Have I been nice to my parents out of fear rather than out of love? Do I obey them only because I fear making them angry with me?

I do not like being nice to others out of fear of retribution. I want to be nice because I love them. I want to be nice to them to see them happy, or at least satisfied, and to thank me.

Then again, I realise that my mind has been so set upon pleasing others by giving them what they want that I keep forgetting to please myself by giving myself what I want. Alas, I have given myself little to please, for lack of experience, skill, courage, friendship and money. Yes I have bought myself toys, games, books and artwork, but the pleasure I get from them is so fleeting.

I want someone who will welcome my love for them, and return them in kind, hopefully with pleasure lasting days, if not years.

There will never be enough of something.

All I yearn for now, though, is someone.