way, without ridicule...?
My struggle is to stay IN the fandom, not try and break away. I'm holding on as hard as I can, but my grasp is slipping. >_<;;
Keeping those things that make you "Synwolf" will forever immortalize the fandom further.
Until we all some how drop the things that make us "furry" or until the day the last person with such interests dies, the fandom will continue to exist.
Sure you can't act the way you want outside of here, but you know there are others out there who will accept it.
I don't think you are trying to leave the "fandom" as a whole, but leave the area of such negativity.
Which I think would be this site.
Am I saying you should leave the site? No. That's for you to figure out.
I could be wrong in everything said above, but I'm just thinking outside the box.
Something to mull over during my hiatus. Thank you ... I really mean it.
Do I still cause shit? Or get involved in it? Damn right I do. But I've been trying to be less....ridiculing about it I guess?
Maybe take a hiatus for a while, clear your head. And maybe follow in Silver's footsteps and avoid the drama. I know..it's hard to resist, I've tried. Especially when it's something incredibly stupid that you feel you just NEED to comment on. But it's possible :3
I have a lot of opinions, I am passionate, and I don't take people's shit.
A lot of people might be annoyed at me, but I also have a lot of important friends and a nice fan base. :) It's all what you make it.
But you know what? fuck them.
Stay in the fandom for everyone that likes you, there's way more of them, you just don't hear them because it's easier to rant on someone than to thank them.
Though I know I don't help too much at times because I'll tell you about something or another that happens. Which I know doesn't really help anything. Though in all honest I do consider you to be like a sister to me. Which I've rarely said anything like that to anyone. In part because you know the good luck I tend to have with people and "friends". ^^; But I do hope you can clear your head of everything and kind of balance things out. At least to a degree anyways. Either way you have my number and you know you can shoot me a text if you need to or even talk on the phone at some point again.
I've been in situations in this fandom that never did me any favors. I've been the cause and I've been part of the cause, and most of the time, the cause has been others but have still been taken out on me. I learnt to step back with my hands up and just say 'its not worth it'. And these days I keep to myself. I keep personal stuff OFF of FA, I don't voice my opinions or concerns unless I can calmly and collectively speak them without drama happening, and I just keep to myself. The problem with this fandom is that most of the time, everyone is out for themselves. No one cares about you, or your problems. If you have a headache, they have a brain tumor. Step on one small crack and all hell breaks lose, and its /your/ fault, whatever the cause. Your past will ALWAYS be shoved in your face, no matter what you do or say. I know that all too well, and no matter what I do, its still brought up, and its still thrown around in petty drama filled puss pools in places such as here and Lulz.
My advice is to just completely cut yourself off from anything personal to do with this site in particular. I'm not saying become an emotionless zombie, but.. well, it helps. And people will leave you alone because you're not speaking your mind, you're not saying anything to rile them up. If you're passionate about speaking your mind, keep it to places with people you know and trust (or just you know, use twitter or LJ, which is all I do now).
Drama is drama and it'll follow you so long as you keep fueling it, or keep going back to look at it. Sometimes it'll just follow you regardless, but thats when you learn to just shrug it off and keep going. Otherwise you'll never feel any peace in this fandom, and you'll never be happy with your involvement. It took a lot of shit for me to learn how to just accept it all and carry on. And it took a while for me to learn that the best policy is to just keep your mouth shut no matter what point you wish to prove. People in this fandom will always be there to twist it, mock it, belittle you, and be twats for the sake of being greedily little drama whores.
Just let go.
Sorry for the emo-ness, just ... REALLY downtrodden. RL depression was already getting a pretty solid grip around my neck, and getting online was my way of disconnecting from that, but now ... Now something that used to bring comfort and escape is -also- tainted. >_<;;
I still truly appreciate you bothering at all to take the time to write this all up ad offer so much encouragement and sound advice. Tho I don't think I'm deserving of it at all, I'm still extremely grateful.
This is one of the biggest reasons I decided to let go of all that crap. Because no matter what you do or say to anyone, if they are bent on hating you, they will. People will rip you to shreds, they will stamp on you, kick you while you're down, make you feel like NOTHING at all. I've been there enough times, and its not nice, I know. But you have to pull through it, because if you let petty shit like that get to you, you'll never be able to deal with it. The internet is full of horrid people. Even in close communities where you think you don't have a single enemy.. There will always be one person who dislikes you 'just because' they can. And believe me I have tried, and tried, and tried to make sense of it. I've tried talking to people, I've tried opening up and being honest, I've poured my heart out to them to show them I'm not a bad person, and that I'm not in this fandom just for money, or attention. But nothing ever changed. And if it did? It wasn't for long, because.. as much as I loath this saying, haters are gonna hate.
As for the furry drama community, they will always have opinions you won't want to hear. And they will always voice those opinions whether they care about you or not. Quite honestly I'd rather people be honest with me. And thats how I shuffle the line between friends, and people who are just 'there' and trying to be assholes for the sake of it. Which is another reason why I withdrew a little from here and keep myself from saying anything negative, showing any kind of emotion, arguing, complaining, whining, bitching etc. I say nothing unless its about my art, commissions and random updates.
Sorry for rambling, and sorry for going on, haha. But I DO understand, and I know how you feel. I've been there many times, especially when depression and anxiety/paranoia are on the cards constantly for me. I read too much into things which sets me off into a world of drama and self-torment. It doesn't help anyone. Just know you have friends, and people do care about you. You just need to learn to focus on them, rather than people in a community that you don't socialize with. People can be 'friendly' but the second they don't agree with you or share your opinion, they can turn into horrible people. Not all, but most.
Take care.
I don't really know what FD2 or WYS stands for and I don't know if you did anything bad in the past, but frankly its not something I care about either. I care more for how people are in the present then in the past, especially since people change and I don't find it fair to judge someone based on their past mistakes! :3 Sometimes people just need a break too so maybe thats what you need? Just some time away from the fandom for yourself before coming back? Sometimes a breather is just whats best! :3
And echoing muzz again; sometimes its best to not dirty your hands in drama because for some people they will just target you, and it can be very stressful if you have a bunch of people coming after you or pressing on you for details of the situation and such. :S
If you ever want to talk I will always lend an ear when I am able to! *hugs* But basically do what you feel in your heart is the best thing to do for now okay? :3
Sorry for the multiposting; I was thinking so much of what to type that I missed so much of what I was going to say as a whole....bleh lol ;3;
Who knows ... maybe if I expose myself more to the POSITIVE sides of the fandom--the things that made me get invovled in furry-ness to begin with--it might get me out of this "everyone in the fandom hates me" self-deprecating rut I've worked myself into.
Thank you. No really, SERIOUSLY thank you.