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Thoughts on life...
12 years ago
General
I graduated high school 16 years ago and started working shortly after that. I have had 2 brief periods of being laid off, both lasting about 10 months each. This means that for almost 15 years I have been working. What have I been doing? Tech Support and computer related services.
After graduating I started working in a computer store here locally that has now become a pretty big chain of computer stores, working in their first store and watching much of their expansion throughout Ontario. Many Canadians will no doubt be familiar with the name Canada Computers, well that is where I started off my career doing sales and occasionally doing support.
After 2 years there and watching it go from a small store here in Kingston to buying 2 warehouses and expanding to 5 of their retail locations, I left to become a Systems Administrator for a start-up Biotech Software Company called Molecular Mining. Much of what I did there I am not at liberty to talk about, but needless to say I got a very amazing education from that, and it helped me. Needless to say, after 4 years, the VC's got cold feet and pulled the plug, so I was laid off.
I spent 10 months searching for a job and was finally able to get hired at the University here. I worked for 3 departments, the Biochemistry, Protein Function Discovery and Cancer Biology and Genetics departments. These were all "Wet labs" and I was working with some absolutely amazing minds doing incredible research. Most of my time was spent fixing their computers and getting the systems installed for them when they needed it. The lessons learned there were out of this world, and the machines I got to work on were staggering in their complexity and power. I enjoyed it so much.
After nearly 6 years there, I was informed that I was going to be downsized. It broke my boss's heart to have to come tell me that this was happening, and he had fought for me to stay there tooth and nail. With a heavy heart I left on my last day, and have missed it there every day since.
Another 10 months of looking and I got a job working in the Engineering department through my old boss from Molecular Mining. He was doing their systems support and they were looking for someone to do a temporary job there while someone was away on medical leave. I was happy to do it and got to do some amazing things in the short time I was there.
As I was working for them, I saw the job come up for the current position I am in within the Medical School. I leaped at the chance and was hired. This was 2 years ago and I have been learning a lot and working with technology I could only have dreamed of (and did dream of having years ago) every day.
Why am I bringing this up?
Because I am getting tired.
Tired of having my name lost to time.
The name Jason disappearing in favour of "The Computer Guy".
My given name is sometimes a mystery to people as they never have had to use it, they just know where to find me and ask for help or they are introduced to me as "The Computer Guy".
Identity Stripped...
I am tired of hearing my phone ring, and knowing that on the other end of the phone is a question or a problem in dire need of answering. A problem arises and people sink to their lowest, getting frustrated or angry and taking it out on me.
I am tired of knowing that I am only really thought of when there is a problem. "It isn't working, get Jason here" or "Oh look The Computer Guy is here".
I am tired of working within a department this size and no one knows who I am.
I am tired of only seeing people on the worst day of their life, swooping in to save the day, only for a "Thanks" or a "Finally".
I am tired of only getting emails that are a cry for help with a computer problem, or something that needs fixing YESTERDAY!
I am tired of having a knock at my door only being an emergency, having to leave my lunch behind to help with a problem that can't wait.
I am tired of going home to my shitty apartment only to get a phone call or a text or an email from friends or family looking for more help.
Mostly I am just tired of being the one who fixes it all, who helps endlessly, who does what needs to be done.
To hear only the bad, never the good.
To be thought of as the one who will save them.
For nearly 15 years... I have been this nameless, faceless thing.
The one who makes you whole again.
Who brings your email back.
Who finds that lost document.
The one who then goes back to his office when he is done and waits for the next email, phone call, or knock on the door, hoping it won't come when I have just sat down.
When will I get the chance....
To fix me?
This is not a cry for help, it is mearly a call in the dark. A shouting from the void.
After graduating I started working in a computer store here locally that has now become a pretty big chain of computer stores, working in their first store and watching much of their expansion throughout Ontario. Many Canadians will no doubt be familiar with the name Canada Computers, well that is where I started off my career doing sales and occasionally doing support.
After 2 years there and watching it go from a small store here in Kingston to buying 2 warehouses and expanding to 5 of their retail locations, I left to become a Systems Administrator for a start-up Biotech Software Company called Molecular Mining. Much of what I did there I am not at liberty to talk about, but needless to say I got a very amazing education from that, and it helped me. Needless to say, after 4 years, the VC's got cold feet and pulled the plug, so I was laid off.
I spent 10 months searching for a job and was finally able to get hired at the University here. I worked for 3 departments, the Biochemistry, Protein Function Discovery and Cancer Biology and Genetics departments. These were all "Wet labs" and I was working with some absolutely amazing minds doing incredible research. Most of my time was spent fixing their computers and getting the systems installed for them when they needed it. The lessons learned there were out of this world, and the machines I got to work on were staggering in their complexity and power. I enjoyed it so much.
After nearly 6 years there, I was informed that I was going to be downsized. It broke my boss's heart to have to come tell me that this was happening, and he had fought for me to stay there tooth and nail. With a heavy heart I left on my last day, and have missed it there every day since.
Another 10 months of looking and I got a job working in the Engineering department through my old boss from Molecular Mining. He was doing their systems support and they were looking for someone to do a temporary job there while someone was away on medical leave. I was happy to do it and got to do some amazing things in the short time I was there.
As I was working for them, I saw the job come up for the current position I am in within the Medical School. I leaped at the chance and was hired. This was 2 years ago and I have been learning a lot and working with technology I could only have dreamed of (and did dream of having years ago) every day.
Why am I bringing this up?
Because I am getting tired.
Tired of having my name lost to time.
The name Jason disappearing in favour of "The Computer Guy".
My given name is sometimes a mystery to people as they never have had to use it, they just know where to find me and ask for help or they are introduced to me as "The Computer Guy".
Identity Stripped...
I am tired of hearing my phone ring, and knowing that on the other end of the phone is a question or a problem in dire need of answering. A problem arises and people sink to their lowest, getting frustrated or angry and taking it out on me.
I am tired of knowing that I am only really thought of when there is a problem. "It isn't working, get Jason here" or "Oh look The Computer Guy is here".
I am tired of working within a department this size and no one knows who I am.
I am tired of only seeing people on the worst day of their life, swooping in to save the day, only for a "Thanks" or a "Finally".
I am tired of only getting emails that are a cry for help with a computer problem, or something that needs fixing YESTERDAY!
I am tired of having a knock at my door only being an emergency, having to leave my lunch behind to help with a problem that can't wait.
I am tired of going home to my shitty apartment only to get a phone call or a text or an email from friends or family looking for more help.
Mostly I am just tired of being the one who fixes it all, who helps endlessly, who does what needs to be done.
To hear only the bad, never the good.
To be thought of as the one who will save them.
For nearly 15 years... I have been this nameless, faceless thing.
The one who makes you whole again.
Who brings your email back.
Who finds that lost document.
The one who then goes back to his office when he is done and waits for the next email, phone call, or knock on the door, hoping it won't come when I have just sat down.
When will I get the chance....
To fix me?
This is not a cry for help, it is mearly a call in the dark. A shouting from the void.
I defined too much of my self identity and self work on my vocation. I try to recognize that and view work as more of a means to an end. I still strive to be good at my job, still get too frustrated at circumstances I expect and can't fix. At the same time, I don't seek self fulfillment out of my job. There are many other aspects of my life where I can find that. The job merely pays my bills and allows me to make some friends.
Take solace in that you're good at what you do, regardless if others can't take their blinders off long enough to see it themselves. Take the money and run, living in the hours that belong to you.
You're barking completely and TOTALLY up the wrong tree, here.... or is that trying to climb up the wrong tree in the case of a panther?
Whatever....
Your work-life, to date, has been AMAZING to me! I never would have thought you knew all that you do - usually because I hardly know you outside of the little time we've interacted. But from what you've said, you learned a HELL of a lot, worked on dream machines, dealt with things that, obviously, were so high up the complexity scale you're all NDA'd up.... And guess what?
You don't matter worth spit.
And before you think I'm ragging on you, it's JUST the opposite! You don't matter.... to those you save the collective asses of; time and again you show that you are a 100% reliable EMT of technology. They come to you, knowing that YOU know how to fix what they don't fully understand. They dismiss your ability because. like with so many OTHER jobs, they think after the fact, "OH! It was just a couple of simple button taps and commands.... *I* could do that!"
Yeah - and like with an artist painting.... ANYONE can hold a brush and palette of paints in front of a canvas.... but what you DO with that to create sweeping masterpieces, the "HOW" that gets you from 'Blank Canvas' to 'Starry Night' is the magic held inside of the individual.
Those bosses you spoke of knew it in you. They liked you, worked with you, called on you, fought for you.....
And, still, even THEY don't matter, ultimately.
YOU do.
You, who is the Fireman of data, the Police Officer of intrusion detection, the Medic of virus control, the Drill Sargent of network cluster organization and resource management.....
You have only YOU to impress....
When do you get to work on you? Easy - Every Minute. All you need to do is realize just how DAMNED good you are at what you do and NOT be stepped over for it when you're NOT the EMT.
There is nothing wrong with telling people who want a free ride, "No..."
...and JUST for all this, I'll get you ANOTHER damned huge hug when I see you again!
My work has lead me in some incredible places and given me the chance to work on crazy things, I would not change that for the world. But it would be nice to have a roll outside of support in both work, and at home.
I love my job, but I do get tired and frustrated with it as well. You know the kind of stress I have in my life. I wish I could offer you a solution, but I don't even have one for myself. All I have is an understanding and compassion for what you're feeling. Feel free to vent to me any time you need.
The level of frustration with being in the support role is quite harsh as you know. But I hope that some day we both can get a chance to at least try to fix ourselves, even for just a little bit.
*hugs tight and licks*
Of course they forget that things are working well BECAUSE we are there and doing our jobs but that is another story altogether.
Always.
And forever.
Please remember that.
You were never EVER nameless or "The Computer Guy" to me.
You know what your name is.