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Ugh...
12 years ago
I've successfully worked myself sick again. x.=.x I can't sleep properly, I've been depressed to the point of saying repeatedly "I wish I were dead," I cry over everything, and I have stressed myself out so badly I couldn't even make a phone call. I've had a mild fever off and on, my skin hurts (random places randomly coming and going, no rash or anything like that - just painful to anything touching it, including clothes, blankets, and moving air), I've been so cold I've been hiding under a blanket - and will still be cold even though it's 73 in here, my muscles ache, and I can barely stay awake. I barely slept last night, my tooth is killing me again, and I woke up having heart palpitations. Joy. Oh, and last night I dreamed Dad came back and said he wasn't dead. That they just thought he was, but he managed to wake up and get their attention before they buried his coffin. Ha... Ha ha... I cried hardcore when I woke up. Then I dreamed his Pomeranian Mandy was still alive and we had to go rescue her from the house. I miss her too. ;.=.; I had a few other dreams I don't remember. I think I woke up every half hour last night, and a few times it took me hours to go back to sleep. -.=.-; Am so completely exhausted, and I don't have time to rest and can't sleep at night. x.=.x
I see the doctor on Monday to recheck my arthritis and whatnot. I have a huge list of things to talk to him about, but I'm afraid if I take a list in he'll say I'm just crazy like the last doctor did. But if I don't take a list, I'll forget something important. I have memory problems, and I hate talking about my issues. Besides that, I tend to get carried away talking about one issue and forget about something more important. =< What to do? I see my therapist today. Maybe she can give me some advice. x.=.x
Also, I finally got logged out of InkBunny. That account is inactive and inaccessible until I -hopefully- get my email back. I went to the ATT store who said they couldn't do anything and gave me a phone number to call. He straight up told me I would be on the phone for hours and would have to scream at them for them to do anything at all to fix it. I don't feel like it and making phone calls in general upsets me. So I haven't done it yet. I hope to feel good enough to call them tomorrow. x.=.x
TL;DR: No art today, guys. Sorry. I'm sick again. x.=.x Maybe I'll be better tomorrow. Gotta spend all afternoon finishing clearing out the bedrooms at Dad's house. -.=.-;
I see the doctor on Monday to recheck my arthritis and whatnot. I have a huge list of things to talk to him about, but I'm afraid if I take a list in he'll say I'm just crazy like the last doctor did. But if I don't take a list, I'll forget something important. I have memory problems, and I hate talking about my issues. Besides that, I tend to get carried away talking about one issue and forget about something more important. =< What to do? I see my therapist today. Maybe she can give me some advice. x.=.x
Also, I finally got logged out of InkBunny. That account is inactive and inaccessible until I -hopefully- get my email back. I went to the ATT store who said they couldn't do anything and gave me a phone number to call. He straight up told me I would be on the phone for hours and would have to scream at them for them to do anything at all to fix it. I don't feel like it and making phone calls in general upsets me. So I haven't done it yet. I hope to feel good enough to call them tomorrow. x.=.x
TL;DR: No art today, guys. Sorry. I'm sick again. x.=.x Maybe I'll be better tomorrow. Gotta spend all afternoon finishing clearing out the bedrooms at Dad's house. -.=.-;
Chorus:
"That’s the only way I know
Don’t stop 'til everything’s gone
Straight ahead, never turn round
Don’t back up, don’t back down
Full throttle, wide open
You get tired and you don’t show it
Dig a little deeper when you think you can’t dig no more
That’s the only way I know"
(Full lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jaso.....ywayiknow.html )
That's just... Kinda how I've always been, you know? It hurts to be awake. It hurts to get out of bed in the morning. Hell, breathing hurts. But I gotta do it, so I do it. If I don't get my ass out of bed in the morning, the animals won't get fed or walked, Eevee won't get fed and changed and whatever, and the apartment will be even more of a mess. I love my husband to death, but I spend more time cleaning up behind him than he spends helping with anything. He works 8-10 hours a day. I respect that. But I work 24 hours a day. I dream of what to do tomorrow... At least when I'm not dreaming about what I wish I could do tomorrow. >.=.>; I had another dream about getting my cockatiels, canary, and hamsters back. ;.=.; The cockatiels got given away after I owned them for almost 20 years, and the canaries and hamsters are all long dead. -.=.-; We don't need more pets. We already have FIVE in our 2-room apartment. But I miss them all the same. u.=.u I should finish that scribble I did of all the family and pets I've lost and post it up. >.=.> It's on a long to-do list when I don't have commissions, which is a rare time anymore since I keep them open and I have a wait list for my wait list. o.=.O;
I see Life is trying to make it harder for you, but don't let grief win! We all have our gold pot in the end of the rainbow! :)
My therapist's other comments were that she was glad I -survived- this long, because it was more than she expected and that my estimate of being in a wheelchair by 40 (something I used to say as a teen because of the bone spurs in my feet) was probably too high (as in, it's very possibly I'll be in a wheelchair permanently by the end of the year). x.=.x She did compliment me that my daughter is doing fine; I practically don't eat and can't sleep at night, but at least she's still fed and happy. -.=.-;
...I don't even know very well what to say...
...living for you is a permanent test to your resilience. and you never give up.
when people complain too much I feel tempted to tell them your case. you're really an example of human will, and how the only limits that outline our life are the ones we impose to ourselves. that's the real definition of courage
I need to be working on this comic, but I really want to draw more tribals and some stuff for myself... But... They've been waiting since like November and I'm only on page 2 of 6. x.=.x -sigh- Must finish comic. Then work on my art. >.=.<
I was wondering what makes you happy, what makes you see something in tomorrow. Your daughter, your art, your music...or simply positive attitude?
I suppose the most positive way to put it would be that I keep going because I refuse to be defeated. Big, strong dragon and all that. Admittedly, it seems like it's getting harder to fight it every day. x.=.x
I have fibromyalgia to add to my list of problems now too, and now I'm taking several new expensive prescriptions. x.=.x
Sorry to disagree but...I don't think I want to keep alive because I'm afraid of death. Well...there's some natural, instinctive apprehension because we don't know what's coming next, but that's absolutely normal, like Penguin said on Batman Returns, it's very hard to control human's fear of the unknown. I try to see as much joy as I can in every aspect of life. I think I want to keep alive because I'm kinda...joy addicted. First thing that comes to mind when I think why I want to keep alive isn't "well because I'm afraid of dying", it's more like "life's good, and I want some more of it!"
This Winter I had a couple of...very scary experiences. At the time I really thought that was it. That I was breathing my very last breaths. And I know this will sound very movie-like but...a very calm feeling fulfilled my body. I accepted it. I was conscious at the time that in a few minutes life would be drained outta my body, but I wasn't fearing death. I was just thankful for the quality time it was conceded to me...and I was pity for not having the chance of enjoying life for more years, like the majority has the chance to do. Lots of pity, but no fear...maybe that was just my mood at the time. Maybe. If that's the case, I hope to recover it for the real deal! xD