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So, my grandma's dying.
12 years ago
General
If it seems like my FA journals are very depressing lately, it's because they are. Seems like a lot of FA users use their journals to vent these days. Well, it's my turn now.
My grandma recently got infected with pneumonia for the upteenth time, and the doctors doubt if she's gonna make it through the night this time. It's a bittersweet kinda thing. On the one hand, it's sad for obvious reasons. But on the other, she's just been so depressed after my grandpa died way back in 2004. She sold the house that she's lived in her whole life because it holds too many painful memories (a decision she later regretted), and she's been losing more and more of her sight and hearing over the last few years. She's practically blind, practically deaf, and she's always tired yet unable to sleep due to pain (pain of what, I don't really know. Never asked). So in a way, I'm actually kind of glad that her suffering will be over soon.
The whole thing's got me thinking about my own life. I remember this one time we were all visiting her at the nursing home for Thanksgiving. Grandma told me that one of the girls who works there asked about me after I've been visiting her a couple of times. AT the time I was kind of embarrassed about it. Then, in a later visit, she suggested that, if I was looking for a job, I should look into working for the nursing home. I suspected that she wanted me around more often, though now I wonder if maybe she was trying to play matchmaker with me and the mystery girl who supposedly asked about me. Kinda makes me want to apply for a job there even if Grandma doesn't make it; just to see if there was any truth to that.
Grandma once told me that she thinks God has a special purpose in mind for me. Well, I've never held a real job in my life, I just barely graduated from a Community College, and I've never had a girlfriend, nor am I likely to get one anytime soon. No doubt God is looking down on me with a scowl growling "Damn it, Jake. You had one job."
I sent in an application to volunteer at an animal shelter; I doubt they'll turn me away (cuz hey, free labor), and it's a good way to get desperately needed work experience. However, it's gonna take them a few weeks to process my application (mostly just a thorough background check. Gotta make sure I'm not a wanted criminal, or anything), so I'll continue being useless to society in the mean time
I think the root cause of my depression is doubt; doubt in my abilities, doubt in my attractiveness, just doubting myself in general. Hopefully working at Animal Services, being able to honestly say that I contribute to society in some way, should give me the confidence I need to get over my issues.
Grandma said that God put me on this planet for a reason. Trouble is, God didn't really tell me what that reason was. Guess it's something I'm gonna have to find out on my own.
Sorry if this journal seems a little scatter-brained. I just had some thoughts that I needed to write down.
My grandma recently got infected with pneumonia for the upteenth time, and the doctors doubt if she's gonna make it through the night this time. It's a bittersweet kinda thing. On the one hand, it's sad for obvious reasons. But on the other, she's just been so depressed after my grandpa died way back in 2004. She sold the house that she's lived in her whole life because it holds too many painful memories (a decision she later regretted), and she's been losing more and more of her sight and hearing over the last few years. She's practically blind, practically deaf, and she's always tired yet unable to sleep due to pain (pain of what, I don't really know. Never asked). So in a way, I'm actually kind of glad that her suffering will be over soon.
The whole thing's got me thinking about my own life. I remember this one time we were all visiting her at the nursing home for Thanksgiving. Grandma told me that one of the girls who works there asked about me after I've been visiting her a couple of times. AT the time I was kind of embarrassed about it. Then, in a later visit, she suggested that, if I was looking for a job, I should look into working for the nursing home. I suspected that she wanted me around more often, though now I wonder if maybe she was trying to play matchmaker with me and the mystery girl who supposedly asked about me. Kinda makes me want to apply for a job there even if Grandma doesn't make it; just to see if there was any truth to that.
Grandma once told me that she thinks God has a special purpose in mind for me. Well, I've never held a real job in my life, I just barely graduated from a Community College, and I've never had a girlfriend, nor am I likely to get one anytime soon. No doubt God is looking down on me with a scowl growling "Damn it, Jake. You had one job."
I sent in an application to volunteer at an animal shelter; I doubt they'll turn me away (cuz hey, free labor), and it's a good way to get desperately needed work experience. However, it's gonna take them a few weeks to process my application (mostly just a thorough background check. Gotta make sure I'm not a wanted criminal, or anything), so I'll continue being useless to society in the mean time
I think the root cause of my depression is doubt; doubt in my abilities, doubt in my attractiveness, just doubting myself in general. Hopefully working at Animal Services, being able to honestly say that I contribute to society in some way, should give me the confidence I need to get over my issues.
Grandma said that God put me on this planet for a reason. Trouble is, God didn't really tell me what that reason was. Guess it's something I'm gonna have to find out on my own.
Sorry if this journal seems a little scatter-brained. I just had some thoughts that I needed to write down.
Your grandma's a wise lady. Never forget the little pearls of wisdom she gives ya, bro... they are, after all, her legacy, and what will remain once she shuffles off this mortal coil.
I lost a grandfather in 2008... but since I'm always using an old catchphrase of his or remembering something he taught me, it's like the old coot never left.
I wish I could say anything more.... but I've already said a lot to you... plus Anthos took what I would've probably said.
All the same, I'm sorry for the news... but, it's like what Anthos said, I lost MY Grandfather in 2001. He has never left my memory, all of them are still fond memories that I will treasure at all times of my life. He may not be of this world anymore, but he will never cease to exist.
The same with your Grandmother.