Guys,

I know a lot of people have been worried about me lately. I just want you all to know i'm doing fine, and i'm sorry if I've become a nuisance or annoyance because of my attitude. It hasn't been easy dealing with the recent events. In order to keep things civil, i'm going to be very vague about it.. It's been an emotional roller-coaster. I've been having many days where I've been down and depressed, and it's not fun when you feel like your chest is being squeezed, when you feel like you're empty and incomplete, and when you just need something so bad but can't have it. When it feels like you're being punished for doing nothing wrong, life can seem so unfair. My brain has tried to recreate certain scenarios multiple times, and often I've come to find the blame with myself. I'm starting to cope with the fact that i couldn't have solved the problems by myself, but it devastated me when i realized that i could do NOTHING but sit back and watch as the most important thing in my life just slipped through my fingers. I was broken for a while because of this. Now, all i can do is just sit back and wait for things to hopefully get back to some degree of normalcy. But every day seems to get harder and harder. Distance and time are my enemy, and even though it's only been about a month, it feels like it's been longer. Some days, i can get up in the morning and be hopeful for the future, try to move forward, and believe that things will be even better than they were before. Even though my emotions tend to cycle back and forth, i somehow still have faith that things can go back to the way they were before everything became so complicated. I still believe in that person, and faith in someone can make a big difference. You can only move forward.

My strongest trait is my capacity for care and tenderness, and when the ability to provide that was taken away, it destroyed me. i still want to be able to give something of myself. Everyone shows they care about you in different degrees, and some people are just able to do it in a more pronounced manner. Sometimes you don't realize that the things you do for someone, no matter how trivial they seem, still show that you care. You just need to acknowledge that you do care and are trying to reciprocate. You shouldn't let fear and guilt control your life when there are plenty of people to hold your hand and lift you up. I'm starting to slowly realize that. You can't just give up, you've got to try. "Every chance we get we run". It's not good to think like that, to turn a blind eye, to run away and take the easy way out. Things can work out in life if you at least try. Sometimes you don't get the answer you want immediately or get to the level of feeling you want right off the bat. it does take time. You also have to realize that we all are human and feel different things. You can't make someone feel the same way you do, but you can still be there for them. Just don't push too hard, and don't go too far to insert yourself in someone's life. The decision is not yours alone.

Honesty is also one of the most valuable things you can give to someone. With so much ill activity and cheating occurring, it's hard to find any glimmer of hope for people to find each other. That's where things need to change. You need to set an example, you need to be honest and sincere, and sometimes think about others before you do what you want. Every action leaves a ripple. Some ripples are bigger than others, and it's not fun to be knocked over by someone's ripple.

Thank you for reading thus far, i hope i haven't been too preachy. I just wanted to share my experiences, let people know what was on my mind and how i was feeling. Once again, please do not be worried about me. I'm doing fine, and it's getting better. I'm done feeling depressed, and the emotional breakdowns just need to stop. I'm so sick of feeling helpless and crippled because of things outside of my control. I want to move forward. I'm not giving up. And to all of you that i've hurt or burdened in the process, my sincerest apologies. No one deserves to be dragged into the sadness of someone else. And to all of you that have held my hand, hugged me, wiped away my tears, and instilled me with hope that things will get better, i truly appreciate each and every one of you being there for me. I hope to do the same for others in return, and give myself to those in need of a friend. The smallest actions can mean a world of difference to someone.

Call me silly, but even after all this, i just want to say something. I don't know if my words will reach. But i still think and worry about someone every day. I know i can't do anything to help due to the circumstances, but i will always be here when they're ready. I'm not bitter, i'm not mad, i'm not upset or angry, and I've already forgiven what was done. I just want things to be less complicated, for all the problems and pain to subside. I will ALWAYS be here, no matter what. I can't give it up that easily. I won't get my hopes up, but after all the happy and tender experiences that were shared, there are still so many positive maybes. I will always hold on to the things and the people that matter. I may not have all the answers, but i will sure as hell try to figure them out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0g9poWKKpbU

This video may not be relevant, but the song is.