I hate to talk about this i hoped it was something id never have to experience again, yesterday in a discussion with a furson up here we got into how hard a time ive been having finding work and some how go to the point that he referred to my learning disability as an excuse. when i originally left massachusetts one of the resons i left was to go somewhere where i wouldnt be constantly judged becuase i was slower than others, i couldnt do what others could do or learn things as fast or the way others do. i have a.d.d attention defecit disorder, now people have said to me oh i have it to and im fine or it doesnt give me any issues or little issues and thats ok the thing is what people dont understand is just like any condition or medical issue it can vary from person to person to how light or heavy it is or how minimal or severe it is. things for me have never been easy i cant focus as good as most im constantly stressed out which makes my focusing even worse. what makes it even more difficult is i also have a heart condition that limits me from taking any a.d.d meds that work i went through an upwards of 50 different meds all of which when taken set my heart off into an attackacardia which is rapid heart beat im left having to just deal with a.d.d as is, i grew up from when i was in elmentary school till the time i was in college constatly being judged becuase of my learning disability that i should be able to do things like others can or learn they way others can people dont understand what its like to be in my shoes. for most people they can read a school book or any teaching manuscript and there mind can soak it in easily and learn from it, my mind doesnt work that way i read something and it just passes through me ive had that issue all through my life no matter what course it was or book i speak of this becuase recently i was offered by a friend to be trained to do his job basically working on websites and servers he gave me alot to read up on and videos to watch which i have repeatedly several times nothing sinks in everytime i go over it its like its brand new to my mind. they way i learn is by hands on i ahve to be shown how to do something step by step sometimes multiple times then do it myself and alot of times in the pat people havent had a lot of patience with me and have grown frustrated which is why im hestitant to do stuff like that. this friend has alot of fast paced work is often very busy for several days at a time. another friend offered to have me work in his coal mine with him i cant do that ive applied before unfortunatly i have a few medical issues that limit me one being asthma twp being attack cardi and three not many people know about i have a birth defect where im missing the central bone in my chest i was born with my chest caved in it was repaired to an extent when i was young but has given me breathing and heart issues namely the attack acardia all my life add in the recent surgery to my abdomen i am not fully healed and have issues from it as well i do not meet the health requirements to work in that field. i have however been apllying everywhere both by going out and online to everywhere any anywhere i feel i have the ability to the job there looking for people for everyday. i live stressed out doing my hardest at finding a job that i can costantly applying constantly looking to the best of my abilities. with it i live scared i feel that my friend and my roommate look at me in a a light as being a failure and lazy just beucase im different then them and not at a pace they are or able to focus or understand things as good as they can. i live in fear ill be toosed out and asked to leave because of it. my health has also been affected by my stress ive been sick alot more ive had a few episodes of attackacardia more often. I dont hate my friend for the way he thinks i dont like the word hate or have it in my heart but i dont really wanna be around him anymore either. when i went down south to alabama for the first time in my life i felt like an equal no one judged me or saw me as being different they communicated with me and saw me as being the same as anyone else i felt normal for the first time in my life, i still had issues at places i worked but werent as bad as they ahd been up north. since coming up to west virginia ive felt like an outcast half the time no matter how hard i work at fnding a job its not enough for the people around me and see me as being a failure. im constantly scared worried stressed.i have memory issues i forget names and screen names and get yelled at for it. even as i type this im in tears trying to collect my thoughts and type them out ive taken over two hours just typing this. these are my thoughts on the situation and how i feel and hopefully helps people understand me a little more. a learning disability is never an excuse its a medical condition and one some of us have to live with.

update on cons possibly fcn it would be a miracle though im hoping i can get a job before hand and ac for right now are what im shooting for