FA+
Shop
A 'Man'
17 years ago
~Warning~
This Journal includes;
-Bitching
-Complaining
-Emo-ness
-Lots o Drama
Okay I need to get something off my chest... So you've read the warnings, so please don't tell me to get over it. This is how I'm doing it.
A 'Man'. Whats it mean to you, and what do you think of? I personally, I never really knew what one was. I thought it was just an older guy. But then I started to read books and watch tv. A Man is someone who protects their family, he's strict, yet caring, loving, yet fatherly. A man is an ideal figure that doesn't exist in my life.
My father... /This is where DRAMA-BITCHING-Complaining come in/ He has diabetes, used to be a heavy drinker, still drinks though.
I remember when I was smaller I used to live on a farm, my dad would drink a push my mom around, I'd always be too scared since I was so young, to stand up. I can remember two events clearly in my mind. When he was in the kitchen with my mom, he pushed her into the corner and knocked to her down while he verbally and physically abused her.... I was in the front door that led into the large breeze way. I yelled at my dad. "Stop hitting mom!" I shouted. "What did you say?!" Next thing I knew I was sent flying back, off the two step stairs to the entrance to find myself laying on my back on the stone floor. I didn't know it back then, but I was being a man way back then. I also remember one moment he was drinking I was on my hands and knees cleaning up the mess he had made. A beer bottle was mere inches away from striking my head. Thats when I felt true fear of physical injury.
Over the years he's had seizures and my mom has saved him by giving him sugar and calling the ambulance. Every morning she wakes up to fix my dads breakfast and make his shot and make his lunch and find his clothes and get him ready for work. He can't wake up on his own. I admit I don't make her life any better, but such is the life of a once teenage boy. My mother had only recently bought a car, a way to get to point A to point B. Yet he yells at her telling her to tell him where she can and can't go. He has the 'right' to take away her keys. Even today... My Mother took my brother somewhere, he was shouting on the phone while I was in the living room when he told her. "Bitch if you don't come home in fifteen minutes, I'll be waiting outside with a bat!" A man would be waiting in the front yard with a baseball bat for his wife.... If the threat of physical injury wasn't enough, he shattered my Mothers Vase. it was her mother, and her mothers mothers. It was an heirloom that she cherished and he threw it against the fridge. Everyday seems to be like a living hell with him, I have constant thoughts of his death. He makes me feel so sick, I could just back into a corner and disappear. God only knows whats going on with my Mom, this is my role model, calls woman-bitches, Africans-Niggers. And not even five minutes after breaking my moms vase he called his friends to come over, and boy did his attitude change...
Really, I will do all I can to be a better Man then him... Can he even be called a man?
I'm sorry for those who didn't pay attention to my warning. You should have known better.
Henin
Nowhereintheglobe
Maxi-bun
Hang in there man. I know I could tell you about a whole bunch of people with the same problems but that's just therapist talk. What I will tell you is that , yes, you dad isn't a man and that yes, you have more balls then he does. Sticking up for one's self and your loved ones makes you more of a man then having 'big guns" on your arms and holdn' your liquor. Way to go Domi! XD
My dad was very tough, Air Force officer, pilot and businessman...all after being raised on a farm in a town so small that the school had one room until he went to HS. He yelled like a drill sargeant, cut our hair short, dealt out punishments and basically made us feel terrible about ourselves when we did something wrong...and sometimes even when we didn't.
But I never saw him sloppy drunk, he never let us see him argue with our mom, our worst fears were getting caught doing something stupid (like the time I built a Molotov cocktail and hid it the doghouse...he found it about ten minutes later and beat my ass til it glowed), we never worried about food or bills or clothes, and my brothers and I have never been arrested because we always weigh the consequences of our actions before we do something risky...cuz dad's voice echoes in our heads.
We all take care of ourselves and each other, we all look after our friends and loved ones, and we all work hard to conduct ourselves like gentlemen. We are men because he made us that way, and the things he said then were all true, never lies.
There is no fairness in the world that you don't make for yourself.
Quitters never win. Winners never quit.
All tears will get you is a wet floor.
Be whatever you want. Just be the very best at it that you can be.
Do anything you want, if you can handle the possible consequences.
I won't always be here to do things for you. Be ready to take care of yourself.
Violence is used to protect the ones you love...not to be used on them.
I know now that he lived with the fear that we would collapse and never make our own way in a tough world without him. He pushed and pushed and pushed to make us strong, and honorable, and capable of getting along without help. He died last year of pancreatic cancer. I have a few mementoes that I treasure, and a cd of him telling stories and poems that he left to us...and I have my successes...which are his real legacy. Because he gave me the ability to make choices that worked out well, and the will to pay for my own mistakes(and there have been plenty!!) instead of heaping the blame onto others.
I am so sorry that you have never known a man like that. They exist, but they seem to be rarer and rarer. What made me stop and write all this? I clicked an icon from a comment and saw your page, and the definition of a man stood out. I've never met you and know next to nothing about you, but anyone who understands the real definition of a man is worth watching. In my heart, I hope there is peace in your home life...and if there isn't may there be some soon. Someday you will have the terrifying freedom of being on your own, and I hope you use the definition of manhood to guide your own way and shine brightly...because if you could see that truth in spite of all the obstacles...you have what it takes to make it in this world.
Be well, with love, Michael